My cries were swallowed by his forceful kiss. His movements slowed but he kept kissing me. When he finally drew back, I was flushed and breathless. My legs dropped from his waist, heavy and limp. He pushed himself off me, leaving me no choice but to lower my arms from his back. He picked up his pants off the ground before he left without another word. The soft click of the door made me wince. I stared into the darkness. I could still feel him inside of me, was still throbbing with the remnants of my orgasm, but my chest felt empty.
I was too agitated to sleep and so I got up eventually. For some reason I needed to be close to Growl now.
It was silent inside the house when I stepped into the corridor. My slow breath felt like an intruder of the quiet. I headed toward Growl’s bedroom but the door was open and he wasn’t inside.
Where was he? I crept through the darkness when my eyes registered a dim light spilling into the house from the backyard. I tried to move soundlessly as I approached the terrace door. Growl sat at the small shabby table. A half-burnt-down candle on a saucer hardly broke through the night but managed to cast eerie shadows across his face. The dogs were stretched out at his feet as usual. They didn’t react. Either they hadn’t noticed me, which didn’t really qualify them as guard dogs, or they’d deemed me too uninteresting for a reaction. Growl looked lonely. In the short time I knew him I’d learned to read his expressions better, but I still didn’t understand him.
He sought out my closeness, was trying to treat me right, even though he’d never learned how. Had anyone ever treated him right? Except for his mother perhaps. I considered returning to my bedroom but something kept me rooted to the spot.
“I know you’re there,” Growl said quietly.
I walked outside hesitantly. The cold bit at my skin, especially where Growl’s mouth had wetted my nightgown. He looked tired. “You should be sleeping,” he said.
“You too.”
“I can’t,” he admitted.
“Me neither.”
We looked at each other. “Can I stay?”
Growl nodded. I took a step toward the free chair, then changed my mind and headed for Growl. His brows crinkled as he watched me. I crawled on his lap and put my head down on his shoulder. He smelled of sex, of us. He let out a low breath but didn’t do anything else.
He was warm and strong. I drew in his scent that lingered beneath the sex. It didn’t take long before my eyes felt heavy. When I was almost asleep, I felt Growl’s fingers glide over my hair. Up and down. And then I drifted off.
I was back in my bed when I woke the next morning, and Growl was back to being his usual distant self when I entered the kitchen and grabbed the cup of coffee waiting for me.
“I will show you where they buried your father,” Growl said without warning.
I froze. My throat tightened with emotions and most of my anger drained out of me. “You will?” My voice was shaky.
Growl nodded, eyes almost kind. “You should get the chance to say goodbye. If it’ll make things easier.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true, if it would make things easier, but I was grateful anyway. His acts of kindness still surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to make of the man in front of me. “Did you get the chance to say goodbye to your mother?”
Growl’s expression became even more guarded. “I saw her die, and that’s when I said goodbye. After that, they cut my throat, and I had to fight for my life.”
I flushed. Of course. He’d been a small boy who’d suffered horribly. It was hard to imagine Growl as anything but the powerful and cruel man in front of me. That he had once been an innocent boy was easy to forget.
I changed the subject. “When will you show me?”
“As soon as you’re done with your coffee.” He emptied his own cup and set it back down on the counter. I took two long swallows that burned my tongue and throat, then nodded. “I’m ready.”
We drove for a long time until the flashy lights and crowded streets of Las Vegas lay far behind us. The landscape got rougher, and fewer and fewer signs of civilization were visible. Rocks rose up beside the street, glowing red and orange in the afternoon sun. The Valley of Fire. I’d only driven through it once before and that had been in the evening when the power of the colors had been dimmed by the impending darkness.
Despite having lived in Las Vegas all my life, I’d seldom explored its surroundings. My family had never been the kind to do road trips. Our vacations had been to Aspen, Mexico or the Bahamas. My chest tightened sharply at the memories of our last ski trip to Aspen last February. Even Father had allowed himself enough free time to ski with us, and in the evening we’d all gathered in front of the roaring fire in our ski lodge.
