I rolled my eyes. “Oh, come the fuck on. I broke it off with Naomi because she was gonna get herself hurt. I did the right thing, and it had nothing to do with anyone else. So stop trying to fucking analyze me.”
“So it’s just a coincidence that you see him, and the very next day you decide things are getting too serious?”
“He has nothing to do with anything I do,” I insisted.
“How much did you give him?” Nash asked.
“What are you talking about?”
“How much cash did you give him? That’s what you do. You try to solve problems with money. Try to buy your way out of feeling pain. But you can’t. You can’t buy Dad into sobriety. You couldn’t buy me into a life you were comfortable with. And you sure as fuck can’t make yourself feel better about breaking Naomi’s heart by handing her a wad of cash.”
Lucian’s gaze cut to me. “Tell me you didn’t.”
I slammed my bottle down on the counter, sending a geyser of beer everywhere. “I warned her. I told her not to get attached. She knew there was no chance. It’s not my fault she’s this romantic who thought I could change. I can’t change. I don’t want to change. And why the fuck am I even having this conversation with you? I didn’t do anything wrong. I told her not to fall.”
“Actions speak louder than words, dipshit.” Nash threw up his good hand. “Luce, you take this.”
Lucian leaned forward in his chair, elbows resting on his knees.
“I believe what your brother is trying to tell you is that while you said you couldn’t and wouldn’t care, your actions told her something else.”
“We had sex,” I said flatly. Great sex. Mind-blowing sex.
Lucian shook his head. “You showed up for her time and time again. You gave her a place to live, a job. You went to her niece’s school. You bashed in her ex’s face.”
“Bought her a cell phone. Helped her get a car,” Nash added.
“You looked at her like she was the only woman you saw. You made her believe,” Lucian continued. Waylon trotted over to him and hefted his bulk into my friend’s lap.
“And then you tried to buy her off,” Nash said.
I closed my eyes. “I didn’t try to buy her off. I wanted to make sure she was taken care of.”
And she’d thrown it back in my face.
“And what part of that sentiment says ‘I don’t care about you’?” Lucian asked.
“You can’t use cash as a replacement for actually showing up for someone.”
Nash’s voice was miserable enough that I opened my eyes and looked at him. Really looked at him.
Is that what he thought I’d done when I’d offered him the lottery money? When I’d all but shoved it down his throat.
His career in law enforcement had been a sticking point for us. But rather than sit down and talk to him about it, I’d tried to pull his strings with the promise of a pile of cash. Enough that he’d never have to worry or work again. I saw it as taking care.
“You should have kept the money. Maybe then you wouldn’t have ended up bleeding in a fucking ditch,” I said evenly.
Nash shook his head. “You still don’t get it, do you, Knox?”
“Get what? That you’re more stubborn than I am? That if you’d listened to me that carjacking coward wouldn’t have almost ended your life? By the way, Luce, you dig up anything yet?”
“Working on it,” Lucian said.
Nash ignored the sidebar. “You don’t get that I’d still put on that uniform. Even if I knew I was going to take another hit tomorrow. I’d still walk into that building your money paid for even if I knew it was my last day on earth. Because that’s what you fucking do when you love something. You show up. Even if you’re pissing your pants scared. And if you two don’t stay the fuck out of police business, or if you even think about going vigilante, I will throw both your asses in a cell.”
“Agree to disagree,” Lucian said. Waylon’s tail thumped on the arm of the chair.
“You about done?” I asked, suddenly too tired to fight.
“About. You wanna do the right thing, you need to tell Naomi the real reason you let her go.”
“Oh? And what’s the real reason?” I asked wearily.
“That you’re scared down to your fucking bones that you’ll fall hard and end up like Dad. Like Liza J. That you won’t be able to hold up under the bad.”
His words landed like arrows zeroing in on a bull’s-eye I didn’t know I was wearing.
“It’s funny. I used to think my big brother was the smartest guy on the planet. Now, I realize he’s just a delusional fool.” He started for the door, pausing when he got to it. “You could have been happy, man. Not just safe. Happy. Like we used to be.”
Lucian scooped Waylon onto the floor and followed him out the door.
