No matter what I do, how much progress I think I’ve made with Cecily, how deeply I think I’ve claimed her, it always feels like she’s gatekeeping a part of herself.
The one I can’t reach. The one I’m not allowed access to.
When I meet Annika’s gaze, I find that she’s watching me carefully. She must see the change in my expression and even the demons floating around my head like a halo.
Despite my calm demeanor, the façade is nothing more than a camouflage of the need for violence that ripples through me.
I stand up and, without a word, I follow Cecily’s steps. The asphyxiating feeling I’ve had ever since she left my side turns from bad to fucking disastrous when I don’t find her in the long line.
Judging by the time she left, she should be here somewhere, but she isn’t.
I stride down the hall to the back entrance. The air slaps my face the moment I’m outside, but it’s not as jarring as the feeling that slams against my chest when I catch a glimpse of a very familiar fucking car.
A damn flashy McLaren.
Cecily stands in front of it, talking to the car owner while rubbing her arms. Up and down.
Her expression is solemn, her face is caught in its ethereal calm, and her cheeks are flushed.
I try to imagine that it’s only because of the chilly night, that it’s not because she’s talking to that fucker Landon.
After leaving me inside.
It takes me a few moments to regulate my breathing. If I act right now, I’ll kill him and choke the fuck out of her.
Calm the fuck down.
Easier said than done when my muscles are tightening, demanding I pummel the fucker to the ground and claim her in his blood as I promised to.
I wait in the shadows for a beat. Two. Ten.
Then I stalk in their direction. I wouldn’t say I’m in complete control of my physical power, but I know exactly where my priorities are.
“Can’t you just stop?” Her words reach me first, soft, imploring, like whenever she’s trying to convince me of something.
The fact that she’s using it on that motherfucker Landon smashes all my attempts to remain calm.
“I’ll stop when I’m dead.” He grins and reaches a hand out to her.
I grab it before he can touch her, then twist it, and I’m about to break his wrist, but he follows my movements and slips away at the last second.
“Hi there, Jeremy. I see you’re a brute as always.” He flings his wrist in the air. “I need my beautiful hands to sculpt, you uncultured swine.”
“One more reason to break your fucking fingers.” I advance toward him, and he curls his hands that he was just bitching about into fists.
Landon is the only art student I know who’s into violence while knowing full well that he could lose his sculpting future in a freak incident at any time, like tonight.
“Jeremy, stop it.” Cecily comes to my side, her body shaking and her voice choked up, probably knowing exactly how much she fucked up.
“Shut up.” I glare at her over my shoulder. “I’ll deal with you in a bit.”
Gentle fingers grab my bicep and effortlessly try to pull me back. I whirl around, grab her by the shoulders, and shake her so hard that she gasps, her entire body going into shock.
“Stop fucking defending him,” I roar, and she freezes, then blinks, a shine gathering in her bottom lids. “The more you take his side, the more adamant I’ll become about finishing his miserable life.”
Cecily trembles in my hold and a loathsome expression I thought would never appear on her face again slowly materializes in front of me.
Fear.
She’s scared of me. We’re back to square one, where she counts her breaths and words around me. Where she doesn’t trust me.
And it’s all because of this motherfucker—
“This has been nice and all, but I have other matters more important than brawling with you, Heathen.” He grins at me through the open window of his car. “Take it easy on our Cecy. She can be sensitive. Remember, I’m always the better choice, love.”
And then his car revs down the road before I can snatch him out and make him one with the ground.
Cecily shrugs her shoulder, using my distraction to free herself of my hold. “I’m going back inside.”
I grab her by the elbow and wrench her around to face me. “Why don’t you tell me what type of rendezvous you had with Landon first?”
“There was no rendezvous. But if I’d told you he wanted to talk, you wouldn’t have believed me.”
“Why does he have to talk to you in the back of an alley? If there was really nothing, why did you have to sneak around?”
