“You can never tell anyone,” I warned, feeling every nerve in my body on fire as I took a step toward him. “You hear me? No one. Promise me. Promise.”
He stared at me intently. “You never stopped loving him, did you?”
No. Not even for a moment.
I stepped back, pulling myself together. But he knew. In that moment, he knew. He pressed his forehead to the doorframe. Behind him, I could see the apartment was only half-furnished. Someone must’ve taken most of the stuff out. I waited to feel the pinch in my heart, but the truth was, home had never been a place for me. It was a feeling. A feeling I’d only ever felt with my father before what had happened, and with Nicky.
“Will you ever forgive me?” His eyes were screwed shut as he spoke against the doorframe.
“No,” I said simply. “You took the one person I loved more than anyone else in the world, and you ruined him for me. You need to leave the city. It’s for the best.”
“I am.” He gave me a little nod. “Next week.”
I didn’t ask where to. I didn’t want to know. Didn’t trust myself not to contact him again.
“Goodbye, Dad.”
“Goodbye, honey. Stay safe and take care of your mother.”
“She is never going to answer me, is she?” I smashed my phone against my desk, barely containing my rage. “It’s absolutely like her to go MIA after the ship has sunk. Classic Beatrice Roth for you. I wonder what she’s going to do, now that she doesn’t have the penthouse and the funds. She’s too old to get a sugar daddy.”
Jillian eyed me over the edge of her teacup, her pointed look telling me I’d forgotten to tuck my crazy in this morning. I’d been told you stopped giving a crap about what others thought about you when you turned forty. Maybe I was an early bloomer, because I just didn’t care.
“Ever considered she might not want you to fix her problems this time?” Jillian suggested. “She knows that if she answered you, you’d go into damage control mode and fix it all. I mean, you always were the grown-up in that relationship.”
“I didn’t even have a relationship with her until a month and a half ago.” I stood up and began shoving items into my bag. It was half past seven, and I’d made Christian wait long enough outside my building. He came to see me every day now.
“Yes, that’s true, but my take is you’ve never had a relationship because you intimidated her and she disgusted you,” Jilly explained, walking over to the kitchenette to pour herself more tea. “So my guess is she’ll resurface when she is ready, and when she has a plan.”
“She’s never going to have a plan.” I flung my bag over my shoulder. “She’s been cruising through life, counting on my dad to fix all of her problems.”
Jillian smiled, adding a teaspoon of sugar to the antique teacup I’d gotten her for Easter at a thrift shop. The scent of peppermint filled the air. “We’ll see about that, won’t we?”
“You sound like you know something I don’t.” I narrowed my eyes.
Jillian laughed. “I know lots of things you don’t. Let me start by pointing out the most important one—it’s not just your mother you are worried about. You are petrified of Christian, or Nicky, or whatever you want to call him today. You’ve been barricading yourself in the office every day until eight o’clock since you found out he was waiting for you each night.”
“It’s stalker behavior.” I stomped to the door to make a point. “I’m trying to discourage it.”
“You’re so deeply in love with the guy I’m embarrassed for your soul. Why aren’t you giving him a chance?”
How had we gotten from the subject of my mother to this? I rolled my eyes, plucking my lip gloss from my bag and reapplying it absentmindedly. “Because I’ll never trust the man again, so there’s really no point.”
“You keep telling yourself that, sweetie.” She came to pat my arm on her way back to her desk.
I frowned. “What are you doing here, anyway? At least I’ve had a reason to stay late these past few days, but you didn’t.” I paused. “Or did you?” I grinned.
Jillian got back to her seat, grabbed a hair clip, and tossed it in my direction. “Leave now!”
I dodged the hair clip, laughing. “What’s his name?”
“Out!”
I straightened back up. “Hmm. Out. That sounds cute and eccentric. Are his parents environmentalists? I don’t know, I like Woods or Leaf more.”
“I swear to God, Arya . . .” She waggled her finger at me. “By the way, you remember our meeting tomorrow, right? With the woman from Miami? Nine thirty?”
“Yes.” I made a face. “I’m still not sure how we can help her. Her business idea sounds solid, but she hasn’t even incorporated the company yet.”
Then I was out the door, giggling my way to another encounter with Nicky.
Only he wasn’t there.
For the first time in a week, Nicky didn’t lay siege outside my office.
Disappointment flooded me. I hated the side effects of not seeing him there. The weak knees, the way my heart dropped and my shoulders sagged. I willed myself to stand taller and maneuvered my way to the subway, plastering a deranged smile on my face. This just went to show that Nicky wasn’t reliable. He’d given up on me in less than a week.
But then you did chide him and ask that he never contact you again,a voice inside me reasoned. Numerous times, in fact. Furthermore, you were a complete bitch when he pointed out he quit his job for you.
