You can’t covet something you never actually wanted or even thought about.
I have my world, and no one is welcome in.
Sometimes, like now, their faces blur until their features blend into each other, leaving stark lines behind.
Wrenching my attention from them, I focus on Elsa. “Yes?”
“I heard about your deal with Dad.” She retrieves a bar of dark chocolate.
I don’t hesitate when I take it from her and have a bite, savouring the rich taste. Elsa acts like an older sister even though she’s only a few weeks older than me.
“You don’t have to do that, Teal.” Her voice softens.
“Don’t have to do what?” I steal another look at the Napoleon article.
“You know.” She clutches me by the elbow of my uniform’s jacket, which is my cue to pay attention.
“It’s not rocket science, Elsa. Dad needs help, so I stepped up.”
She traps her lower lip under her teeth, and I’m not sure if it’s some sort of seduction tactic or her way of reining something in. I’ve seen her do that with her boyfriend, and I still can’t figure it out.
I’ll go with the need to suppress something because I doubt she’d want to seduce me. That would be, eh, awkward, especially since I’m almost certain she’s kind of figured out who my crush is.
“Dad would never make you do something you don’t want, Teal. Remember how he acted when I refused the arranged marriage?”
That’s because you’re his biological daughter and his pride.
Not that Dad doesn’t like me and my twin brother. He’s taken care of us since that day he found us curled up in balls, bleeding and starved to death.
But the fact remains: we’re only his foster children. Elsa is his real daughter.
“I volunteered,” I say.
Elsa stops in the middle of the hall, drawing some attention from onlookers. “What?”
I lift a shoulder. “I told Dad I’d do it.”
“But the other time you asked me if this was what I wanted to do. I thought you were against arranged marriages.”
“I was asking if you wanted to do it, and if you didn’t, I would step up. Someone has to help Dad after you chose not to.”
“Ouch.” She grimaces.
“Eh, sorry, I guess.” Since I started to somehow grasp human nature, I’ve learnt they get offended when the truth is shoved in their faces. My twin brother Knox says I’m too direct and that I sound like a bitch.
“It’s okay. I know your mind is only thinking about getting the point across.”
My lips part as her mouth pulls into a smile. She…knows. All this time, only Knox and Dad understood the way my brain works. I never thought Elsa would catch on this soon.
“Thank you.” My voice is barely above a murmur, and I take another bite of the chocolate to fill the silence.
“Teal.” She clutches my shoulders and meets my gaze. “It’s not that I didn’t want to help Dad. It’s that I couldn’t marry someone else since I’m in love with Aiden. That’s not how it works.”
In love.
Not how it works.
I allow my brain to pause on those words and their foreign meanings. Elsa keeps saying these things, and I crash into them every time as if they’re a metal wall.
Sure, I know the dictionary definition of love, but that’s only theoretical. The real world is the practical field, and there’s no such thing as love.
There are hormones, neurotransmitters, and endorphins — chemical reactions.
I wonder when Elsa will finally figure that out. She’s smart in everything except for this.
“Sure,” I say instead. There’s something else I’ve learnt about human interactions: if you agree with them, they drop it, which means less headaches and more peace of mind.
“Besides, Dad will join forces with Aiden’s father, so there’s no need for more allies.”
“Of course there is. Dad returned from a nine-year coma, during which he was cut off from the world. He needs all the allies he can get. Aiden’s father, that Jonathan King bloke, isn’t trustworthy. Do you really think he’ll play nice with Dad after the grudge he held for ten years? He holds Dad responsible for the death of his wife, and that doesn’t just disappear.”
She drops her hands from me and bites her lower lip again. This time, I’m almost sure it’s because she’s contemplating something.
“You’re right.” She sighs. “But I believe Jonathan and Dad will fix their problems over time. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself.”
My brows furrow. “Sacrifice?”
“Well, you already have…you know, a love interest. Marrying someone else is a sacrifice.”
“A sacrifice means slaughtering an animal or a person as an offering to a deity. In other words, it means giving up something valued for other considerations. I’m doing neither.” I allow a small smile to curve my lips. “If anything, I’m gaining something valuable.”
She releases a breath, which means she doesn’t understand my logic. It’s fine, I guess. It’s true Elsa understands some of my thinking, but she won’t get everything so fast.