* * *
When they’d gone,taking my beer and their righteous frustrations with them, I sat in the dark and stared at the blank TV, doing my best not to think about what they’d said.
I went so far as to start looking for large parcels of land far the fuck away from Knockemout.
My phone signaled a text.
Stef: Seriously? I warned you, man. You couldn’t have just not been a selfish dick?
I tossed my phone aside and closed my eyes. Could it possibly be true that my best efforts to take care of the people I cared about amounted to me pushing a mountain of money between us? Money gave them security, and it protected me.
The pounding on my door jolted Waylon awake.
He gave a short sharp bark, then decided the chair was more comfortable and immediately went back to sleep.
“Go the fuck away,” I called.
“Open the damn door, Morgan.”
It wasn’t Nash or Lucian back for round two. It was worse.
I opened the door to find Naomi’s dad standing there in pajama pants and a sweatshirt. Lou looked pissed. But the bourbon I’d switched to after my last uninvited guests drank all my beer numbed me.
“If you came here to punch me in the face, someone already beat you to it.”
“Good. I hope it was Naomi,” Lou said, pushing his way inside.
I really needed that 1,000 acres.
“She’s too classy for that.”
Lou stopped in the foyer and turned to face me. “She is. She’s also too hurt to see the truth.”
“Why is everyone so obsessed with ‘the truth’?” I asked, using air quotes. “Why can’t people just mind their own damn business and stick to their own truths?”
“Because it’s easier to see someone else’s. And more fun to kick someone else’s ass when they’ve got their head shoved up it.”
“I thought you, of all people, would be doing a victory dance over this. You never liked me with her.”
“I never trusted you with her. There’s a difference.”
“And I suppose you came here to educate me.”
“I suppose I did. Someone’s got to.”
I’d add a moat around my bunker as a last line of defense.
“I’m forty-fucking-three years old, Lou. I don’t need a father-son moment.”
“Tough shit. Because that’s what you’re gonna get. I’m sorry that you suffered so much loss so early in life. I’m sorry that your mom died and your dad abandoned you. Liza’s told us bits and pieces. I’m sorry you lost your grandfather just a few years later. It’s not fair. And I can’t blame you for wanting to hide from all that pain.”
“I’m not hiding. I’m a goddamn open book. I told your daughter what she could expect from me. It’s not my fault she got her hopes up.”
“That would be true if it weren’t for one thing.”
I scrubbed my hand over my face. “If I let you tell me the one thing, will you leave?”
“You didn’t do it because you didn’t care. You did it because you cared too damn much, and it scared you.”
I snorted into my glass, trying my best to ignore the tightening in my chest.
“Son, you fucked up big-time,” he continued. “I may be Naomi’s father, and that might bias me, but I know my daughter is one-of-a-kind. A once in a lifetime woman. Just like her mom. And I don’t like what it says about how you feel about yourself that you don’t think you deserve her.”
I put my glass down. He hadn’t said that I didn’t deserve her. He’d said I thought I didn’t deserve her.
“Do you deserve Amanda?” I asked.
“Hell no! Still don’t. But I’ve spent every day of my life since I met her trying to be the kind of man who does. She made me a better man. She gave me the kind of life I never dreamed I’d have. And yeah, we’ve had our rough times. Most of them revolving around Tina. But fact is, I’ve never once regretted sticking.”
I remained stalwartly silent, wishing I could be anywhere else but here.
“Sooner or later, you have to accept that you’re not responsible for other people’s choices. Worse, sometimes you can’t fix what’s wrong with them.”
He looked me dead in the eye when he said it.
“I’m not responsible for my daughter’s choices or the outcomes of those choices. You’re not responsible for your father’s. But you are responsible for the choices you make. And that includes walking away from the best thing that will ever happen to you.”
“Look, Lou, this has been a nice chat and all—”
He clapped me on the shoulder. His grip was solid, firm. “You couldn’t save your mom from an accident any more than you could save your dad from addiction. Now you worry you won’t be able to save anyone else. Or stand losing someone else.”
My throat was tight, and it burned.
Lou’s grip tightened. “Somewhere, deep down is a man stronger than your father ever was. I see it. Your grandmother sees it. My daughter sees it. Maybe it’s time you take a look in the mirror.”