On my way out of my room, I barge into Dad. I step back, my head lowering.
“Uh, Dad…. Sorry, I mean Father. I have to see Dan.”
“Can that wait for a bit?” He walks inside. “Besides, Daniel is with the council.”
“F-for what?”
“His school orientation,” Dad says. “He mentioned it to Sarah when he came by this morning and you didn’t want to see anyone. He said he’ll drop by later.”
“Oh, right. Okay.” I release a breath. I don’t know why I thought he was in danger.
Dad continues walking into my room as if he’s seeing it for the first time.
I swallow. “Is there something you want to talk about, Dad?” I wince. “Sorry, I mean, Father.”
“Dad is fine.” His eyes soften. “I’m sorry I made you call me something you didn’t relate to, Astrid.”
“O-Okay.” I don’t know why I feel more nervous now that Dad is allowing me to call him Dad.
It strangely feels like the last meal they offer to inmates before their death sentence.
Will he announce that he’s adopting Nicole now?
He settles on the edge of the bed. “Do you want to sit down?”
I realise I’m hugging the doorframe as if I’m looking for an escape. With a reluctant heart, I release the door and step towards my father.
I sit as far away from him as I can while still on the same bed.
My heart beats so loud, I can only hear the buzzing in my ears. It’s like that time when both my parents sat me down to tell me that Dad won’t visit us as often anymore.
I’m bracing myself for the bad news. No matter how many of them I got lately, it doesn’t get easy.
Before he can speak, I blurt out what I’ve been a coward to say all these weeks. “I’m sorry, Dad.”
“For what?”
“For saying what I said that day. I was angry. I didn’t mean that, you know, wanted you dead. I don’t. You’re my… dad. I just miss my mum and I wish I had both of you beside me.”
He releases a long sigh. “Me, too.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Jasmine and I decided to reunite officially right before her accident.” A sheen of sadness covers his gaze. “It remained as a dream after all.”
“Wait. You planned to divorce Victoria? But wasn’t she your wife since I was seven?”
“On papers, yes. She’s the perfect wife chosen by my parents, but she was never my wife. Your mother is the only woman I wanted to marry.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
“I did.” He scratches his forehead and clears his throat. “In Vegas.”
“Vegas? As in Las Vegas.”
“Yes. That’s the one.”
Whoa. I somehow can’t imagine my dad, Lord Henry Clifford, heir to the Clifford household and a member in the House of Lords, visiting Vegas let alone having a Vegas wedding.
“Mum never mentioned that.”
“But she told you, you weren’t illegitimate, didn’t she?”
“Yeah, she did.” Her version was that they registered their marriage secretly and that’s it.
“What is it?”
I shake my head, laughing awkwardly. “Sorry, I’m still wrapping my head around the Vegas part.”
“I wasn’t always so put together, you know. I was quite wild in my youth. How do you think I met your mother?”
“She always left that part vague. She mentioned something about a party?”
“I guess she can call it a party.” He shakes his head with a nostalgic smile. “That was probably her PG-13 version. My friends and I partied and gambled all night. In our drunken minds, we decided it was an epic idea to have skull tattoos. We went to this parlour down the road and Jasmine was there. She was… stunning. And I might have pushed my mates aside so she’d tattoo me. Only she made fun of my skull idea and how ‘unoriginal’ it was. So I gave her free reign to do anything as long as it can be hidden by clothes.” He pauses as if tasting his own words. “She looked out of her skin with joy. I’ve never seen someone look so happy before. Apparently, it was the first time someone gave her artistic freedom. She promised that I won’t be disappointed.”
I inch closer to him. “And what did she do?”
I didn’t realise Dad had a tattoo. Or maybe I did from when he lived with us and forgot about it.
He stands up and unbuttons his shirt. “I’ll show you instead.”
My jaw would’ve dropped to the floor if it weren’t attached to my mouth.
A black and red phoenix tattoo covers the middle half of Dad’s back in a 3D style sketch. Its tendrils resemble flames.
“Wow.”
I’ve seen so many of Mum’s work, but this is her most passionate one. I strive to sketch like her one day.
