CHAPTER TWELVE
Growl
Iknew she’d been watching me from her room. I’d seen her in the window. This was eating away at my control. I couldn’t think about anything but her body anymore, about her taste—mouth and pussy.
I returned into the house after an hour-long intense workout, but I still didn’t feel like this had calmed me down. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a towel to wipe my sweat off.
A sound caught my attention. I walked closer to Cara’s room. The noise was coming from inside. It sounded like she was moaning.
I lowered the towel slowly, my groin tightening. I moved closer and put his ear to the door. Again, a moan, low and drawn out. I closed my eyes. She was touching herself because of me. I had no doubt about it.
Fuck. I could feel myself hardening at the mere idea of what was going on behind that closed door.
Why was I even still standing here? I grabbed the handle and pushed the door open. I made sure to be as quiet as possible. I didn’t want her to notice me at once. I peered inside, and couldn’t believe my eyes. She wasn’t even awake. Her eyes were closed and her breathing too low. I stepped inside as I watched one of her hands move between her legs.
Her lips were slightly parted and another moan slipped out. I dropped the towel and approached the bed. Fuck, I wasn’t a good man, not even a decent one, and she was making this damn hard for me. I could practically smell her arousal, or my mind was already starting to trick me.
I perched on the bed, careful not to wake her. But I needn’t have worried. She was lost in her dream. She writhed then parted her legs under the blanket. I stifled a groan at the sight. I took the edge of the blanket and slowly pulled it down to her knees. She was wearing a nightgown that had slipped up to her hips, laying her pussy bare to me. I drew in a deep breath as I watched one of her slender fingers slide over her lower lips slowly.
It was the first time I saw her pussy. She wasn’t clean shaven like the whores I’d had in the past. She trimmed herself, but soft brown hair covered her mount. My cock was so hard, I was surprised I hadn’t exploded yet. Perhaps this would be the first time I would come in my pants. She mewled again, needy, but her own touch didn’t seem to get her where she wanted to go. I could tell that her touch wasn’t practiced. Damn it. I was tired of resisting when it was so obvious that she wanted me as much as I wanted her.
I leaned over her, letting her heady scent flood my nose. I took a long lick over her swollen pussy lips, and her taste was so sweet, it drove me completely crazy. She shuddered and moaned loudly. I couldn’t take anymore. I pushed her hand away and slipped my tongue between her folds. I licked her tight hole, lapping up her juices, and slowly traveled up to the small nub at the top. She moaned and then tensed. She was awake, but I was determined not to let her mind get the better of her. I drew her clit into my mouth, and sucked in a gentle rhythm. My tongue nudged her clit as I suckled, and she quivered.
She inhaled sharply. The tension in her body remained but she didn’t push me away or say anything. She was conflicted I could tell. I used all my skills to convince her. I let her clit slide out of between my lips and started drawing soft circles with my tongue before I licked my way back down to her tight channel again. I dipped in. She was slick with arousal. Hot and willing.
“We can’t do this,” she said shakily, but there was hardly any conviction in her voice, and that was all I needed. I licked her harder, dipped my tongue into her, then suckled her clit again. She cried out, and like that she came already, flooding my mouth with her sweetness. I didn’t stop. This had only been the first battle. I kept licking then fucked her with my tongue again. I didn’t give her time to recover. I slipped a finger into her. She was so wet, I was met with barely any resistance.
My cock was almost raw from rubbing against my pants, but I needed more time for her. I needed to prepare her for what was to come. This time there was no stopping.
Cara
I could hardly breathe. My body was burning up, my pulse speeding. Everything felt so incredibly intense. Growl was practically buried in my lap, licking and kissing and sucking. I was so close to my second orgasm. His hand snaked under my nightgown and up to my breast. His fingers closed around my nipple and twisted, and like that another wave crashed over me, even harder than before. What was happening? I couldn’t grasp a clear thought.
I hardly noticed him getting out of his clothes and only realized what was going to happen when he crouched over me. I wasn’t ready for this, would never be. I needed to stop him, needed to end this before everything was too late.
He climbed between my legs, parting them. His eyes held mine. I couldn’t move, couldn’t say or do anything. I’d feared this moment when Falcone had gifted me to Growl and now it was happening, but so different from how I’d imagined it.
