She didn’t say anything. Simon silently begged her to say something, but she didn’t. And he cursed at the gods for her silence, because it meant that he would have to say more.
“When we argued,” he said slowly, “I lost control. I—I couldn’t speak.” He closed his eyes in agony as he felt his jaw tighten. Finally, after a long and shaky exhale, he said, “I hate myself like that.”
Daphne’s head tilted slightly as furrows formed in her brow. “Is that why you left?”
He nodded once.
“It wasn’t about—what I did?”
His eyes met hers evenly. “I didn’t like what you did.”
“But that wasn’t why you left?” she persisted.
There was a beat of silence, and then he said, “It wasn’t why I left.”
Daphne hugged her knees to her chest, pondering his words. All this time she’d thought he’d abandoned her because he hated her, hated what she’d done, but in truth, the only thing he hated was himself.
She said softly, “You know I don’t think less of you when you stammer.”
“I think less of myself.”
She nodded slowly. Of course he would. He was proud and stubborn, and all the ton looked up to him. Men curried his favor, women flirted like mad. And all the while he’d been terrified every time he’d opened his mouth.
Well, maybe not every time, Daphne thought as she gazed into his face. When they were together, he usually spoke so freely, answered her so quickly that she knew he couldn’t possibly be concentrating on every word.
She put her hand on his. “You’re not the boy your father thought you were.”
“I know that,” he said, but his eyes didn’t meet hers.
“Simon, look at me,” she gently ordered. When he did, she repeated her words.“You’re not the boy your father thought you were.”
“I know that,” he said again, looking puzzled and maybe just a bit annoyed.
“Are you sure?” she asked softly.
“Damn it, Daphne, I know—” His words tumbled into silence as his body began to shake. For one startling moment, Daphne thought he was going to cry. But the tears that pooled in his eyes never fell, and when he looked up at her, his body shuddering, all he said was, “I hate him, Daphne. I h-h-h—”
She moved her hands to his cheeks and turned his face to hers, forcing him to meet her steady gaze. “That’s all right,” she said. “It sounds as if he was a horrid man. But you have to let it go.”
“I can’t.”
“You can. It’s all right to have anger, but you can’t let that be the ruling factor in your life. Even now, you’re letting him dictate your choices.”
Simon looked away.
Daphne’s hands dropped from his face, but she made sure they rested on his knees. She needed this connection. In a strange way she feared that if she let go of him right now she’d lose him forever. “Did you ever stop to wonder if you wanted a family? If you wanted a child of your own? You’d be such a wonderful father, Simon, and yet you won’t even let yourself consider the notion. You think you’re getting your revenge, but you’re really just letting him control you from the grave.”
“If I give him a child, he wins,” Simon whispered.
“No, if you give yourself a child, you win.” She swallowed convulsively. “We all win.”
Simon said nothing, but she could see his body shaking.
“If you don’t want a child because you don’t want one, that’s one thing. But if you deny yourself the joy of fatherhood because of a dead man, then you’re a coward.”
Daphne winced as the insult crossed her lips, but it had to be said. “At some point you’ve got to leave him behind and live your own life. You’ve got to let go of the anger and—”
Simon shook his head, and his eyes looked lost and hopeless. “Don’t ask me to do that. It’s all I had. Don’t you see, it’s all I had?”
“I don’t understand.”
His voice rose in volume. “Why do you think I learned to speak properly? What do you think drove me? It was anger. It was always anger, always to show him.”
“Simon—”
A bubble of mocking laughter erupted from his throat. “Isn’t that just too amusing? I hate him. I hate him so much, and yet he’s the one reason I’ve managed to succeed.”
Daphne shook her head. “That’s not true,” she said fervently, “you would have succeeded no matter what. You’re stubborn and brilliant, and I know you. You learned to speak because of you, not because of him.” When he said nothing, she added in a soft voice, “If he’d shown you love, it would have made it all the easier.”
Simon started to shake his head, but she cut him off by taking his hand and squeezing it. “I was shown love,” she whispered. “I knew nothing but love and devotion when I was growing up. Trust me, it makes everything easier.”
Simon sat very still for several minutes, the only sound the low whoosh of his breath as he fought to control his emotions. Finally, just when Daphne was beginning to fear she’d lost him, he looked up at her with shattered eyes.
“I want to be happy,” he whispered.
“You will be,” she vowed, wrapping her arms around him. “You will be.”