But he still speaks in that eternally casual tone. “I heard you that night when I was nine and had beat up that tool who was calling Mia names. Mom was depressed, drinking wine late at night in the kitchen, and you came to find her. I was right outside when you told her you should’ve only had Gareth and that I’m defective. And you know what? I heard Mom being angry, I heard her telling you to never say that again if you loved her, but your words are the only thing I remember. Thanks for the beautiful childhood memories, Dad. You hate who I am with everything in you, but you should be thankful. If those words had been directed at your golden boy there, he would’ve developed a trauma. Shouldn’t we all be grateful that I’m not a neurotypical fucking weakling?”
“Oh, Kill.” Reina steps toward him, but he holds up a hand.
“Spare me, Mom. I don’t want to hear you defending him.”
“I’m sorry, baby.” She grabs a hold of his arm. “I’m sorry you had to hear that and think I was afraid of you because of the mice incident. A mother can’t be scared of her own child. The only reason I was horrified back then was because I realized you were like someone from our past. Someone Asher and I loved with all our hearts but ended up stabbing us in the back. It’s why he said those words, too. We knew there was a chance of having a child who inherited that someone’s genes, and it happened with you. Asher said we should only have Gareth, but I’m the one who wanted another child, I’m the one who wanted you with all my heart, Kill. I know what he said was wrong, but he didn’t even mean it. Those were words of anger. Asher loves you as much as he loves Gareth, Kill. But you’re the one who distanced yourself from him.”
And now, I know why.
It wasn’t because my father covered his tracks instead of me or because I thought maybe he disliked me.
Turns out he genuinely dislikes me.
A shot of pain explodes behind my rib cage and spreads all over my chest. I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to, so I take some time to regulate my breathing.
Gareth’s gaze flits between me and his brother as if he’s unable to believe what he’s hearing.
“So it’s my fault now?” Killian barks out cruel laughter, then it dies out as abruptly as it started. “Wow, Mom, I feel gaslighted right now and that definitely doesn’t look good on you.”
“Do you not remember how you stopped spending time with your father? You even stopped hugging him in greeting and often left the table first.” She softens her voice.
“That’s because he prefers his golden boy.”
“Not true,” Gareth says. “Whenever we invited you to come along, you refused.”
“Forgive me if I don’t like spending time with a father who never wanted me.”
“Killian,” I call, and he slowly faces me, jaw set.
He thinks we’re going to war again, that this will be another fight and I’ll assert my parental position by suppressing him again.
I place a hand on his shoulder and he tenses, ready for the jab or whatever he thinks I’ll do.
“I’m sorry.”
His eyes widen a little, which is about the only reaction he shows, but before he can think about it further, I continue.
“I didn’t realize my words, as impulsive as they were, would have this effect on you and I apologize for not looking further into the reason you methodically cut off your relationship with me. But if it’s any consolation, it’s not about your person, son. Your behavior reminded me of painful memories and the young bitter me, and I reacted badly to that. It’s not your fault, it’s completely mine. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better father figure to you.”
Reina cries silently and Gareth holds her shoulder, hugging her to his side.
Killian narrows his eyes, but the stiffness has vanished. “You apologized twice.”
“So?”
“You’ve never apologized before. Not to anyone.”
“I did to your mother once, and I’m doing it again to my son. My family members are the only ones I’ll apologize to when an apology is due. And, Kill?”
“Yeah?”
“You and Gareth aren’t different in my eyes, not even a little. I’m only harsher with you because your character is harsher.”
He shrugs. “Gareth can be a pain in the ass, too. You just don’t see it.”
“Hey!” my eldest son protests.
Reina smiles with tears in her eyes and rubs his chest. “I want a family hug.”
And then she pulls us all in a hug, because she can be sentimental like that. All three of us would rather not do this, but if there’s anything we agree on, it’s our care for this woman.
She can make me and our boys burn a whole town for her by just saying the words.
Then she hugs Kill individually, basically strangling him, considering his expression, then whispers something in his ear.
For the first time ever, his features soften and he looks like that six-year-old boy who used to sit on a swing and stare into space like an old man.
“What are you looking at, Kill?” I asked him once.
He sighed with the exasperation of a person who’s seen it all. “How boring everything is. How do I make it less boring, Dad?”
I should’ve known by then that we had a special kid on our hands. Someone who didn’t need the world, or even us.
There’s no doubt in my mind that if he was on his own, he’d live just fine, maybe even be freer than he is right now. He wouldn’t have to worry about hiding his true self or repressing his urges for my and his mother’s sake.
He’d be a true monster and would probably get away with it for a while before he eventually got locked up.
But we need him in our lives, cold-bloodedness and manipulativeness included.
