I flip my scarf over my shoulder, and with my chin held high, I say, “And I suggest you don’t touch my penis.”
“Okay, suggestion received, but I wasn’t going to touch it.”
“As long as we’ve made that clear.” Shoulders back, I walk past her—painfully—and head for the door.
“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” Her hand touches my back, and it feels like lava scalding my skin.
“Everything’s fine,” I yelp and hop away from her, my dick nearly acting like a pogo stick for me. “Just fine.”
“Levi, you can talk to me.” She corners me in the entryway, her hand caressing my arm. My cock’s trying to dig a hole through the fabric of my jeans. It’s a wonder it hasn’t popped through and knocked Wylie on the ovaries, saying “Let me in, let me in. Please let me play with your skinny, skin, skin.”
“I know I can talk to you. You’re a great listener.”
She studies me for a second and asks, “Was it the bologna?” She steps in just close enough that her breast rubs against my arm. “I can get different—”
Her nipple caresses my arm hair . . .
“It’s not the bologna,” I yelp. “The bologna is delicious. Top-notch. I fucking love bologna.” And with that, I grab my keys and wallet and bolt out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me.
“Thank you all for being here.”I rest my hands on the table. “I know you have busy lives, and I want you to know I value your time—”
“Just tell us what’s going on,” Ollie says, her arms folded across her chest.
“And it better be good,” Penny adds. “Because Eli was just getting out of the shower.”
“Halsey and I were just about to go to bed,” Blakely says. “I think you know what that means.”
I nod just as Winnie says, “Hold on, ladies, before we get irritated with him, let’s hear him out. He wouldn’t pull us all out of our homes for something stupid.” She gestures toward me. “Tell us what’s going on.”
I clear my throat and say, “I have a boner.”
“Oh my God.” Ollie tosses her hands up in the air and stands.
“Jesus Christ, Posey.” Penny stands as well.
“You’re disgusting.” Blakely scoots her chair out, and I hold my hands out to stop them.
“Wait,” I say in a panic. “Just listen.”
“I stood up for you,” Winnie says, looking offended. “And you open with I have a boner? Come on, man.”
“I’m sorry, but . . . fuck, it hurts bad.”
Penny turns to Blakely and says, “I told you this would be stupid, but you were like, ohhhh, let’s give him a chance. It’s Posey, whatever DEFCON 1 means to him, means a leisurely stroll to us. Come on, let’s go.”
“No, wait, please don’t go,” I say, standing and slightly bending over because the boner is still very much present. “I promise, this is worth your time.” The server with our drinks walks over at just that moment. “And see, look, drinks. And treats. You don’t want to abandon drinks and treats, do you?”
Blakely and Penny exchange looks. Winnie wets her lips. And Ollie sits down.
“Fine, but this better be good,” Ollie says, acting like her man, Silas, the grump. Seems as though couples do start to act like each other, which means I hope Mrs. Holmes offers sympathy like Halsey usually does.
They all take their seats. I divvy out their drinks and treats, and watch them settle in.
Once all their eyes are on me, and they seem semi-satisfied with the blueberry coffee cake that’s been passed around, I say, “I have a boner.”
“Mother of God,” Penny whispers.
“And it won’t go away,” I continue.
“That’s what emergency rooms are for,” Blakely says.
“It’s not an emergency room kind of thing. This is a mental thing. You see, I’m in quite the situation, and I called upon you four because I believe you are my best bet at figuring this all out.”
“You didn’t think to text the men who brought us into this situation?” Penny asks. “You know, your teammates, your friends?”
“Why would I ask them for help? They’re completely inept when it comes to love. And before you all start defending them, I’ll have you know I’m the backbone of your relationships. The reason you were able to find peace and love with the humans you share a life with now is because of me.” I point at my chest. “Without me, you would all be single or with someone else.”
“What do you mean?” Winnie asks.
I sigh heavily and run through the list. I point at Winnie and say, “I didn’t hit on you and take the spotlight. You’re welcome.” I point at Ollie and say, “Oye my dick, that was from me. You’re welcome.” I point at Penny next. “I helped Eli move from ‘I just ate an apple’ to actual conversation. You’re welcome.” Finally, I point at Blakely and say, “Don’t even get me started on the marathon I ran for the two of you. You’re welcome.”
