“I can’t wait to see Mum’s and Dad’s reactions when they find out.” Glyn grins and then pauses. “That is, if you want to tell them?”
“I will.”
“They’re going to flip their shit.”
“In a good or a bad way?”
“Bran, you could literally be an alien and they’ll love you. You’re their favorite.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You totally are. Mum worships you, and Dad loves you so much, he’s always like, Bran did this and Bran did that.” She pauses. “Not sure he’ll like Nikolai, though. He’s a massive menace.”
I wince. “It doesn’t help that he’s Kill’s cousin.”
“Kill can be civilized. Nikolai is…well, not?”
“Why Nikolai?” Cecily asks. “No matter how much I think about it, you guys are worlds apart in character. Where he’s chaotic, you’re organized to a fault. He’s unhinged, you’re methodical. You’re, like, opposites.”
“Maybe that’s why it worked. Besides, he didn’t really leave me much of a choice. He invaded my life and wasn’t budging no matter how much I pushed him away…well, that is, until now.”
“What’s wrong?” Glyn pulls away, frowning. “Please tell me it’s not because of Lan.”
“They fought the other night, right?” Cecily winces. “Jeremy said Nikolai hasn’t been himself this past week.”
“It’s not Lan, it’s me. He didn’t like the fact that I was hesitant.”
“But this whole thing is new for you, Bran. It’s okay to take your time.” Glyn rubs my shoulder.
“Not if it means I could lose him. I think I hurt him whenever I do that, because he believes I’m ashamed of him.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not,” I blurt out quickly. “I just… I can’t help thinking about all the other factors, namely Lan.”
“Ugh. Seriously, you need to get over your fixation on Lan’s reaction to everything you do. I love you, Bran, I really do, but you give him so much leeway for all the shit he does.” Glyn sighs. “He doesn’t even care.”
She’s wrong. Or maybe I’m also holding on to another myth that was never true.
But seriously, what does it mean if I’m more worried about Lan’s reaction than my damn parents’?
Not that I’m not concerned about Mum and Dad—I get a queasy feeling just thinking about that conversation, but Lan…
I can feel my stomach dipping when I imagine the haughty, disappointed expression he often gives my art.
He’s always been perfect, and his disapproval gives me fucking nightmares.
“I mean, not to be the devil’s advocate.” Cecily grimaces. “But nothing good will happen if Lan knows about Nikolai. That’ll be like when he learned about Killian and Glyn all over again.”
“That’s what I said.” I rub my face. “Nikolai doesn’t seem to agree. I really don’t want them to fight again.”
“You’re right…” Glyn’s shoulders droop. “It won’t be pretty.”
“You bitches!” A loud voice comes through and we all groan as Remi slides to our table, dragging Ava behind him. “I can’t believe you’re having afternoon tea without my lordship. If I hadn’t seen Glyn’s story, I would’ve been none the wiser. And then I find this one lurking in the house like a thief. You bitches will be the death of me, seriously.”
“I’m not a thief, I was just looking for Bran.” Ava kisses my cheek. “Hi, Bran.”
“Hey.”
Ava sits beside Cecily and hugs her. “Missed you, bestie.”
Cecily rubs her arm. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” She smooches her cheek.
Remi pulls up a chair and invades the space between me and Cecily, and they fight about who gets to sit beside me.
Since I’m the most levelheaded of the group, they always want to be with me. I often get texts like, It’s boring without you, Bran.
Even though I’m not a clown like Remi or hyper like Ava, I have a special place in the group.
Why did I ever feel like I’d be judged by my closest friends? My intimate circle of support?
No, it’s not them I was scared of. It’s me. It’s always my-fucking-self.
I’m my own worst enemy.
“So what were you talking about before my lordship’s spectacular arrival?” Remi steals Glyn’s macarons and Cecily’s tea.
“Nothing.” Cecily winks at me.
I shake my head at her and take a deep breath. “Remi, Ava. I want to tell you something.”
* * *
Though I’m joinedby Cecily and Glyn, my movements are stiff at best as we walk into the Heathens’ mansion.
My sister and my friend have been here countless times, considering their boyfriends, but that’s not the case for me.
I remain in my element as we push past the partygoers. The Heathens went all out with this birthday party. Countless lights cover the ceiling, casting violet and blue lights on the people jumping to the trendy music.
Alcohol is thrown around everywhere and I would really like to be wasted for this, but that’s just cowardly, so I stop myself from snatching a drink.
I catch a glimpse of Maya, who’s wearing a glamorous white dress, dancing with a group of people in bizarre outfits. But I don’t see Mia.
