The more the phone vibrates, the harder I breathe, scrabbling, fighting for air that doesn’t exist. My trembling finger hovers over the screen like every time he calls, but like always, I don’t answer.
One missed call appears on the screen.
Then, as usual, a text follows.
Nikolai
Answer the fucking phone.
I open his texts and flip onto my back to read them, inhaling deeply, holding it in my churning stomach, then puffing out the air in a long, shaky exhale.
Little by little, I can feel the ink retreating to the shadows, even if its invisible hands are still strangling my cursed wrist.
I scroll up, reading all the texts he’s sent since I left the island after I made sure Lan’s wrist was safe.
At that time, I needed to get away from it all and figured being with my parents was the perfect solution.
I’m not so sure anymore.
It hurts everywhere, whether I’m on the island or here.
Still, I can’t help rereading his texts. They’ve gone from raging to pleading to raging again. He calls me twenty times a day like a damn stalker.
A couple of days ago, he stopped the texts and calls altogether, so I thought he’d given up, but he called me just now. What does that mean?
Am I supposed to feel hopeful because of it?
I exit the texts and open Instagram, then go to his profile like a junkie. He hasn’t posted anything for a long time, but I scroll through the old pictures. As if I don’t have every single one saved on my phone in a special folder.
A knock startles me before Mum’s voice filters through. “Bran, hon, you awake?”
I throw the knife under the pillow and sit up in bed to put on my watch, then clear my throat. “Yeah. Come in.”
My fingers tighten around the phone, keeping it against my chest like makeshift armor as the door opens.
Mum and Dad walk in with handfuls of snacks, popcorn, and beer.
“Film night,” Dad says. “Don’t think you’re escaping.”
I smile and slide my phone into my pocket. “Shouldn’t we go to the home cinema for that?”
They abandon the contents of their arms on my desk and sit on either side of me.
“Before we do that…” Mum trails off. “I wanted to have a little chat first.”
“Okay,” I say warily.
“I wanted to apologize, honey. I was reflecting on my words and realized that in my attempts to get you the best deal possible, I’ve been pushing you, and I think that made you uncomfortable. If you prefer Maxine over Grace, go for it. I’ll stand behind you every step of the way.”
“Really?”
“Of course, Bran. You can tell me these things head-on. You know that, right?”
I nod.
“Do you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Mum. Anyone in your position would think it’s an honor to be represented by Grace. But I’m not at your level yet. I don’t want that pressure.”
“I understand. One step at a time, right?”
My smile is much more genuine this time.
“It wasn’t so hard to express yourself, was it, son?” Dad asks, throwing a comforting arm on my shoulder.
“We’re your parents, not your guardians or people you need to be wary around.” Mum takes my hand in her smaller ones. “You don’t have to think about it when you talk to us. You can tell us what’s on your mind freely.”
My breathing comes easier with every inhale and exhale as I summon all the courage I have and say, “Mum, Dad. I want to tell you something.”
“Anything,” she says and Dad gives an encouraging nod.
“So…the thing is. I…well, this is a lot more difficult to speak aloud than I thought.”
“Take your time.” Dad strokes my back. “Whatever it is, you’re not alone, Bran.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I clear my throat. “Remember when a long time ago I asked you why am I not normal?”
“When you were fourteen?”
“Yeah. You asked me in what department did I not feel normal, and I just shrugged and hoped you’d let it go. That thought came to me when I saw Lan and everyone else shagging their way through school. Lan first had sex at thirteen. I didn’t even consider it at that time.”
“Oh, my word.” Mum gasps.
“You weren’t supposed to know that.” I grimace. “Anyway, he told me all about it, said I’d get around to it myself, and gave me a lot of pointers. I was more bemused than interested. I didn’t like the concept of sex. I didn’t find it appealing in any shape or form. I thought I was a late bloomer and Lan agreed, which made sense. But even at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, or beyond, I didn’t like the idea. I didn’t want to have it and didn’t find anyone attractive.”
“But…” Dad pauses, seeming to measure his words. “You had girlfriends.”
“Yeah. I did have sex. I didn’t like it, but I did it anyway to blend in.”
“Oh, honey.” Mum watches me with a wretched expression. “Why didn’t you talk to us? We could’ve—”
“No. The idea of being different haunted the hell out of me. I couldn’t just admit it out loud. Even to you guys. I didn’t want to be seen as a freak.”
“Not wanting to have sex does not make you a freak, Bran,” Dad says firmly. “Everyone is different and that’s the beauty of it. Just because you don’t have the sexual drive doesn’t make you any less of who you are.”
“I’m starting to learn that now. I wish it was easy to express one’s different sexuality without being judged for it.”