Besides, no one actually knows me — or at least not the way they think.
They don’t see the constant shadow over my shoulder or the tears trapped in the middle of nowhere.
Only I do.
“What does Knox think about this?” she asks.
“He—” I’m cut off when a strong hand wraps around my shoulder. It’s so sudden, I stiffen and lift my elbow.
A dark figure is grabbing me, his fingers are on me, his smell, his damn —
“Did I hear my name?” An awfully cheerful voice cuts into the usual vicious cycle of thoughts.
My brother. Knox. It’s only Knox.
Usually, I’m okay with someone touching me when I see it coming, like when Elsa clutched my shoulders earlier. I saw her before I felt her and that was fine, but a sudden attack always triggers this stony state.
“Sorry,” Knox whispers, and he loosens his hold.
He of all people knows how it feels. That darkness, feeling without seeing — all of it.
I lift a shoulder, pretending I wasn’t on the verge of an episode. He masks his apology with a grin as he plants himself between me and Elsa, clutching each of us by a shoulder.
Knox and I are fraternal twins, but we barely look like siblings. Where my hair is black, his is chestnut. All his features are like those of models — or gigolos; I can’t actually tell the difference. It’s a serious issue — don’t judge. I don’t think it’s okay to compare your brother to a gigolo, but he is one in some ways. For one, he’s charming with a happy-go-lucky personality he only uses to get things done.
And he talks a lot, like a fucking lot. It gives me headaches.
“So what’s with me?” He nudges us both. “Is this some conspiracy, Game of Thrones-style? Because I watched all the seasons — I can tell.”
Elsa laughs. “I was just asking Teal what you think about her new decision.”
He retrieves a packet of crisps and throws two into his mouth then offers the rest to us. We both refuse — Elsa because it’s forbidden to eat food outside the cafeteria and she follows the rules a lot, and me because I don’t eat that junk food. I picked my poison, and it’s dark chocolate.
“More for me.” He grins, swallowing a handful.
I nudge him so he’ll give me some space. He’s crunching in my ear, the sound heightened with his proximity, and that’s another way for the triggers to seep in.
Knox releases me, now only holding on to Elsa.
“So, what do you think?” she insists.
“Me?” He feigns innocence. “I don’t care.”
Liar.
“Really?” Elsa grabs him by the elbow.
“I’m T’s brother, not her father. She gets to do what she wants. Do you know how freaked out I was when she said she had something to tell me? I thought she was going to say she’s pregnant and was planning a party to mourn my youth.” He points at me with his bag of crisps. “I forgive anything except making me an uncle this young.”
“Anything?” I smirk.
His grin falters for a second. “You’re a pain in the arse, T.”
“Compliments first thing in the morning?” I feign a gasp. “What have I done to deserve you?”
“You kind of stole my egg.”
“Your egg?” Elsa asks.
“Ellie, you know how twins are formed, right? Like once upon a time, I was swimming in my whore mother’s womb and I fought all the other fuckers who wanted to go into the egg. I won, by the way. So there I was, happy in the egg and shit, and then T here sneaks in and shares my egg.”
Elsa bursts out laughing as I just give him my signature blank stare.
“What are you laughing at?” Knox squeezes Elsa’s shoulder. “That’s really how twins are formed.”
“Identical,” she says.
“Huh?”
“That’s how identical twins are formed. You and Teal are fraternal. She didn’t steal your egg — there were already two.”
“How do you know that?” He narrows his eyes on her. “Were you there?”
“God no.”
“Then we’ll go with my story.”
He’s so daft, my brother, and I have no words to describe how much I appreciate him for it.
I wouldn’t have come this far if I didn’t have him.
When the darkness swallows me and I have nowhere to go, he’s there, telling me without words that we have each other.
We always have, since our whore mother’s womb.
We had each other even when that same whore wanted to make us like her.
When we thought we were going to die in that hollow, dark place while we almost bled out.
I retrieve my phone, ready to go back to my article about Napoleon. There’s something interesting about war, not the mass destruction or the casualties, but the ways they’ve started.
They ways they’ve been finished.
In between, there’s chaos, but chaos doesn’t come randomly.
I’m at the beginning phase, where the smallest action can trigger a bloody battle.
The first of many.
As I’m about to get lost in the words, in the debauchery of the human mind, another presence steals my interest.