TWENTY-SEVEN | ANASTASIA
For something designedto make you feel better, positive affirmations fucking suck. They aren’t working. I don’t feel any more positive. I don’t feel any more affirmed. Why do I bother?
Moving behind me so his body looms over mine, Nate’s hands hold my waist tightly, the heat of his fingers searing the skin of my exposed stomach. Keeping his body close to mine, his mouth finds my ear, whispering. “You ready for this, Allen?”
My heart is ready to beat out of my chest, thoughts in irreparable chaos. It’s been weeks, and I don’t know if I’m ready. No. I know I’m not. I don’t want to.
“Three, two, one…”
“No!” Gripping his wrists, it doesn’t take much to pull him off me. “No, I can’t!”
Letting me go, he allows me to skate away, shaking off the uncomfortable prickling tension at the bottom of my neck. This is getting ridiculous, and I know that. I can feel his frustration when I stop him before he lifts me. He never takes it out on me, he never says anything, but I know it’s there.
Nate skates off in the opposite direction, hands on his hips, catching his breath. “Nate, I’m sorry!” I shout for what feels like the millionth team.
He glides toward me, and I want to cave to my instincts. Let him scoop me up, carry me away, and shower me in affection. I want to wrap myself around him and let him whisper promises into my skin about how he’ll never let me down.
Two hands capture my face, lightly tilting my head back. I want him to bend down and kiss me, but he won’t because I’ve told him he can’t.
Another thing to be angry with myself over.
“Why don’t you trust me?” His tone is soft, which only makes this harder. “Stas, I’m not going to drop you.”
“I…” I don’t have an answer for him. Every time the anxiety swirls in the pit of my stomach, I can’t breathe. We’ve been practicing in the gym and I know he can pick me up, but for some reason, being out here doing it for real is just too much. “I do trust you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Moving toward Brady, she’s wearing her signature look of irritation. “You two need to work this out. Anastasia, if you want to be a pair skater, you need to be able to work with a pair.”
She’s saying it like that knowledge isn’t my current obsession. “I know, Coach.”
“The longer you let this fear rule you, the more you suffer. Work it out and work it out quickly.”
Holding back the tears, Nate and I step off the ice and put our guards on. The worst bit is I’m having so much fun training with Nathan, and now that he’s used to his skates, he’s learning quickly.
Even though he’s here to help me, I’m weirdly proud when he nails a jump. Don’t get me wrong, he’s landed on his ass a hundred times, each time funnier than the last, but now if he’s on the floor, he knocks my legs out from under me when I try to help him up, catching me in his lap.
My love for skating has been revitalized and he’s a massive part of that. He drapes an arm across my shoulders as we walk toward the locker rooms. “We’re going to do it. I’ll make a plan. We’ll get through it together.”
Stopping in his tracks, I follow his eye line to the last person I was expecting to see. “Aaron, what’re you doing here?”
“Can we talk?” His eyes float to Nate, and his posture stiffens. “Alone.”
“Absolutely not,” Nate snaps.
“Nathan…” The last thing I need is a brawl. “I don’t have anything to say to you, Aaron.”
“Don’t say anything then,” he says softly. “Just listen and then I’ll go.”
Nate’s arm tightens around me, and I dislike the feeling of being stuck between them. This is the longest Aaron and I haven’t talked; it’s not because I’m not desperate to hear him say something that helps me make sense of this, it’s because I’m sick of being his verbal punching bag.
“Let me get changed first,” I tell him. “I’ll meet you in the office in a couple of minutes.”
“Anastasia,” Nathan says firmly, and I can sense his anxiety, but I can’t avoid Aaron forever.
Squeezing the hand resting on my shoulder, I attempt to reassure him. “I’ll be fine, and it won’t take long.”
Heading into the locker rooms, my mood immediately improves when I can hear a few of the younger skaters gossiping before their practice.
“He’s so freaking hot.”
“He’s the captain of the hockey team.”
“What a lucky bitch.”
“They’re so hooking up behind Aubrey’s back.”
“I heard he’s the one who messed up Aaron.”
“I thought she was with the basketball guy?”
“Good, Aaron’s a creep.”
“No, I follow him, and he’s always posting about a blond girl called Olivia.”