A few weeks ago, Mia introduced me to Maya, and she’s nice, but I prefer Mia’s company. We’re both introverts and get along without talking much.
Glyn leads us to the second floor and we continue pushing our way through.
My chest aches when I catch a glimpse of Mia dressed in the black version of Maya’s dress and dancing between Killian and Nikolai. Though they seem to be kicking and punching each other.
I really don’t like it when Killian hits him. I know it’s their dynamic and they’ve been like that their entire lives, but he needs to stop putting his fucking hands on him or I’ll break them.
Good grief.
Where did that violent thought come from?
“Hey you.” Jeremy slides to our side, smoothly, if I might add, and kisses Cecily a bit longer than I’m comfortable with watching.
“Hi,” she breathes as he wraps an arm around the small of her back.
My gaze strays back to Nikolai of its own accord. He looks so damn well-built in a black T-shirt and jeans. A few rebellious strands escape his ponytail and fall on his forehead. His muscles ripple with every move and the intertwined tattoos running down his biceps and arms instantly distinguish him from the crowd.
I’ve always found him beautiful. No, not only beautiful. He’s categorically hot. It just took me some time to realize that I was becoming hopelessly attracted to everything about him. The fact that I haven’t been able to touch him for days on end is messing with my head.
My gaze studies him closer, taking in his sharp jawline, full lips, and—
I frown when I get a clear look at his face. His eyes are dark, almost bottomless, his mouth is set in a line, and he seems…off.
Like that time during the fight.
He must be having one of his episodes. Though I’m not sure what type of episode it is, he mentioned they come and go. I haven’t seen him in this state since that night of the fight. Only, now, he seems more closed off.
And I want to…what?
What the fuck do you think you can do when you’re broken yourself?
Killian notices us, or more like spots Glyn and stops dancing. Mia and Nikolai do, too. My friend smiles at me. Nikolai scowls.
My nape burns and my skin starts to feel black, inky, and foreign.
It’s been a week since I last saw him, and while I didn’t expect a welcoming ceremony, I also didn’t think he’d look this displeased.
Glyn hugs Mia and hands her a bag. “It’s small gifts from the three of us. Happy Birthday.”
“Thank you. You didn’t have to,” she signs, then grins at me and types on her phone before she shows me. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“You personally invited me. I wouldn’t miss it.” I smile, fighting the need to ogle her brother.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Nikolai shoves Mia behind him and gets in my face, his voice harsh, face closed off. If it weren’t for his familiar smell, though now mixed with cigarettes and alcohol, I’d think I was looking at a stranger.
Is this how he felt every time I pretended not to see him in public? Because it’s no different than having a fucking knife lodged between my ribs.
“Another elaborate plan from your brother? What is it this time? Arson? Assault? Murder, maybe?” The coldness behind his words leaves me speechless.
Nikolai never speaks to me in that tone. He never snaps at me.
And the fact that he’s done it twice now makes the grim possibility of losing him a terrifying reality.
But you know what? Fuck him.
Why the hell is he angry when he ghosted me for a whole week?
“Bran is my friend. I invited him to my birthday,” his sister signs, her movements smooth and determined.
“It’s okay, Mia,” I tell her and keep glaring at him. “I couldn’t care less about your brother’s opinion of me, but it’s probably better that I leave.”
She shakes her head frantically.
“Mia is right,” Jeremy says somewhere behind me. “You’re our guest.”
Killian clutches Nikolai’s shoulder. “If you can accept Glyn and Cecily, you’ll have to accept Bran, too. He has nothing to do with Lan, despite the creepy physical resemblance.”
“He’s right.” Glyn looks at me with an encouraging smile. “Bran is completely different from Lan. I promise.”
Jesus. She sounds like she’s selling me for some position.
Nikolai’s eyes never leave my face, and I can’t help staring back. While I don’t really like the anger, I like that he can’t look away from me.
It’s the least he can do after disappearing on me as if I’m nothing.
Mia jumps in front of him and signs, “Please don’t ruin my birthday.”
Nikolai flashes me one last glare before he releases a throaty sound and snatches his pack of cigarettes from the table.
My frown deepens. Things aren’t good if he’s smoking. He told me he’s a mood smoker and only resorts to them when the chaos in his head is too massive to contain.
I really need to get him alone, talk to him, and make sure everything is okay.
Just when I’m thinking about the best way to do that, the last person I need waltzes right in the middle of the scene like he owns the place.
Lan scans his surroundings and then flashes us a diabolical smirk. “What’s with the tense atmosphere? I thought this was a birthday. Also, did someone mention the word ‘ruin’?”