Suddenly, I couldn’t appreciate the sparse landscape anymore. This road trip was one of goodbye. I’d never spent a vacation with my whole family again, never see my father struggle to keep the fire burning in the fire place, letting out curses while mother reprimanded him for it. I wasn’t even sure if I’d ever see my sister again, and if something happened to her, neither Mother nor I would be able to live with it.
I had to force myself to keep breathing, despite the tightness of my throat. Growl peered at me but I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him. My emotions were a whirlwind, I could hardly understand. I doubted he’d be able to and I worried that he’d try to talk me out of visiting my father’s grave after all.
Eventually he pulled the car off the asphalted street and drove along a dirt road. Our wheels swirled up red dust that settled in a thick layer on the windows. Growl tried to get the dust off the windows with the windshield wipers, but in vain. The vibration of the car as we drove over bumps and smaller rocks made me feel sick, and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t so sure if this was a good idea, but now it was too late to turn back without having to explain myself to Growl. I didn’t want to appear weak.
The car came to a halt and I looked outside. We were in the middle of nowhere. There wasn’t even a dirt road anymore. There was absolutely nothing.
“It’s here,” Growl said as he pointed at a place beyond the windshield. He looked at me as if he was waiting for some kind of response, but there were no words in me at the moment. I nodded merely to show him I’d understood. He opened the door and got out. I took a deep breath and pressed my flat palm against my stomach, hoping to calm myself. No chance.
I got out of the car and the dry air clogged my throat. Desert. No green. No sogn of beauty or life. How could anything survive out here? My eyes searched the horizon for any sign of civilization but we were the only people around.
“Come. I don’t want to stand around all day.”
He stalked off, not even checking if I was following. Of course he didn’t have to be worried that I’d run away. There was nowhere to run out here. I’d die of dehydration before I found another person. I realized then that he had been less cautious in general around me recently. He began to trust me.
As I followed Growl through the sand, another thought suddenly struck me. What if Growl had grown tired of me and decided to dispose of me out in the desert? Perhaps I’d asked too many question, gotten too close for comfort? I wouldn’t survive long out here if he abandoned me. He didn’t even need to kill me, the desert would.
I shook my head. My imagination was running wild. Growl had no reason to get rid of me. He enjoyed my company, even if he tried to hide the fact.
Growl led me to a spot surrounded by a few dried bushes. There was no hint of a grave. “He’s there.” He pointed at the dusty ground.
I crouched beside the spot and lay my palm flat against the sand. My eyes prickled but I didn’t cry. “I really thought you fed him to the dogs.”
Growl frowned. “That’s not how you should treat the dead.”
I let out a laugh. “Really? You don’t mind killing and hurting people, but you care about their corpses.”
“Death was their punishment. There’s no sense in defiling their bodies.”
“I know Falcone’s done it before. Father told Mother about it, and she even asked me about it when I visited her. I even heard rumors that he fed bodies to his fight dogs, and made the families watch.”
Growl shrugged. “I don’t always agree with what Falcone does.”
That was at least something, I supposed, even if it was obvious that he didn’t really care. “Have you ever seen him do something like that?”
Growl nodded. “Once. But the family didn’t have to watch. Falcone knows I don’t care for useless violence so he usually doesn’t ask me to stay to watch.”
I lowered my eyes back to the ground. It was hard to imagine that my father was below me. Father had known the risks of his job, had earned a lot of money with it, and had probably been responsible for several people’s demise, but he hadn’t deserved this. I wished he were here, so I could have one last long talk with him. I couldn’t remember when we had our last conversation. Too long ago. “When you came to our house, did you think you were supposed to kill my father?” I wasn’t sure why it mattered. I knew Growl was a killer and that he wouldn’t have hesitated pulling the trigger.
“Falcone hadn’t told us who was going to kill your father.”
“But you knew that he wanted him dead?” I raised my eyes to meet his.
He gave me a confused look. He wasn’t sure why I was asking those questions. “Your father betrayed Falcone. Death is the punishment for that.”
I sighed and rose to my feet, dusting off my pants that were covered in a fine layer of red sand.
“Do you ever go to your mother’s grave?” I asked.
