Growl
I paced the corridor in front of Cara’s room. I wasn’t sure why I was waiting for her to show up. What was there left to talk about?
The moment she’d left for New York without me I’d known that this meant the end for us. The realization had been like a punch in the gut, the realization that she wouldn’t stay with me, a monster. No one would. She’d seemed to enjoy my company in the end, enjoyed my closeness and my touch but I didn’t fool myself.
Her affection for me had been born out of necessity. She’d had no choice. She couldn’t get away from me. She had sought my closeness because she was relieved it wasn’t brutality that I showed her. But now everything had changed.
In New York, Cara would be free to do as she pleased. No one was stopping her. I knew enough of Luca to know that the man wouldn’t support me in keeping Cara. And though it had taken a while for me to realize it, I didn’t want to have Cara as a possession. I wanted her to want to be with me. I knew that meant I’d lose her altogether. She’d live her life without me. She’d find a new guy, a nice guy, someone who hadn’t caused her so many nightmares. Maybe Luca already had a husband in mind for her, a Made Man with good standing and upbringing.
It was difficult for me to understand emotions, and that would never change. But her expression made it clear even to me that she didn’t want me. Perhaps she’d pretended to tolerate me for her own sake; because she wanted me to help her revenge her father and kill Falcone. I couldn’t really blame her.
I often wished I’d never had her in the first place because it was easier to live without something you’ve never had. I hadn’t known what I was missing, but now it was difficult giving it up.
I had grown used to Cara’s presence. I’d always taken myself for a loner. Had thought I didn’t want other people around me. I’d enjoyed being alone, with only my dogs for company. My life had been mine alone. It had been uneventful and driven by habits but it had been safe. Now that I’d experienced living with someone, living with Cara, I had a hard time imagining being alone again.
I would get by. I always had. I’d work twice as hard, would put all my energy into making Luca trust and value me. I’d make a name for myself here in New York and eventually I’d forget about Cara and return to the life I’d had before.
Steps sounded and I looked up. The moment Cara turned the corner, I realized I was fooling myself if I believed I could ever forget her.
Cara
I froze when I spotted Growl in front of my room. Bandit and Coco lay curled up at his feet as if they’d all been waiting for a while.
I approached him slowly, trying to get a grip on my emotions. Coco wagged her tail when I stopped in front of them.
Growl pushed his hands into his pockets, face blank and his body tense as a bowstring. “There’s no reason for you to stay with me. You are free now. Even if I could force you to stay with me, I won’t. You are free to choose your own life.”
The words I’d been longing to hear from the moment Falcone had given me to Growl suddenly stung. “So what is it you’re saying? Would you prefer if I left you?” How could I leave him when we hadn’t been a couple in the first place?
“That’s the last thing I want,” he said fiercely. He pulled his hands out, restless, almost as if he wanted to grab me and shake some sense into me but he didn’t touch me.
“Then what do you want?” I shot back, growing frustrated. Maybe I should have accepted Growl’s words and left.
Mother would have preferred that, and it would have been the right choice morally. Yet I stayed.
Growl had monstrous parts, and that wouldn’t change. Years of abuse had burned those into him, and if I chose to stay with him, I’d have to live with it. Perhaps in New York, Luca would find better ways to channel Growl’s talents into less horrendous tasks, but I wasn’t fooling myself into believing that killing wouldn’t still be a big part of Growl’s life. That was something I’d have to accept. To stay with someone only because one hoped to change that person was an endeavor that had to fail.
Growl’s eyes flickered with emotions, too many, and more than I’d ever seen in them. “I want,” he began, then stopped and growled. He shook his head and turned his face away so I was left to stare at his profile.
“You once told me I needed to be brave. Who’s a coward now?” I challenged.
Growl whirled on me, grabbed me by the shoulders and pressed me against the wall. “I want you. I want you to stay with me because you want to stay. I want you to want me,” he rasped.
I exhaled. “I do.”
Growl released me. “Do what?”
“Want you. Want to stay with you.”
Growl stared. “I…I think.” He ran a hand down his face. “I’m no good with words. With emotions. You know that.”
“But you could be. Perhaps you just need to try,” I said softly.
His eyes filled with resolve. “Not much scares me anymore,” he rumbled. “But this, between us, it does. My emotions, they scare me.”
“But why?”
“I gave up hoping for something good a long time ago. It made things easier. Nothing could hurt me. Pain is nothing. People’s insults mean nothing. I cared about nothing. There was nothing I had to fear. But when I got you, I suddenly realized what kind of life I’d led. How little everything had meant. I like being with you, talking to you, sharing meals with you, walking Coco and Bandit with you, and even sharing a bed with you. I never thought I could like that kind of thing, never thought that I might need something like that, but now…” He trailed off, the uncertainty back. “Now I’m fucking scared to lose all that, to lose you. I never knew I needed you but now I can’t imagine being without you. I…I love you, Cara.”
I let out a shuddering breath. I’d never expected those words from Growl. Not even close. I touched his heart and cheek. “And I love you, Growl.”
Aria had been right. I needed to make a choice. And I chose love. Mother would come to accept that. After all, she’d once given up everything to follow love.
“Ryan,” he growled. The name sounded wrong coming from his lips, like they weren’t used to forming those letters anymore.
“Ryan?”
“That’s my real name.”
“Oh,” I whispered, overwhelmed by the situation. “That’s a beautiful name.”
He smiled tentatively. It still surprised me how it changed his edgy face. He leaned down and kissed me, then pulled back a few inches.
“I want New York to be a new beginning for me and you, if you want that too. And I want to be known as Ryan in this new life.”
“And I want a new beginning with you, Ryan,” I said. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly.
“I don’t deserve you,” he murmured against my hair. “But I will.”