Logically, I knew I had no right to be mad at him for not waiting outside my office door for three hours. And also logically, it was true that he hadn’t had to quit his job. He could have carried on with his life, safe in the knowledge I wasn’t going to hand him over to the authorities. He’d chosen to repent for his deception. But maybe my issue wasn’t about trusting Nicky. Maybe my issue was with trusting myself. After all, he was the height of everything. The desirable, ultimate, unrequited love. Had been for so many years.
Maybe I just didn’t want to hand over the remainder of my heart to the man who’d stolen it nearly two decades ago and never given it back.
I spent the train journey mulling over my thoughts on the situation with Nicky. The kid he had been. The man he was today. When I arrived at my building, I saw a figure loitering at the stairway. My pulse kicked up.
He’s here.
My feet moved faster. But as I drew closer, I realized that it couldn’t be him. The person waiting outside was too short, too slight. My stride slowed until I came to a complete stop.
“Mom?”
The figure swiveled its head and looked up at me.
She looked exhausted, ten pounds slimmer, but still extremely put together. She patted herself clean of invisible dirt, like her mere presence in a zip code that wasn’t Park Avenue dirtied her up.
“Hello, darling,” she chirped brightly, her plastic smile unwavering. “Sorry I’ve missed your calls. I had a few things to tend to. Is this a bad time? I can come back tomorrow if you’d like.”
I shook my head slowly. “No. Right now is fine. Come on up.”
I kicked off my heels and threw my keys into the ugly bowl by my door upon arrival, realizing this was the first time my mother had ever been to my apartment. I flicked the coffee machine on, pulling out two cups.
“Take a seat. How’ve you been?” I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. She’d done it again. Gone MIA on me. After a few weeks when she’d actually resembled a mother, albeit from afar and only if you squinted to really put it into focus, she’d just bailed. Again. I should’ve known. Should’ve expected it. Then why did it hurt so much?
Beatrice perched herself on the edge of my green velvet Anthropologie couch, occupying as little space as possible. “Well. Everything considered, of course.”
“Coffee okay?”
“Oh, just lovely, thank you.”
“Cream? Sugar?” I asked. It was wild that I didn’t know such a trivial thing about my mother.
“I don’t know,” she said thoughtfully. “I don’t usually drink coffee. Just put what you normally do in your coffee. I’m sure I’ll like it.”
I dumped two spoonfuls of sugar and extra cream into her cup. I had a feeling she needed the extra calories. I carried both our coffees to the living room and sat on a recliner in front of her. She took a careful sip. I found myself watching her closely. Her face relaxed after the first sip. Maybe she’d thought I’d poison her.
And if this were ten years ago, maybe I would have.
“That’s actually good.”
“Coffee is the nectar of the nine-to-fivers.” I sat back. “So why are you here?”
My mother put her cup down on the coffee table, turning toward me fully. “There’s a reason why I haven’t taken any of your calls, Arya. I spoke to your friend, Jillian, about it, but I asked her not to tell you.”
I almost dropped my coffee midsip. It was unlike my mother to get involved with any of my friends. In fact, I’d had no idea she was even aware of Jillian’s existence. Mom licked her lips fast, her words measured and well rehearsed. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. I know I haven’t been the best mother. Or any sort of mother at all. I take full responsibility for that. But when things with Conrad began to unravel, the last thing I wanted was to become a liability to you on top of losing everything that I had. So . . . well, I got myself a job.”
My eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. “You’re going to start working for us?”
My mother shook her head, laughing. “See? That is exactly why I wanted some time to pull myself together. No. I will not be taking a position with Brand Brigade. I found a job independently. Well, more or less.” She scrunched her nose. “You’re looking at the new administrative and marketing assistant for my country club! Granted, a country club I can no longer afford, but the offer is great and the health insurance is quite good, or so I’m told.”
A strange feeling swept over me. Like I was under warm water. Elation. Pride. And hope. So much hope.
“Mom.” I reached to grab her hand, squeezing it. “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you.”
Her eyes shone, and she nodded, taking another sip of her coffee. “Yes, and that’s not all. I filed for divorce yesterday. It’s over, Arya. I’m leaving your father, and he is moving to New Hampshire to live with his sister and her husband.”
“Oh, Mom!” I flung myself over her, burying my face into her shoulder. It took me a few seconds to realize I was sitting in her lap. I was a good five pounds heavier than her at this point, but when I tried to stand up, she pulled me back down, cupping my face with both her hands. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldn’t help it. They just kept coming. But they felt good. Cleansing.
“I’m so sorry, Arya. All this time I’ve ignored you. Overlooked you. Gave myself excuses. That you and he had each other. That I was just standing in your way. That is all over, now. I have a new apartment, a new job, a new life. I know it’s late, but I hope it is not too late to be your mother.”
I shook my head sharply. “No. No.” I sniffed, pushing my head against her shoulder again. “Just don’t do that again. The thing where you disappear for days and weeks at a time. Even if you tell me things that I don’t want to hear. Even if it’s to tell me to back off and not butt into your business. Parent me, Mother.”
“I will, honey. I will.”