“No,” he said. There was no emotion in his voice. “It’s just her body down there. And I don’t even remember her much. I prefer not to stay in the past.”
That was probably a necessity considering the many dark aspects of his life. “And yet to some degree you do.”
More confusion filled Growl’s face. “What do you mean?”
“You let the past determine who you are now, and you’re bound to a man who made you who you are today. There’s so much past in your life.”
Growl considered that. He really looked as if my words were getting through to him.
I risked the next step. “Don’t you want revenge? Have you never dreamed of killing him? Of hurting him for what he’s done to you? You could end it all. Free yourself of your past once and for all.”
Growl shook his head. “I told you, what he’s done to me made me who I am. I would not be here without him. I would not be here with you without him. He gave me you and that’s more than I ever hoped for.”
For a moment I could not breathe, could not move, could do nothing but stare and try to come to terms with what Growl had just said. How could so few words mean so much to me? How could something that man, that monster said, mean anything at all? It seemed impossible, even now.
He took a step closer and brushed a strand from my face before he took my hand in his. It wasn’t a romantic gesture, more like he needed to convince himself of something, needed to make it tangible to comprehend. “But him giving you to me wasn’t kindness,” he said. “Nothing like that. It was cruel and degrading. He wanted to punish you and he knew I was the kind of punishment that would break you.” He turned my hand over, revealing my pale wrist and forearm. “Just look at your skin. Unblemished. Clean. Perfect. And look at me.” He released me and held out his arms, covered in tattoos and scars, tanned and muscled. His life showed on his body.
I didn’t know what to say. Self-loathing seeped from every pore of his body, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I wasn’t perfect as he made me out to be.
“Falcone hoped I’d do to you what he did to me. Turn you into something gruesome. Break you apart,” Growl rasped, eyes fierce and wild.
I grabbed his hand firmly. “You didn’t break me,” I said stubbornly. But I wasn’t sure it was true. I wasn’t the person I used to be. Some part of me had been broken, not through violence by his hands and yet, I had changed all the same.
“Stop hating yourself,” I said angrily. “You aren’t helpless. You are perhaps the only person who can do something against Falcone. If you feel so bad about why Falcone gave me to you, then help me. You always say that you are lost, that you can’t redeem yourself. But that’s not true. You could make up for your sins by helping me and my family.”
Growl curled his fingers over my hand. “By exacting revenge,” he said curiously.
I hesitated. “Yes.” Was I being a hypocrite for suggesting something like that? “Falcone deserves death. We’ll never be free with him around. Not just because he can tell us what to do but because he controls our past, he shaped it, shaped us irrevocably.”
“You can’t ask that of me.” Growl backed away, dropping my hand. “Don’t ask me again. I can’t help you. I won’t.”
My heart sank. For a moment, he’d actually considered saying yes. I’d seen it in his face. Should I keep trying even though he told me not to? Or should I accept what obviously couldn’t be changed and hope everything would turn out okay for my mother and sister anyway?
I couldn’t say anymore.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Cara
Growl pulled away from me in the days after our visit to the grave. I let him. I wasn’t sure what to do.
He hadn’t even visited me in my bedroom and I was starting to miss it, miss him.
Lying awake in my bed, I listened for every sound outside. Growl had left without an explanation after dark again, and I was terrified in this creepy neighborhood all by myself at night.
Eventually, when every creak made me jump, I got out of bed. I crept out of the room and paused in the dark corridor, listening for the sound of claws on the floor but there was nothing. Perhaps Growl had let the dogs sleep in his bedroom. I headed toward it but behind the door I didn’t hear a sound. I tiptoed into the living room. It was dark in there as well. Only the dim moonlight streaming through the windows allowed my eyes to make out anything at all. Outside I could hear the occasional shouting or a siren in the distance, sounds that seemed to fill all the nights in this area. I wasn’t sure why Growl chose to live here. How could he bear it? Or maybe the hopelessness and brutality that filled so many of the houses in the street were something familiar to him, something he could grasp.
