Two weeks after my birthday, Mother’s health deteriorated even further. Her skin was papery and cold, her eyes glazed from the painkillers. My grip on her was loose, scared of hurting her. She looked so breakable. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t be much longer. I wanted to believe a miracle would happen, but I wasn’t a small kid anymore. I knew better. Sometimes I wished I were still that naïve girl I used to be.
“Aria?” Mother said in a wispy voice.
I jerked up in my chair and leaned closer. “No, it’s me, Liliana.”
Mother’s eyes focused on me and she smiled softly. It looked horribly sad on her worn-out face. She’d been so beautiful and proud once, and now she was only a shell of that woman.
“My sweet Lily,” she said.
I pressed my lips together. Mother had never been the overly affectionate type. She’d hugged us and read bedtime stories to us and generally tried to be the best mother she knew how to be, but she’d almost never called us nicknames. “Yes, I’m here.” At least until Father would try to send me away again. If it were up to him Mother would be locked away from everyone she loved, only cared for by the nurses he’d hired until she finally passed away. I tried to tell myself it was because he wanted to protect her, to let a proud woman be remembered as she used to be and not only for her sickness, but I had a feeling that wasn’t his main incentive. Sometimes I wondered if he was embarrassed of her.
“Where are your sisters? And Fabi?” She peered over my head as if she expected to see them there.
I lowered my gaze to her chin, not able to look into her eyes. “Fabi is busy with school.” That was a blatant lie. Father made sure Fabi was busy with God only knew what, so he didn’t spend too much time with our mother. As if Father worried her sickness would rub off on Fabi if he got too close. “Aria and Gianna will be here soon. They can’t wait to see you again.”
“Did your father call them?” Mother asked.
I didn’t want to lie to her again. But how could I tell her that Father didn’t want them to come visit our dying mother, that they wouldn’t even have known she was close to dying if I hadn’t called them. I filled her glass with water and held it up to her lips. “You need to drink.”
Mother took a small sip but then she turned her head away. “I’m not thirsty.”
My heart broke as I set the glass back down on her nightstand. I searched for something to talk to my mother about, but the thing I really wanted to tell her about, my crush on Romero, was something I couldn’t trust her with. “Do you need anything? I could get you some soup.”
She gave a small shake of her head. She was watching me with a strange expression and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t even sure why. There was such a look of forlornness and longing in her gaze that it spoke to a dark place deep inside of me. “God, I don’t even remember how it is to be young and carefree anymore.”
Carefree? I hadn’t felt carefree for a very long time.
“There’s so much I wanted to do, so many dreams I had. Everything seemed possible.” Her voice got stronger as if the memory drew energy from somewhere deep inside of her body.
“You have a beautiful house and many friends and children who love you,” I said but even as I did I knew it was the wrong thing to say, and I hated this feeling of always doing the wrong thing, of not being able to help.
“I do,” she said with a sad little smile. Slowly it faded. “Friends who don’t visit.”
I couldn’t deny it and I wasn’t even sure if Father was why they stayed away or if they’d really never cared about my mother in the first place. I opened my mouth to say something, another lie I’d feel guilty for later, but Mother kept talking. “A house that was paid for with blood money.”
Mother had never admitted that Father was doing horrible things for our money and I’d never gotten the impression that she cared much either. Money and luxury were the only things Father had always given freely to her and us. I held my breath, half curious and half terrified of what she would say next. Did she regret having had kids? Were we a disappointment for her?
She patted my hand. “And you kids…I should have protected you better. I was always too weak to stand up for you.”
“You did everything you could. Father would have never listened to you anyway.”
“No, he wouldn’t have,” she whispered. “But I could have tried harder. There are so many things I regret.”
I couldn’t deny it. I’d often wished that she had stood up for us, especially for Gianna, when Father had lost it again. But there was no use in making her feel bad for something that couldn’t be changed.
“You only have this one life, Lily. Make the best of it. I wish I had done it and now it’s too late. I don’t want you to end like me, to look back at a life full of missed opportunities and lost dreams. Don’t let life pass you by. You are braver than me, brave enough to fight for your happiness.”
I swallowed, stunned by her passionate speech. “What do you mean?”
“Before I married your father, I was in love with a young man who worked in my father’s restaurant. He was sweet and charming. He wasn’t part of our world.”
I glanced toward the door, worried Father would overhear us. As if that could happen. As if he would actually set foot into this room. “Did you love him?”
“Maybe. But love is something that develops with time and we never got the chance. I could have loved him very much, I’m sure of it. We kissed behind the dumpsters once. It was cold outside and it smelled of garbage, but it was the most romantic moment of my life.” A sweet smile was on her face, an expression I’d never seen on my mother before.
Pity squeezed my heart tightly. Had Father never done anything romantic for her? “What about Father?”
“Your father…” She trailed off. She took a few shuddering breaths. Even with the help of the oxygen tank, she was struggling to breathe. “He doesn’t have time for romance. He never had.”
But he had time for whores behind my mother’s back. Even I knew about them, and I was usually the last person who got wind of these kinds of things. I’d never heard him say a kind word to Mother. I’d always assumed he could only show affection behind closed doors but now I realized he probably never did. The only nice thing he ever did was to buy her expensive jewelry.
“Don’t get me wrong, I respect your father.”
