“You’re a liar and you’re in denial. You can lie to yourself all you want, but you can’t lie to me. You don’t get to spy on me when I’m playing football or when I’m swimming and then pretend you don’t care about me. You don’t get to act territorial about me by chasing all the girls away, then decide you just did that for the family image. You don’t get to come all over my fingers, my tongue, and my dick, then pretend you don’t fucking want me.”
Oh, God.
I swallow the lump in my throat, staring at him as if he’s grown two heads.
“But those aren’t the only lies you tell yourself,” he continues in that infuriatingly calm tone. “You pretend you’re happy for your father when you secretly hate his new marriage because you always had a fairy tale dream about your parents getting back together. You love my mum, but you feel guilty towards your mum because of it. You sometimes wish you were never born as your parents’ kid, because maybe that would make you feel wholesome like other children with non-separated parents. You feel guilty for dropping your friendship with Kimberly, but you act like a bitch to her because it’s your only defence mechanism to keep her away. You don’t want her to see the ugly parts of you or how empty you actually feel inside. You’re flawed and you hate those flaws, so you use the attitude and the looks to make everyone believe you’re a perfect human they wish they could turn into.
“You keep Summer and Veronica as friends, because they’re disposable and so you won’t feel the pain you still do whenever you look in Kimberly’s direction and realise she also left you behind and chose Elsa over you. Truth is, you’re jealous of Elsa and it’s not because of Aiden. You’re jealous not only that she took Kim, but also that Ronan and Xander are gravitating towards her and leaving your snobbishness behind. But you can’t tell them to spend time with you, because that will make you seem weak, and you loathe that more than losing all your friends who actually matter. You let guys get close, but never close enough to see who you are, what you are. You don’t allow anyone to see your makeup-free face, because you’re self-conscious about the freckles on your nose. You’re also self-conscious about listening to rock music, and you do it in secret because you’re worried that if Cynthia or anyone finds out you do listen to it, they’ll think you don’t deserve to play the piano. You —”
“Shut up!” My voice shakes, then breaks, coming out as haunted as I feel.
It’s like I’ve listened to a distorted retelling of my life. As if someone dipped their fingers inside me and wrenched out a part of me I’ve always kept under lock and key.
No. Not someone.
Cole.
He once again took my choice and learnt things he has no business learning.
Considering how observant he is, I figured he knew a few things about me, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought he delved too deep.
“Why?” he speaks casually, as if he didn’t just flip my world upside down. “You don’t like listening to the truth being thrown in your face? I can tell you about —”
“Stop it.” I meant it as an order, but it comes out as a plea. “Just stop, Cole.”
He drapes a hand around my nape and pulls me over so our foreheads connect. I gulp in harsh intakes of air, breathing him in with every inhale.
“Here’s the thing, Butterfly, I can’t stop.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re my chaos, and I can’t survive without chaos.”
“I’m chaos?”
“The worst of all. The most beautiful of all. And you know what? You might as well be the deadliest.”
My breathing chops off. “Are you ever going to let me go?”
“Are you?”
No.
The word stabs in my head as real and as gut-wrenching as that nightmare. There’s no need to think about it. I know for a fact that if I saw any girl near him again, I’d plot her fall and break her to unrecognisable pieces.
But I don’t say that, because truth is, I knew Cole lived for chaos. Under his calm exterior, it’s the only thing he plans for. The only thing he lives day-to-day for.
He always, without doubt, loses interest once the chaos turns boring.
That’s the same case for me. If I stop bringing chaos into his life and disrupting its flow in some way, he’ll drop me as if I never existed.
That thought pierces my heart more than the manifestation of my subconscious in that nightmare.
If I even remotely want to have him, then I need to be his chaos.
His only chaos.
And for that, I’m letting Papa, Mum, and even Helen down. I’m free-falling to sin and I have no way to stop it.
“That’s what I thought.” He grins, drops a kiss on my nose, and pulls me to him again.
He lies on his back and hugs me to the crook of his body so that I’m half-laying over him.
“Cole? What are you doing?”
His eyes are already closed. “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m sleeping.”
“You can’t sleep here,” I whisper-hiss, but when I try to get up, he pins me to his side.
“Sure I can, Butterfly. In fact, I don’t like my bed. I’m going to use yours every night.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Watch and see.”
“Papa or Helen could come in.”
“It’s locked; they won’t.”
“Still —”
“Just shut your busy brain for a second,” he cuts me off, sighing. “Close your eyes and sleep.”
“You think it’s that easy?”
“It is. I’ll give you pointers to sleep better.”
“Pointers?”
“Actually it’s one. Dream of me.”
I groan as I place my hand on his chest. Now that he’s put the idea in my head, I’m so sure I will.
“I hate you,” I tell him.
He smiles as his lips brush against my temple and stay there. “Not as much as you want me, Butterfly.”
Cole
As much as Silver acts like a bitch or directs all her maliciousness towards me, she sleeps like an angel.
Literally like one.
She snuggles to my side, her nails digging into my T-shirt. I inwardly groan at the memory of her dragging them down my back. She thinks she was hurting me, when in fact, she was proving how territorial she actually is about me.
Did she really think I wouldn’t notice she was leaving those marks so all the female population would see them? She was basically marking her territory.
Silver might be more low-key about her possessiveness, but it’s lurking in the background, waiting to be unleashed on the world.
Her long lashes flutter on her cheeks and her lips part the slightest bit, wishing for my fingers inside them.
The loose T-shirt slides down her cleavage, outlining the pale flesh of her tit and there’s a hint of her rosy nipple that’s begging for my fucking mouth on it.
I slowly pull the shirt up to hide it. My dick protests, but he needs to wait. Silver might sleep like an angel, but she’s a light sleeper. If I touch her, she’ll wake up, and I know I won’t stop if I start touching her. I have to take care of something else first.
Of course, I haven’t slept. One, she’s too distracting, moulding to my side like this. Two, this is one of the rarest chances I’ll get to take care of unfinished business.
I could’ve done it in the car earlier after I made Aiden drive us while I held her in the back seat, but I was too focused on her well-being to think of anything else.
Aiden was right — I took it too far. But that’s the thing about Silver, it’s clear that I have no brakes when it comes to her.
That’s not good.
Control is everything I have. I command situations and people before the action even plays out. I’m a director, but my sets are real and my actors are actual people.
However, when Silver showed up dressed like a fucking fantasy at my room in Ronan’s house, and not only kicked out Jennifer but also took her place, I lost all common sense.
After the last text I sent her, I suspected she’d follow; I never thought she’d be that direct about it. I never thought she’d actually let me tie her down and gag her and blindfold her. Or that she’d enjoy it the way she did.
Then she pissed me off by refusing to admit she wanted it and I lost track.
I can’t do that.
I need a remote control when I’m with her. Or that’s what I told myself. Then I found myself sneaking into her room again.
It was a bit easier when I didn’t have her. Now that she’s mine, I can’t stay away. Not touching her has become equivalent to physical torture.
And now, I need to know what’s bothering her. No one fucks with her.
Or at least, no one but me.