BRANDON
“It doesn’t even make sense.”
I nod along, although I have no clue what Cecily and Glyn are talking about. I agreed to meet them for afternoon tea out of habit and I regretted the decision almost immediately.
My head is a fucking mess and I’m barely functioning. I can’t muster the energy to put on a façade, let alone fake my smiles properly.
“Don’t you think so, Bran?”
I lift my head from my cup of tea and stare at Cecy. “Hmm?”
“About the fact that Ava is up to no good. She’s making a lot more trouble lately and keeps going to all these fights.”
“You know how she is,” I say, tracing the rim of my cup. “Just give her space and she’ll come around.”
Besides, judging by what I witnessed the other day when she ‘pretended’ to come see me, I’m exceptionally aware of what’s going on between her and my unruly eldest cousin. In fact, at this point, everyone but her knows what’s up. Her inability to submit to reality or at least acknowledge it is possibly why she’s been spiraling out of control. I tried advising her, but she’s too hotheaded to listen and prefers indulging in Lan’s plots of mayhem that target Eli.
My brother’s aim is entirely to egg Eli on and have fun, but she’s digging her own grave. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, I have no clue.
“I’m worried, though,” Cecily says with a frown.
“Me, too.” Glyn stuffs her face with a macaron and my chest twists into a knot.
I can’t help recalling the sweet-toothed monster who’s always stealing from any box of pastries I bring.
He hasn’t touched any lately, though.
My heart aches and I clear my throat, but it does nothing to alleviate the lump stuck in there.
It’s been a week since the day I had a breakdown and nearly splintered to pieces. But I didn’t, because Nikolai held me through it.
And he did it for a long time.
Until my knees went numb and I became lethargic. Until the cut stopped burning and itching and driving me fucking mental.
Then he made me lean on him and carried me out of the tub because I couldn’t stand upright. I was a pathetic mess, a shadow of a person, and the very fucking thing I was terrified he’d see.
I expected disgust or, worse, pity, but I couldn’t see any on his face.
He looked extremely focused as he dried me off, helped me put on some clothes, then let me sleep while strangling him.
The thought that he’d leave triggered a panic so deep, I was hyperventilating. I think I hurt him by how hard I clung to him, but he didn’t seem to mind. If anything, he held me tighter and kissed my eyelids, my nose, my cheek, the top of my head—anywhere he could reach.
That’s when I finally fell asleep.
He left me alone the day after, although I could tell he had a lot of questions.
But then I found out the reason he didn’t get in touch was because he was fighting my brother the following night.
I asked him not to. I begged him, even, but he went along with it anyway.
There’s something Nikolai doesn’t know that I’ve been keeping a secret—aside from my fucked-up state of mind. His sister Mia is in some sort of relationship with my brother.
When I found out about that, I tried to warn her away, but she was as hard-headed as her brother and wouldn’t listen. Lan is also acting uncharacteristically possessive of her, which he’s never done with his previous conquests.
So I hid that from Nikolai because I could tell he holds a massive grudge against Lan—rightfully so.
But even without that information, he still went on with the fight.
I had to stand there and watch Nikolai and Lan go at each other’s throats and nearly beat each other to death.
To say I was livid after that would be an understatement. Not only because Nikolai still went on with the fight despite me begging him not to, but also because of Lan.
He suspects something and he was positively murderous after the fight. He wouldn’t stop asking, “Why the fuck was Nikolai looking at you like that?”
While he didn’t specify what the ‘that’ was, I could see the accusatory look in his eyes and hear it in his tone.
Telling him anything is just a disaster waiting to happen, so I deflected, and it’s working for now.
That night, I naturally couldn’t go to the penthouse, because Lan was watching me like a fucking hawk. I was sure if I’d left, he would’ve followed me. No doubt about that.
So I texted Nikolai.
Me
Why on earth did you fight Landon? Now, he won’t stop pestering me and asking about why you kept looking at me.
Nikolai
And it’d be the end of the world to tell him the truth?
If I do, he’ll kill you.
Not if I kill him first.
He’s my twin brother, Nikolai. You can’t just talk about killing him and expect me to be okay with it.
But it’s okay if he attempts to kill me?
No, of course not. I’d much rather you stay away from each other.
Is that your way of saying you’ll never tell him about us?
That’s just a recipe for disaster. He’s not exactly your biggest fan.
The feeling is mutual. I hate the motherfucker.
Can’t you just ignore him? I’m sure he’ll ignore you, too.
Until the whole thing with Mia hopefully blows over.
Let me ask you. Do you ever plan on telling him about us?
I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.
How long do I have to wait? A month? A year? A decade? How long should I prepare to shove myself back into the closet with you?
I’m sorry.
Fuck you and your fucking brother.
That was the last text he sent me. Six days ago.
Six whole days.
I’ve waited for him in the penthouse, but he never shows up.
I’ve texted him a few times, but he’s never replied.
Every night, I hope he’ll come home. Every night, I sit on the sofa across from the lift until I fall asleep. Sometimes, I spend all-nighters obsessing and having to physically stop myself from bleeding my fucking wrist dry.
The fact that he ghosted me after I opened up to him, even partially, has been messing with my head in ways I don’t like to admit. Nikolai has always communicated with me. This is the first time he’s not being an open book and it’s fucking me up.
It’s not like I can go to his campus or house. Though Mia invited me to her birthday party tonight, so this is my only chance to see him.
“Bran!” Glyn waves in my face and I blink. “Where did you go?”
“Nowhere. I’m just a bit exhausted.”
“I get it.” She sighs. “Lan’s been shadowing you lately, hasn’t he?”