Yes, he can be a monster, but he usually chooses not to at home. It’s a mature choice he made a long time ago after the fights stopped, and one he’ll continue to make.
But even if he doesn’t, we’ll deal with it when it comes.
One thing’s for certain, Killian will always be my son.
I’ll never forget the tears in Reina’s eyes when she held him in her arms for the first time. “Look at him, our baby is so beautiful, Ash.”
“He is.”
“He would’ve been more beautiful if he was a girl, but oh well, we can always try again.” She kissed his forehead. “I love you to bits, baby.”
“Can he play football with me, Daddy?” Gareth asked me while he craned his neck to see his brother.
“Sure thing. We can teach him.”
“Yes!” He kissed his brother on the cheek. “I’m gonna teach you all the things.”
That moment seems like it happened yesterday. I think the reason it’s coming back to me now is because this scene is creepily similar to it.
It’s been such a long time since the four of us have felt like a connected family. Killian always, without doubt, ruined it.
He was acting out, I now realize, demanding the attention he thought he was due.
At this moment, he doesn’t seem like he feels the need to.
“Now”—Reina pulls back—“did you say Glyn left?”
Seeming to have recalled the reason he’s been behaving like a beast in the middle of the night, Killian clenches his jaw and nods.
“It wasn’t me,” Gareth says, softer this time. “If I’d wanted to do that, I would’ve done it back at campus, not here.”
My wife strokes Killian’s arm. “Was she mad at you?”
“Very.”
“If you apologize, she might listen.”
“I don’t think an apology would cut it. She…” He trails off, then lowers his head. “She looked both scared and disgusted with me. She’s never looked at me that way before and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“First things first, don’t be yourself. It’d do more harm than good,” Gareth tells him and Killian flips him off.
“On the contrary,” I say. “Be yourself. If she can’t deal with you at your worst, then you’ll eventually suffocate her and she’ll hate you. And you’ll probably hate her, too, and it’ll turn into a vicious cycle.”
“If you truly care about her, then pursue her, Kill,” Reina supplies.
“You think?”
“I’m sure. How do you think your father got me? He just refused to leave me alone and I had to settle.” She sighs, eyes filled with glimmering emotions. “It helped that I’d loved him since I was a teen, though.”
I’ve been married to this woman for over twenty-five years, and she still makes me fall for her harder every day.
Every single moment.
She’s not the reason behind my happiness—she’s the definition of the word.
Killian marches to Gareth and wraps an arm around his shoulder. “We’re going back to campus.”
“Why would I come along?”
“You need to show me all the archives of that night. I have a theory.”
“Can’t it wait till the morning?”
“Why would it?”
“Why would it not?”
After some arguments, they finally agree to head back. They even wake my father up in the middle of the night so they can borrow his private jet.
After they change, Reina and I walk them to the entrance. She hugs them together, then one at a time while smoothing invisible wrinkles from their clothes.
“But I still didn’t get my fill of you, boys.”
“We’ll come back, Mom.” Gareth grabs Killian in a chokehold. “I’ll make sure to bring this idiot, too.”
“Who are you calling an idiot, wanna die?” Kill tries to get out of his hold and fails.
Gareth only releases him when he hugs me goodbye. “See you, Dad.”
“See you, son.”
Killian is about to turn and leave, but I grab his shoulders and for the first time since he was a kid, I wrap my arms around him and bring him close.
It takes him a moment before he stiffly pats my back. It’ll take him some time, but he’ll get there.
“Stay out of trouble, son.”
He grins as we break apart. “How else will you ask about me?” I narrow my eyes and he laughs. “That was a joke.”
Then they get in the backseat of the car so my chauffeur can drive them to the airport.
Reina and I remain at the door long after they’re gone, arms wrapped around each other as she sniffles.
“Why do they grow up so fast?” she grumbles but then sighs and smiles up at me. “Silver lining, I’m so glad we had that conversation tonight as painful as it was.”
“Me, too.”
She strokes my cheek, her touch soft, loving, and the only thing I need. “I know it must’ve triggered that horrible trauma, but I’m so glad you could look past it and talk to Kill. I’m so proud of you.”
I can die a happy man if my wife is proud of me. No questions asked.
“I love you, Ash.”
“I love you, too, prom queen.” I tug her closer. “Do you think he’ll be able to get Glyndon back?”
“Oh, I’m sure he will. He looks at her the way you look at me.”
I raise an eyebrow. “And how do I look at you?”
“Like you’ll destroy the world as long as I remain safe.”
“It’s true. Now, tell me, what did you whisper to Kill earlier?”
She smiles as she stares in the distance. “That we love him no matter how different he is.”