“They definitely are. I bet Aubrey has already guessed.”
“I’d risk her wrath if he looked at me like that. Did you hear he had to put on shorts because of how big his d—”
“Girls?” I say, trying not to laugh. “Coach Brady is waiting for you all.”
It’s so quiet you’d be able to hear a pin drop. There isn’t another peep out of them as they all walk past me looking horrified.
Part of me is in no rush to get changed, dreading facing Aaron. The other part of me wants to get it over with. Nathan is waiting for me when I finally drag myself from the locker room.
“I don’t like this,” is the first thing he says. His hand cups my cheek softly, and I can’t stop myself from leaning into its warmth. “I want you to make your own choices, but please remember you don’t owe him anything. Don’t let him guilt you.”
“Wait for me in the car?”
He nods, leaning forward, changing his mind again and leaning back, then finally committing and kissing my forehead quickly before heading toward the exit.
The walk to the office feels twice as long, knowing who’s waiting, but I face the music anyway, pushing the door open.
Aaron’s sitting at the table, his bad wrist strapped to his chest, making it look extra serious. Closing the door behind me, I take a seat opposite him, concentrating on my breathing.
“I’ve wanted to come here for weeks,” he says quietly, staring at his free hand resting on the table. “But I was angry at you, and it wouldn’t have been good for either of us.”
I’m surprised my jaw doesn’t hit the floor. Aaron has practically hounded me, begging me to move back home, but apparently, he was angry at me? “What could you possibly be angry at me about?”
“Are you kidding me? You move out without telling me, and you move in with the guy responsible for me not being able to skate?”
My jaw ticks as I fight to stay calm. “He says he had nothing to do with it.”
“You’d believe anything he tells you. That’s your problem, Stassie.” He scoffs, looking me dead in the face. “You’re naïve. You make out that you’re Ms. Positive, and you want to communicate, but it’s all bullshit. You’re just a liar.”
Is this a fever dream?There’s no way I’m hearing this right. I don’t know what to address first. I should walk out and never talk to him again, but unfortunately, I can’t. “If you’re going to sit and attack me, I will leave.”
“I’m not attacking you. I want to talk. I want to sort things out between us.”
“How can you not hear you’re attacking me? You’re mad at me for moving out, but you told me to fuck off.” I’m trying not to let him get under my skin, but my brain wants to scream, and my heart wants to cry. “I’ve been undereating, Aaron. I’ve been at a higher risk of injury for months, and you’re the one with the problem? I trusted you!”
“You are so fucking dramatic. Why are you acting like I’ve been starving you?” He groans loudly, looking to the ceiling, then back to me. “I thought it was fine! You’ve never complained and you’re an adult, Anastasia. You can eat more if you’re hungry! How is it my fault you don’t listen to your own body?”
“Oh, and have you remind me I have an outfit to fit into? Or have you groan when you lift me?”
“So, I’m a bad guy because I keep you accountable?”
“It isn’t accountability, Aaron, it’s obsession! You care too much about what I’m doing and whom I’m doing it with.” My voice breaks, and I hate it. I hate that he can tell what he’s doing to me. “You want to control me, and you’re destroying our friendship, our partnership!”
“When are you coming home?” he says abruptly. “I miss you.”
His change of direction gives me whiplash and it reminds me that deep down, Aaron’s lost. “I can’t come home until you properly understand what you’ve done, and I believe you will change.” Standing from my seat, I sling my purse over my shoulder. “I can’t trust you right now, Aaron. But we’re paired together whether we like it or not, so I’m going to need to be able to navigate this somehow.”
He nods, face blank. “I know you believe anything he tells you, but why would I purposely put you at a greater risk of injury, Anastasia?” Sighing, he lets his shoulder sag. “If you don’t believe I care about you, fine. But you know I care about myself, so why would I risk my own goals if you ended up with an injury?”
If this wasn’t such a miserable situation, what he said might be funny. He isn’t wrong; the number one thing Aaron Carlisle cares about is himself. “I don’t know why you do a lot of the things you do. But it doesn’t mean you don’t do them.”
“I didn’t like watching you skating with someone else. I do want to fix this, Stas. I promise.”
“I believe you, but right now your promise isn’t enough.”
* * *