“That’s not all.” He rolls his sleeves to show me small tattoos in a vertical line along his forearm. A sun. A moon. A star. The sun on Dad’s arm is black.
“Like mine…” I show him my tattoo at the same place as his. Only in mine, the star is coloured black.
And in Mum’s tattoo, the moon is in black. I chuckle. “She got us matching tattoos.”
“I was against it since you were only fifteen, but I’m glad she did it anyway.” Dad smiles as he buttons his shirt and sits beside me again.
“How long did she take to do the phoenix?”
“About a week. We talked so much during that time. It was the first time, someone had genuine interest in me and not in my family name. So afterwards, I hid my real identity from her. We stayed together for months before I took her to Vegas.”
“How did Mum find out about who you are?”
“The horrible way. My parents got involved and it wasn’t pretty. People like me aren’t supposed to be with people like Jasmine. Even though I knew that, I couldn’t lose her. Especially when she was pregnant with you.”
I continue itching closer until there’s no space left between us. “What did you do?”
“I struck a deal with my father. The marriage will remain under radar and so will you and Jasmine. If I refused, they would’ve done it the harsh way and it would’ve hurt Jasmine.” He stops meeting my eyes with his identical ones. “Those seven years I spent with you two were the happiest times of my life, Star.”
A sob catches at the back of my throat. “Then why did you leave? Why did you end up marrying Victoria and tossing me and Mum aside?”
“Your mum did the tossing, actually. Now, I realise it must’ve been a ploy from either my father or Victoria or her parents. Or all of them. I had to leave. I’m the only heir to my family and I knew if I didn’t obey, my parents would’ve buried you and Jasmine until I could never find you.”
“Bad things for greater good.”
“No, Astrid. No.” He holds my shoulders. “There was no greater good about leaving you and your mother. There hasn’t been a day that I didn’t regret it. But every time I went back, Jasmine pushed me out. She allowed me to see you sometimes, but she cut me off from your lives saying you two didn’t fit into my world. Her constant rejections were my punishment.”
“You really planned to reunite with Mum?”
“Yes. After my father’s death, I was done with the masquerade. I finally convinced Jasmine to give me another chance and she agreed.” His face turns rigid. “But it never happened.”
“She was really happy that night, Dad.” I smile, fighting the pressure at the back of my throat. “I’m the one who threw a tantrum.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know.” He pauses. “Astrid, this period will be hard for the family. I need you to be strong. Can you do that for me?”
I nod slowly, my voice catching. “What will happen?”
“Some people will pay.” His demeanour hardens.
We remain silent for long seconds until it almost becomes awkward.
“Can I tell you something, Dad?”
“Anything.”
I gather all my courage and blurt, “I don’t want to go to Imperial College. I want to study art like my mum.”
“All right.”
“All… right?” My mouth hangs open.
“Of course. I won’t make you study something you dislike. Besides, you have too much talent to waste.”
I don’t know which part should surprise me the most. The fact that Dad saw my sketches or that he’s letting me study art.
“Thank you,” I murmur, my voice catching in my throat. “All this time, I thought… I thought you hated me.”
“Oh, come here, Astrid.” He opens his arms and I dive into them, wrapping my hands around his waist. A sob tears from my throat and I can’t help the tears.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.” He strokes my hair back. “I was scared I’d lose you, too, so I was stern. Now I realise that’s not what you needed.”
“I just… I just miss Mum so much and you’re the only one who reminds me of her.”
“I miss her, too.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry I couldn’t grieve properly with you. I wanted you to move on with your life, but that was wrong, too. You needed to grieve properly first. I promise to learn from my mistakes and be a better father for you.”
I look up at him through blurry eyes. “You won’t throw me away and adopt Nicole?”
He laughs. “That nonsense was never on the table. You’re the only daughter I have. Nicole will leave after her mother is sent away.”
“What do you mean by sent away?”
Dad opens his mouth to speak when the door barges open. Victoria walks inside with Grandpa’s antique shotgun pointed towards us.
“No one will send me away.”