“We would never judge you, hon.”
“You wouldn’t, but society would, Mum. Society would compare me to my sex-god twin brother and label me as the defective one. They already think that in the art circuit anyway. I didn’t want to add my sexuality to it.”
“Society can go fuck itself,” Dad says. “What’s important is you. As long as you’re comfortable in your own skin, everyone else can fuck off. If they say anything, I’ll drag them through enough courts to make them wish they’d never crossed your path.”
I smile a little. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Did…something change?” Mum asks in a hopeful tone.
“What makes you think that?”
“You often look at your phone and have a longing expression on your face.”
“I do?”
Both of them nod and I wince. I didn’t realize I was that obvious.
“Did you find someone who understands you?” Dad asks.
“Will you be too shocked if I say it’s a man?”
Mum’s lips break into a grin. “I knew it.”
“Me, too,” Dad says.
“What?” I stare between them as if they’re aliens. “How…? Why…? When? I didn’t even know it myself.”
“Well, hon. You had your first crush on a guy.”
“What?”
“My stepbrother, Jayden.”
“Jay?”
“You called him a prince and said, ‘Mum, he’s so pretty,’ when you first met him. You were, what? Five at the time? Lan was having fun watching girls fight over him, but you were all over Jay. That didn’t last long and you eventually became friends, but I definitely saw the attraction in your little eyes.”
Right. I do remember thinking he was really pretty. But then puberty came and I never thought of him in that sense. I never thought of anyone in that sense.
With one damning exception.
“Afterward,” Mum continues. “You were more into girls, so I thought maybe you were bi, but I didn’t want to broach the subject until you told me yourself. I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to tell us.”
I smile at her, feeling a bit daft for being so stupidly worried about this. Then I tilt my head in the direction of my father, who’s been awfully quiet.
His face is unreadable as he seems to be fighting his demons.
“Dad? Are you…okay with it?”
“Your sexuality? Naturally. This guy, however, I’m not sure yet. What’s his name? Age? Parents’ names?”
“Uh…so…remember Killian?”
His lips part. “Please don’t tell me you’re with your sister’s boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend?”
“What? No. Of course not, Dad.”
“Ew, Levi.” Mum smacks his hand.
“Fine, okay.” He releases a breath. “It can’t be worse than that.”
“He’s his cousin.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Dad’s face literally pales and I kind of feel bad for him. He’s been dealing with Lan his whole life, then he had Kill, who’s also a diagnosed psychopath, and I don’t think he’s even processed that.
“Please tell me he’s the levelheaded cousin who keeps him in check.”
“To be honest, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Killian is definitely the one who keeps Nikolai in check.”
“Fuck my life.” He exhales. “Astrid, Princess. I think I’m having a heart attack.”
“Dad…are you okay?” I study him closely. “I’m actually not with him right now, so you don’t have to worry.”
“Oh, screw that.” Mum shakes him again. “Your dad just needs to stop being a baby.”
Coincidentally, Dad’s expression returns to normal. “You’re not together, you said?”
“Levi!” Mum scolds.
“What? I can’t have this bunch of psychos corrupting my children. I’m sure you’ll find someone better, son.”
A sad smile curves my lips. “I don’t think so, Dad.”
“What happened?” Mum asks in a soft tone.
“Something concerning Mia.”
“Lan’s girlfriend?”
“Yeah. She’s also Nikolai’s younger sister and he really, and I mean really, hates Lan’s guts. Mostly because, well, my dear brother caused him and his friends a lot of trouble.”
Mum sighs with resignation. “Lan, oh, Lan.”
“So did Lan beat him up?” Dad asks with a note of anticipation.
“Levi!” Mum scolds again.
“I approve of Lan protecting his siblings.”
“Way to set an example for your children, hon.”
“Did he?” he asks me.
“It was the other way around, and I’m mad at Nikolai for that.”
“Well, didn’t Lan beat up Kill once?” Mum asks.
“That’s my boy.” Dad nods in approval and Mum rolls her eyes.
“Still, he shouldn’t have done it. I begged him not to and he didn’t seem to care.” I release a long sigh. “Anyway, I’m going to be fine.”
“It’s okay if you aren’t.” Dad slaps me affectionately on the back.
Mum hugs me and kisses the top of my head. Her smell and warmth engulf me as she whispers, “I’m proud of you, hon. I love you just the way you are.”
I wrap my arm around her even as I think.
I wish you didn’t.
Now that this admission is out in the open. I know it’s only a matter of time before the rest bulldozes through my weakened defenses.
And when that happens, I doubt I’ll be able to hug her again.
* * *