They’re silent for a second, all looking at each other before Winnie says, “You not hitting on me was not a favor.”
“Trust me.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her. “It was. But we’re not going to get into that. Let’s just say, I value your opinion over theirs.”
Ollie nods. “I can accept that. Also, to be fair, oye my dick was a huge turnoff.”
I lean in and hold my finger up while saying, “But it made you push harder. Therefore, I moved things along.” I curtly bow. “You’re welcome.”
“You’re a moron,” she says.
I nod. “Yes, yes, I’m aware of my moronic tendencies. See how I can admit that?”
“You’re so brave,” Penny says, voice full of sarcasm.
I press my hand to my heart. “Thank you. Now, back to my boner.”
“Can you not start with the boner again?” Blakely asks. “It’s making it hard for me to eat my coffee cake.”
“Do you know what’s hard?” I ask with a quizzical brow.
“Dear Jesus, Posey, just tell us what’s going on,” Penny shouts.
“Right.” I take a deep breath and say, “I want to fuck my coach’s daughter.”
They all still, staring blankly at me.
Finally, Blakely leans toward Penny and says, “See, I told you it would be good.”
Penny lifts her drink to her mouth. “You were right. I apologize.”
“What do you mean you want to fuck her?” Winnie asks.
“I think it means he wants to stick his penis inside of her holes, right?” Ollie asks.
“Precisely. In every hole, just to be clear. All holes she’s offering up,” I say.
“We don’t need the details.” Penny holds up her hand. “But tell us how this happened and how you came to this conclusion of wanting all her holes.”
“It started about a year ago,” I say. “I was trolling the lobby, looking for my next conquest.” All the girls roll their eyes. “When I came upon a redhead with the body of a goddess. Now, I need to preface this by saying I’m obsessed with redheads. There’s something about them that gets my dick spiking up like a turkey thermometer.”
“Ew,” Blakely says. “Can you not say shit like that?”
“I would appreciate that as well.” Winnie holds up her hand. “I don’t need the visuals.”
“None of us do,” Penny adds.
“Noted. Trying to paint a picture, but fine,” I say. “Anyway, we had an amazing night. We talked, she rubbed my penis through my jeans, we kissed . . .”
“You know, I do love rubbing Silas’s penis through his jeans,” Ollie says.
“I like a good jean rub, too,” Blakely says.
“I made Pacey come once while doing that.” Winnie beams.
“Eck, that’s my brother,” Penny complains.
Winnie shrugs. “What? He really liked it.”
I clear my throat. “Ladies, focus.” They all bring their attention back to me, so I continue. “The kiss was . . . well, it was life-changing. I felt it all the way down to the tip of my penis.”
“Please, Posey,” Penny groans.
“It was magical.” I sum it up. “But then, out of nowhere, she bolted. And when I say we were about to go up to my hotel room, we were. We were seconds away from banging out our lust for each other, and she was a willing participant. But she bolted. I never got her name or where she was from. She was a mystery. I spent a year looking for her—and came up short—until Coach Wood pulled me into his office and told me he needed me to hire his daughter as my assistant. Long story short, I said sure because I owe him big time, and lo and behold, his daughter walks in, and it’s the redhead from the bar.”
“Ooo, this is good,” Penny says while taking a bite of her coffee cake.
“What a twist,” Winnie says.
“Kind of funny you were looking for her for so long, and she was in the arena all along,” Blakely says.
“I can’t even think about that,” I say with a shake of my head. “Anyway, she’s now my assistant, and Coach Wood told me if I even look at her, he’s going to kill me, meaning she’s completely off limits.”
“Ahh.” Ollie nods, understanding. “Hence the forever boner.”
“Exactly.” I point at Ollie.
“But can I ask something?” Winnie says. “We understand the boner now, but care to explain the bucket hat, sunglasses, and scarf? You look like the leading lady of a movie from the 1920s.”
Ha, I almost forgot I was wearing all of this.
“I didn’t want anyone noticing me as I walked around with a boner in my jeans.”