“Because of this!” She throws her hands in the air. “You become unhinged whenever his name is brought up, and I would rather not provoke this side of you if I can help it.”
“Meeting him in secret isn’t a solution, Cecily.”
“Would you rather I meet him in public?”
“I’d rather you don’t meet the fucker at all.”
She flinches at my harsh tone and I take a few calming breaths. “Would you like it if I met Maya behind your back?”
Her lips purse. “No.”
“See? Just like your mind goes to the worst at the thought of her, mine does, too, but ten times worse because you actually had feelings for him!”
Her lips twitch and her face becomes paler than her hair. “I… I didn’t mean to.”
“That doesn’t change the result.” I step forward, softening my tone as much as possible. “Is there something you’re hiding from me, Cecily?”
She gulps, a gentle hue covering her cheeks. “Why would you think that?”
“I just feel it.” I don’t have her fully, even in moments where she feels like she’s mine, it’s not complete somehow. I tried to ignore it at first, to trust her and compromise, as she likes to remind me.
But it’s impossible now.
A shard broke the reminder of my trust the moment I found out she was sneaking around to see Landon. Has it happened before?
Will it happen again?
Will I wake up one day and find out everything we have pales in comparison to the feelings she has for her precious fucking prince?
Cecily stares up at me with those big, bright eyes. “Do you promise not to be angry if I tell you?”
“Depends on what you tell me.”
“I can’t say it if you’re being like this.”
“So you’d rather keep me in the dark?”
“No. Hiding this bit of information has been eating me alive. I can’t hide it from you any longer.”
“Is it about Landon?”
She nods once. My blood goes icy cold.
“Are you cheating on me, Cecily?”
“What? No! You think I would have the mind to entertain being with anyone else after you came into my life?”
That should appease the frigidness inside me, but it doesn’t. Not even close. “Then what is it?”
“You look so scary right now.”
“Spell it out, Cecily.”
She swallows a few times, then stares at her feet before she focuses on me. “Remember that first time in the initiation?”
I nod.
“You asked me why I was there, and I never really gave you an answer. Back then, eh, you know I had a crush on Lan, right?”
“Who the fuck doesn’t?”
She takes my hand in hers, touching, stroking, soothing. “It was meaningless, I know that now, but back then, I didn’t, so when he asked me to go to the initiation on behalf of Creigh and get as much information about your mansion as I could, I did.”
I narrow my eyes. “So you’re his spy?”
“Were. Only that once, and I regretted it deeply after I knew he, well, used the information I gave him to start that fire. I swear I didn’t know or want to. I thought he only needed it for defense purposes. If he’d told me about his plan, I would’ve never helped him.”
I slide my forefinger against my thigh, up and down, up and down in a slow rhythm. My muscles lock and I feel so frigid, I’m surprised the blood doesn’t freeze in my veins.
“But you did help him. Is that why you showed up at the gate that day? Out of a sense of guilt?”
She shakes her head frantically. “I was worried about you. I really didn’t want you or anyone else to get hurt.”
“Guilt then.” I pull my hand from hers, my voice ice-cold. “What else have you done? What did you help your precious Landon with? Did he plant you as a spy by my side?”
“No! I would never do that to you.”
“But you did help him burn the mansion while I was inside it. That didn’t work, so maybe you decided to take this further. Did he train you for a game of seduction? Did he teach you to use vulnerability to get to me? Did he tell you to be like my mom, to use my weakness against me?”
Her body jerks, but I only see that as another lie. Another act.
Another fucking deception.
“No, please stop it, Jeremy. It was never like that.”
“How would I know? Everything you said and did could be part of his careful scheme. Were you always with him, and he told you to use me for his greater plan? Did he teach you how to open your legs for me?”
She raises her hand and slaps me across the face, tears sliding down her cheeks. I could almost believe they’re real.
Almost.
Despite the crying and the sniffling, she raises her chin. “I won’t allow you to disrespect me like that.”