“Yeah.”
“That must be so annoying. What’s his plan now?”
“I don’t know.” Though I do know, but it doesn’t matter now that Nikolai isn’t in the picture anymore.
What if he really is done with me this time? What if he finally gave up after seeing that ugly side of me?
The thought sends a rush of nausea to my throat and I feel like I’ll throw up.
“Poor Bran is just existing, but psychos won’t leave him alone.” Cecily pats my hand, bringing me back from the edge.
“Psychos?” I frown. “Do you mean Eli? He doesn’t really bother me. He’s actually pretty content when he’s around me.”
“Not Eli. Nikolai.”
My heart thuds against my rib cage and I have to remind myself to breathe.
Jesus. How desperate could I be to get so flustered at the mere mention of his name?
“Nikolai?” I ask with the same nonchalance that I fake so well.
“Yeah, he was asking me about you the other day when Jeremy took me to the Heathens’ mansion. He calls you lotus flower.” Cecily winces. “It gave me the creeps to see him that interested in you.”
“Right!” Glyn snaps her fingers. “Whenever I go to visit Kill, Nikolai asks about my brothers and I thought it was because of how much he hates Lan’s guts, but he seems more interested in any tidbits about Bran. Did he always love art? When did he make his first painting? What does he like to do in his free time? What’s his favorite color? Movie? Parent? Jeez. It feels like a police interrogation.”
“What makes it creepy is how intense and insistent he gets. Jeremy said that’s how he is and if I don’t feel comfortable, I shouldn’t answer him, but still. Why do you think he does that?”
“If I didn’t know better, I would think he’s crushing on you, Bran.” Glyn giggles and bumps my shoulder with hers.
My body stiffens and I reach a hand to my nape, pulling at my hair until pain explodes not only in my scalp, but also deep in my soul.
“Bran?” Cecily watches me carefully. “Are you okay?”
“Not really,” I murmur, battling against being suffocated under the weight of my own admission.
I am not okay.
Have I ever been okay? I don’t remember the last time I was okay.
No. I do. It was when Nikolai hugged me to sleep. I was okay that night.
Fuck it. I’m falling apart anyway. Might as well do it spectacularly.
I let my hand fall to my side and face my sister. “You’re right. He’s crushing on me. Or he was.”
Her eyes double in size. “How do you know? Did he tell you?”
“You could say that. Actually, I’ve been with him for a while now.”
I regret my decision to just let it all out when Cecily spills her tea and Glyn looks at me as if I’m an alien.
And these two are supposed to be the least drama-free and understanding people in the group.
Bloody hell.
I tighten my grip on the teacup. “Are you going to say something or just continue to stare? Not that it’s uncomfortable or anything remotely similar.”
“Sorry…” Cecily dabs at the spots of tea on the table with a napkin. “I’m just making sure I heard you correctly. Did you just say you’ve been with Nikolai for a while? Like the way you were with Clara?”
“Don’t compare him to Clara. I couldn’t care less about her.” I’m losing myself because of him.
“Oh my God,” Glyn breathes out and cups her mouth, but that does nothing to hide her smile. “That day in the coffee shop when Kill said Nikolai is exclusive with someone, could that, by any chance, be you?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you, like, coming out to us, right now? What am I supposed to do? Can I hug you?”
“I’d rather not,” I say, feeling a bit lighter that she’s smiling. That’s good, right?
Cecily takes my hand in hers. “I’m so happy for you, Bran. I feel like a proud mama seeing you find someone you like.”
“Yes! I hated that bitch Clara,” Glyn agrees. “She was such an opportunist. You know, I didn’t want to tell you this, but that night we had a party in the Elites’ mansion, I saw her trying to kiss Lan and she was rubbing herself all over him. He threw her out and asked me not to tell you since it would just hurt your feelings. I despise her so much, I can’t even begin to express it.”
Lan never mentioned that. But then again, he never tells me anything.
And what do you tell him? You locked him out a long time ago.
“You…” I watch them closely. “Don’t think it’s weird that I like a guy after only dating girls all this time?”
“What does gender have to do with it?” Cecily strokes my hand. “I’m just happy you’re happy.”
“Me, too.” Glyn interlinks her arm with mine and leans her head on my shoulder. “Whoever you like doesn’t change who you are. You’ll always be the coolest older brother ever.”
“Best friend in the land of the living.” Cecily scoots her chair over and grabs my other arm.
“Thanks.” My voice catches and I clear my throat. “I’m lucky to have you both.”
Cecily smiles up at me. “So, how long have you been with Nikolai?”
“Yes!” Glyn rests her chin on my shoulder. “We need deets.”
“A couple of months.”
“Wow. You guys really kept it under wraps.” Cecily shakes her head. “I didn’t suspect anything.”
“I kept it under wraps. I am the one who didn’t want to say the words aloud.”
It’s not really about coming out. It’s about everything else I have to admit when I come out.
The reason why I didn’t want to believe how so not normal I am.
“You needed time. It makes sense,” Glyn says. “You were always with girls, so I never really suspected you were bi.”
“I don’t think I’m bi. I’m just gay.” The words flow from my mouth easier than I thought. “Asexual, too. Or I was. I think the right term is demisexual. I can only feel sexual desire toward someone I like.”
“I kind of suspected the ace part.” Cecily smiles. “You were never attracted to anyone, no matter how hot they were. You looked at animals with more affection than you looked at your girlfriends.”
“Animals aren’t gold diggers.” Glyn punches the air. “I want to beat those bitches for using you.”
They didn’t use me. I used them.But that’s not a conversation I’m willing to have.