And then he started pushing into me, and I clung to him tightly, my fingers gouging the inked skin of his upper arms. He was tearing me apart. He didn’t slow, didn’t stop. But he watched my face. Laid me bare with his gaze in so many ways. Wasn’t it enough that I was lying naked beneath him? Did he have to strip away the wards over my soul, did he have to make me feel even more vulnerable than I already had? I gasped. It hurt. In so many ways. Was this how losing yourself felt?
My body yielded, and yet I was tearing apart. Not physically, even though I wished my inner tumult would manifest in a physical way. Pain wasn’t enough. Not this pain, not when it mingled with hints of pleasure. I wanted to lower my eyelids, wanted to black out the world around and the man above me but I kept my eyes open, kept looking up into that striking face of my captor, my owner, and now lover. Hatred should have been at the forefront of my mind, but it wasn’t. It was still there, still strong, but it was battling with other emotions. Emotions I didn’t want to feel. Compassion and understanding. Gratefulness for his almost kindness and even hints of pity.
With every thrust, Growl seemed to rip a piece of me away. I wasn’t just losing my innocence, I seemed to be losing parts of myself.
Then stop him. Do it, as long as there’s still something left of you. My nails buried deeper into Growl’s arms and he grunted, eyes flashing with pleasure. He was enjoying it. And in turn my own body hummed with delight. He never slowed, never took his eyes off me. His muscled chest glistened with sweat. Pain gave way to something warmer, something that thrilled through my body more than any sting could. I drew my fingers up to Growl’s shoulders, scratching, leaving a red path in my way, and relishing in it, and in the droplets of blood that dotted the spot where I’d clung to him.
Growl began shaking, head falling forward, and he let out a groan before he dropped to the mattress beside me.
Red half-moon shaped marks littered his arms, proof of what had happened. Not proof of a struggle, of resistance, of a fight. Not proof of what should have been. I couldn’t draw consolation from those marks. They weren’t signs of my unwillingness, of a brave struggle against Growl’s taking of me. No, I’d let him conquer me, had relished it even. What was wrong with me? How could I have let it happen?
I could only imagine what Trish and Anastasia would say if they saw me now. They’d be shocked and disgusted, and they would talk about it for days. But they didn’t matter, not anymore.
Mother and Talia did, and they would judge me just as well if they knew. How could they not? How could anyone not condemn me for what I’d allowed Growl to do?
‘Was this how losing myself feels?’. That question still ghosted around my brain, but now another question had been added to the mix, a question that scared me even more. ‘How could you lose yourself if you never had the chance to find yourself?’. I pushed the thought away, banished the myriad of thoughts crowding in my brain. I couldn’t take them anymore. Growl lay panting next to me. His face looked relaxed, blank, more so than ever before, as if through the carnal act of sex he’d managed to free himself, managed to banish whatever demons haunted him.
This wouldn’t be the last time. And I wasn’t horrified by the idea. Despite the soreness, and even pain that throbbed between my legs, I wanted it again. I allowed myself that moment of realization. The damage was done. I had nothing more to lose.
Growl sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. I jerked into a sitting position as well. Was he already leaving after what we’d done?
Growl peered at me over his shoulder, and now his gaze on my naked skin didn’t make my body hum with delight and triumph. I drew the blankets up over my chest, clinging to the crisp fabric like I’d clung to Growl’s strong arms mere minutes before. I didn’t voice my questions, didn’t want to sound desperate and needy, especially when he was the last person I should need.
For a moment, we both seemed to be frozen but then I averted my eyes under the power of my own shame, and Growl rose to his feet. From the corner of my eye, I watched him gather his clothes from the ground but he didn’t bother getting dressed. Instead he walked out and began to close the door but stopped. “There’s something for the pain in the bathroom.” He paused and I waited for him to say something else but he just closed the door. I waited for his steps to fade away before I freed myself of the blankets and quickly slid out of bed. I couldn’t bear being in it now. It was clammy with our sweat, and it smelled of sex. I stared down at the white of the sheets. At the sight of the small pink spot I let out a shaky breath. Betrayal came in so many shapes and forms. Sometimes it was a purposeful act, and sometimes it was something you let happen.
Growl
I took several long swigs of cold water. Even now my body seemed to boil with lust. My orgasm hadn’t diminished my desire for Cara one bit. Not because the sex hadn’t been satisfying, though that was true, too. I’d had stronger orgasms, had had better sex, but whatever had happened between me and Cara had been the most intense thing I’d ever experienced. It didn’t even make sense.
