I couldn’t even imagine the strength it must have taken for her to pull herself out of the house to be here for me. The emotional anguish she would feel, watching me have the wedding she never got.
But she came.
Josh hugged her, and for the first time, I saw Brandon’s absence etched on his face. He’d been doing a good job trying not to dwell on it, I think. But with Sloan here, Brandon was a void.
This wasn’t the way any of this was supposed to go. Sloan and Brandon would have been long done with their honeymoon by today, at home and settled in. I don’t know where Josh and I would be, but I realized now there was no world in which the two of us didn’t end up together. And Brandon and Sloan would have been in our wedding, supporting us.
Instead, it was just her. And she wasn’t really her anymore. I didn’t know if she ever would be again.
But at least she was here.
Sloan stood next to me and I sniffled, picking up the Taco Bell receipt I’d jotted my vows down on.
I looked up at Josh. His chest rose and fell a little too fast. He had this look on his handsome face—a touch of anxiety, worry, and anticipation around his brow, like he was afraid at any minute all this would be taken from him, like I might suddenly change my mind.
I deserved that.
This was a shotgun wedding. Josh was the one holding the shotgun.
This whole thing was some flash-bang-chaos campaign to hustle me into marriage before I got my bearings. He wanted to lock me down before I freaked out on him and ran. That’s why he’d rushed this. Only, the joke was on him—I wanted to be locked down, and I’d never change my mind. I’d never leave him again. If he wanted this rust bucket of a body so badly, he could have it, and I’d just have to spend the rest of my life making sure he felt secure and loved.
I looked at him, my eyes steady, and I took a deep breath. “Joshua, I vow to text you back.”
Everyone in the room laughed, my fiancé included, and his face relaxed.
I continued. “I will answer every call you make to me for the rest of my life. You’ll never chase me again.”
His eyes filled with tears, and he seemed to let go of a breath he’d been holding.
“I promise to always go to family day at the station so you know that you’re loved. I vow to support you and follow you anywhere until you’ve found the place that makes you happy. I’ll be your best friend and try and fill that hole in your heart. I’m going to take care of you and cherish you, always and no matter what.” I smiled at him. “I’ll orbit around you and be your universe, because you’ve always been my sun.”
He wiped at his eyes, and he had to take a moment before he read his own vows.
While I waited, I let his face anchor me. I soaked him in, let his love remind me again and again that I was worth it.
He looked at his paper and then seemed to decide he didn’t need it, setting it down on the desk. He gathered up my hands. “Kristen, I vow that no matter what health issues lie ahead, I will love and take care of you. I will show you every day of your life that you’re worth everything. I will carry your worries. All I ask is that you carry your own dog purse.”
The room chuckled again.
“I promise to love Stuntman Mike and slay your spiders, and keep you from getting hangry.”
Now I was laughing through tears.
“I will always defend you. I’ll always be on your side.” Then he turned to Sloan. “And I vow to protect and care for you, Sloan, like you’re my sister, for the rest of my life.”
This did it. The tears ran down my face, and I was in his arms and weeping before I knew I’d closed the distance.
We were both crying. We were all crying, even the witnesses who had no idea how hard the journey had been to get here, the sacrifices that were made for this union.
Or who we’d lost along the way.
Kirsten
Doctors’ offices are never warm enough. You’d think they’d keep the heat up in a place where you’re expected to sit and wear nothing but a paper gown.
Josh leaned next to me against the examining table where I sat with my bare legs dangling. He held my hand so I couldn’t fidget.
“Does it always take this long?” he asked, checking his watch.
His wedding ring was on his watch hand and I smiled at it, despite being cold and nervous. The inscription inside his ring said “okay.” I’d had my ring sized, and Josh had it inscribed with “my universe.” We were adorable.
We were also hungry.
It had been almost a half an hour since the ultrasound tech finished taking images. Nobody had been back since, and I’d had to fast for a glucose test. Josh hadn’t eaten in solidarity, so we were both starving.
I sighed. “I don’t know how long this takes. I’ve never had a pre-op for a hysterectomy before.”
We’d been married four weeks. It had been a hectic month.
Josh had moved in with me, but we realized almost on day one that we needed a place closer to Sloan. Both of us were there more than we were at home.
We asked her to move in with us and she’d flatly refused. We asked to move in with her and she refused that too. So we’d been house hunting in addition to merging our lives, launching our new line of doghouses, and taking care of my best friend.
Josh had taken on all the home repairs that Brandon hadn’t gotten to. He cooked most of our meals, and I spent almost every day still getting her out of bed, cleaning her house, trying to cheer her up.
She wasn’t getting any better.
The only time I could get her to leave the house was to visit Brandon’s grave or for the occasional visit to Starbucks. She refused to go to the doctor for counseling or antidepressants to help get her through. I didn’t know what else to do.
Josh nuzzled me and I closed my eyes, leaning into him. “What should we bring to Sloan’s for lunch?” he asked.
“Um, she likes tacos. We can stop at the taco truck on the way over.”
He cupped my cheek with his hand. “Sounds good. Remind me to fix her bedroom door. The lock has been sticking.”
I tilted my head and he kissed me. He was always kissing me. Touching me, hugging me, holding my hand. We didn’t get a honeymoon, but it didn’t matter.
Every day was our honeymoon.
Last week Sloan’s mom came and spent a few days with her so Josh and I could fly to South Dakota for me to meet his family.
He was not kidding. His sisters were crazy.
I loved those bitches.
It was like running with a pack of female alpha wolves fighting for the pack leader position. It was so much fun.
When we were there, we decided his sister Carmen was in the best place to be our first surrogate. She was a stay-at-home mom with her toddler and her seven-year-old, and she’d had the easiest pregnancies.
I’d have to do daily injections before they could harvest my eggs, and my fibroids never responded pleasantly to hormones, so even though we were busy with Sloan and my recovery was going to be a long one, we decided to schedule my hysterectomy.
It was time. My cramps had been horrible, and I was still spotting almost daily. The fibroids had started pushing against my bladder, and I couldn’t sleep on my stomach anymore because it was too uncomfortable. And no matter how many times Josh told me I was sexy, I didn’t feel like it with my potbelly.
I was ready to be done.
Josh was kissing me when the knock came on the door, and we jumped away from each other like teenagers who just got caught making out.
Dr. Angelo let himself in, looking at my chart. “Well, we have all your tests back. Mr. Copeland, you were definitely right to be concerned.” He flipped a page, scanned it for a moment, and then turned to me. “You’ve got a few things going on that unfortunately are going to make the hysterectomy out of the question.”
His face was grave.
I closed my eyes and let out a long breath. Something was wrong with me.