A movement in the corner made me tense. Then my eyes made out Coco’s head, and beside her that of Bandit. The dogs were watching me but they didn’t stir from their sleeping spots. I didn’t want to return into my bedroom. I was so tired of feeling alone all the time, of being alone with my thoughts and fears and worries. I walked to the sofa and sank down. Coco rose from her blanket and trotted toward me. I wasn’t exactly scared of the dogs anymore but sometimes they still made me nervous, especially Bandit. I couldn’t read their movements very well, since my family had never had pets. But right now Coco didn’t seem in a bad mood. She stopped next to my legs and put her big head down on my knee, peering up at me expectantly. I raised my hand carefully, not wanting to startle her, and held it in front of her nose, so she could sniff it like Growl had showed me in the beginning.
Coco didn’t though, instead she licked my hand. Her tongue was warm and rough but not disgusting at all. Although the idea of all the places that tongue had been before wasn’t comforting, the dog’s warm breath on my skin and that obvious sign of tenderness brought tears to my eyes. I gently ran my hand over her soft ears and head, and she let out a deep breath. I couldn’t help but smile. I stretched out on the sofa and patted the spot beside me. Coco didn’t hesitate. She jumped up and lay down beside me, her muscled body pressed up against me. I stroked the length of her back, relishing in the feeling of her warm body beside me. The sound of claws on wood made me raise my head, in time to see Bandit leap off the ground and land on the sofa at my feet where he curled up, his back pressed against the curve of my knees. I knew I’d be safe with them, and the scary noises from outside stopped bothering me.
With their bodies warming me, sleep quickly fell over me.
* * *
I wasn’t sure what woke me but when I opened my eyes, the sun had only just risen outside. Coco and Bandit were still snuggled up to me; that was probably the reason why I wasn’t cold, even though I didn’t have a blanket.
I had slept without nightmares, something that hadn’t happened in a while. Coco lifted her head to look at something behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and found Growl leaning in the doorframe, watching me, and the dogs. “They usually don’t warm up to people easily. They must really like you for them to sleep at your side like that.”
I sat up, which wasn’t easy as Coco and Bandit were pressed up so closely to me. Both dogs gave me what I could only call reproachful looks because I disturbed their sleep, but finally my bare feet hit the ground and I was sitting upright. “Maybe they were lonely.”
“Why would they be? They aren’t alone. They have each other and I don’t leave them alone very often.”
“Just because someone isn’t alone doesn’t mean they aren’t lonely,” I said quietly.
Growl searched my face. “Are you lonely?” The intensity of his gaze made me want to hide. Instead I lowered my gaze to Coco and scratched her behind the ears. I heard Growl come up behind me. His hand brushed my shoulder, then throat. “Sometimes,” I admitted. “This house isn’t a place where it’s easy to feel at home.”
His fingertips traced my collarbone and the touch raised goose bumps on my skin. He didn’t say anything, neither did I. Slowly his hand slid under my nightgown until his fingertips brushed my nipple. I shivered at the tingle that shot through my body.
His hand cupped my breast and squeezed lightly. A small moan slid out of my mouth. Growl made a movement with his other hand and both dogs jumped off the sofa. Growl’s other hand joined his first and cupped my other breast. He twirled my nipples between his fingertips lightly, gently, and I trembled under the soft ministrations. He tugged a bit harder and pain mixed with lust. My legs parted as the pressure and heat between them became close to unbearable. I wanted him to touch me there, wanted him to elevate my need. This was the extent of closeness he allowed and I had to contend with it.
He leaned down, caging me in between his muscled arms and let one hand glide down over my stomach and through my trimmed curls. I shivered again and parted my legs a bit wider. After days without his touch, my body was practically thirsting for it. His fingers brushed over my clit as they slid lower.
Growl plunged a finger into my tight center, making me cry out. He twisted my nipple again and I moaned loudly. My head fell back and landed on his shoulder, my gaze finding his. His lips were parted as he breathed heavily. I was already so wet, and as Growl tugged my nipples in rhythm with his finger pushing into me, I almost came apart. I fought my orgasm. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making me come within a minute of him starting to touch me. I didn’t want this to be over, didn’t want him to pull back again.