She wasn’t someone that could sate my hunger, and she wasn’t someone I’d have usually chosen to satisfy my desire, and yet right in this fucking second I couldn’t imagine being with any other woman. I wanted Cara, wanted to see if I could draw her out of her shell, make her more forward and demanding. I wanted to release her hunger. She tried to hide it but tonight I’d caught glimpses of it and I wanted more.
Before Cara, I’d been satisfied with what I had, with the cards I’d been dealt, but she made me want more and that wasn’t exactly safe in this world.
What was she doing to me?
Cara’s door opened and closed. Quietly. She didn’t want me to hear as so often when she crept through the house. But if my life had taught me anything, it was vigilance. There wasn’t a sound that got past my hearing. Her steps were careful and then they stopped and another door opened and closed. I took another gulp of water and was about to put it back into the fridge and go to bed, but then the shower sprang to life. She was taking a shower. I never showered right after sex. I liked the smell of it, and the sticky feeling. I liked being reminded of what I’d done. But women always liked things clean, at least women like Cara. The whores I usually dealt with, they showered too, of course, but that was for practical reasons. They couldn’t go walking around stinking of their last john when their next client came along.
I tensed. Another sound disturbed the monotone sloshing of water. Sobbing. I pushed away from the kitchen counter and stalked into the corridor and stopped in front of the bathroom door. The sobbing was a low sound, meant to be drowned out by the shower. It wasn’t meant for me. Cara was crying.
I reached for the door handle, my fingers clutching the cold metal until my bones ached from the pressure. I let go and stepped back. Why was she crying?
Anger surged through me, burning hotter than lust. I turned on my heel and stalked away from the sound of her tears and didn’t stop until I was outside on the porch. Both dogs had followed after me and now watched me with curious eyes.
I curled my hands to fists and stared up at the night sky. I’d never found the sight calming or even inspiring. For me it had always looked too vast, too uncertain. Something I couldn’t control or comprehend, not even begin to.
Cara, she, too, was like the night sky. As beautiful, there was no doubt about it.
I could control her, at least physically, but what went on behind that perfect face, that was completely out of my grasp. Her brain worked in ways mine would never be able to. I liked things simple. Uncomplicated. She was anything but. Comprehending her? That was something I would never manage.
My eyes found the door. If I went inside now, would she still be crying? “Fuck,” I growled and kicked the ground. Both Coco and Bandit jumped back and eyed me warily. Anger was something I was familiar with, something I even found consoling. But tonight it didn’t make me feel better. I was angry at her but I couldn’t unleash my fury on her. No, I could, but I didn’t want to. And that made things worse.
She’d enjoyed herself. I’d seen her enjoy herself. Her body had responded to me. She’d moaned, had given herself over to pleasure. And now she was crying.
I was angry at myself, too. I shouldn’t give a shit about her feelings. I’d heard people cry before, had heard them beg and scream in terror. What was one woman crying? Nothing. But it didn’t lessen my anger. I kicked the ground again. Coco hid behind the chairs and Bandit backed even farther away from me.
I got down to my knees and made a soothing noise. My dogs had never been afraid of me. After a moment of hesitation, first Coco and then Bandit came toward me and pressed up to my body. I patted them for a long time, and finally some of the fire beneath my skin faded. That’s why I preferred the company of dogs. They weren’t complicated. They showed you what they were feeling.
I stood and returned into the house. I wouldn’t let anything or anyone drive me out of my own home. Coco and Bandit followed me closely. I closed the terrace door, then listened. The shower wasn’t running anymore. I waited another moment but it was silent. No sobbing, no nothing. Coco left my side and trotted toward Cara’s door, sniffing before she sat down. I sighed. Especially Coco had taken to Cara, but even Bandit who never liked anyone, seemed to enjoy the woman’s presence.
I strode toward Coco and listened even more closely, but silence reigned behind the door. I grabbed the handle, and before I could stop myself, I pushed it down and opened the door. My eyes found the bed where Cara lay curled up, her legs pressed against her chest. Her face was turned away from me, and when I was being honest with myself, I was thankful for that fact. I didn’t want to see her tearstained face. Her breathing was even, and she hadn’t tensed when light had spilled in. She was truly asleep.
That didn’t make me feel better. I shouldn’t have felt anything at the sight at all.