“But you don’t love him,” I finished. I’d always been sure Mother loved Father, even when he didn’t return the feeling, but finding out that there was nothing between them somehow felt like a punch in the stomach. Aria and Gianna had made the best of their arranged marriages but now I realized that many weren’t as lucky and never loved or even tolerated their husbands. Most women in our world were trapped in a loveless marriage with a cheating and sometimes even violent man.
She sighed, her eyes sliding shut, her skin becoming even paler than before. “I always told myself there was still time to do the things I love, to be happy, and now? Now it’s too late.”
Would those words always feel like a punch every time she voiced them? “No,” I said shakily. “It’s not. Don’t give up.”
She looked at me with a sad smile. “It won’t be much longer. For me there’s nothing but regret. But you have your whole life ahead of you, Liliana. Promise me you’ll live it to the fullest. Try to be happy.”
I swallowed hard. All my life my mother had told me to accept my fate, to be a good girl, to be dutiful. “I want to marry for love.”
“You should,” she whispered.
“Father won’t allow it. He’ll find someone for me, won’t he?”
“Aria and Gianna made good matches. You don’t have to marry for tactical reasons. You should be free to fall in love and marry that special boy.”
An image of Romero popped into my head, and a swarm of butterflies filled my stomach.
“I remember that look,” Mother said softly. “There is someone, hm?”
I blushed. “It’s silly. He isn’t even interested in me.”
“How could he not be? You are beautiful and intelligent and come from a good family. He’d be crazy not to fall for you.”
I’d never talked to Mother like this, and I felt incredibly sad that it had taken cancer for us to be this close. I wished she’d been that kind of mother before, and then I felt guilty for thinking something like that. “He’s not someone Father would approve of,” I said eventually. And that was a huge understatement. “He’s just a soldier.”
“Oh,” Mother whispered. She had trouble keeping her eyes open. “Don’t let anyone stop you from achieving happiness.” The last few words were barely audible as Mother slowly drifted off to sleep. I slipped my hand out from beneath hers and stood. Her breathing was labored, raspy, and flat. I could almost imagine how it would stop any second. I backed out of the room but didn’t close the door. I wanted to make sure I would hear it if Mother called for help.
I headed toward the staircase where I almost bumped into Father. “Mother will be happy to see you,” I said. “But she’s just fallen asleep, so you will have to wait a bit.”
He loosened his tie. “I wasn’t going to your mother. I have a few more meetings scheduled.”
“Oh, right.” That’s why he smelled like a perfume shop and why his suit was wrinkled. He’d spent the morning with one of his whores and was probably on his way to the next. “But she’d love to see you later.”
Father narrowed his eyes. “Did you call your sister? Luca called me this morning to tell me he and Aria were on their way to Chicago to visit your mother.”
“They have a right to say goodbye.”
“Do you really think they want to see your mother like this? Your mother was once a proud woman, if she were still in her right mind, she wouldn’t want anyone to see her in this pitiful state.”
Anger bubbled up. “You’re embarrassed by her, that’s all!”
He raised a finger in warning. “Careful. Don’t take that tone with me. I know you are under a lot of pressure but my patience is running thin at the moment.”
I pressed my lips together. “Are Aria and Luca still coming, or did you forbid them from visiting?” I didn’t mention that Gianna would be visiting as well. He’d find out soon enough and then Luca would hopefully be there to calm him down.
“They’ll be here in the afternoon. That’ll give Luca and Dante the chance to discuss business.”
That’s what he worried about? Business? His wife was dying and he didn’t give a shit. I nodded and left without another word. Half an hour later I watched my father leave the house again. There had been a time when I’d looked up to him. When I’d seen him in his black suit and thought he was the most important person in the world, but that hadn’t lasted long. The first time he raised his hand against Mother, I knew he wasn’t the man I thought he was.
* * *
Aria, Gianna, and Luca arrived two hours later. Matteo had stayed in New York. Not only because Luca needed someone he trusted there, but because Gianna’s encounter with Father would be explosive anyway. If Matteo were there as well, someone would die.
Aria and Gianna hugged me tightly in greeting. “How are you?” Aria asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s hard to see Mother so weak.”
“And Father acting like a jerk isn’t helping,” Gianna muttered.
Luca gave me a small nod. “I’ll wait in the kitchen. I still have a few phone calls to make.”
I had a feeling he only wanted to give us time alone with our mother and I was grateful for that. I almost asked him about Romero but then I stopped myself.
I led my sisters upstairs. When we stepped into Mother’s bedroom, shock flashed across their faces. Even I, who kept her company every day, was shocked every morning when I saw how broken she looked, and the smell was horrible as well. The nurses cleaned the floor and furniture with disinfectant twice a day but the stench of decay and urine still covered everything. It even seemed to cling to my clothes and skin, and clogged my nose when I couldn’t sleep at night.
Mother was awake, but it took a moment before recognition shone in her eyes. Then she smiled, and for a moment, despite the tubes disappearing in her nose, she didn’t look like death had already marked her as his. Aria immediately walked toward the bed and hugged Mother carefully. Gianna was tense beside me. She and Mother hadn’t seen each other in a while, and they hadn’t exactly parted on good terms. When Aria stepped back, Mother’s gaze settled on Gianna and she started crying. “Oh, Gianna,” she whispered.
Gianna rushed toward our mother and embraced her as well. It almost broke my heart that this reunion had such a horrible reason. I wished we’d come together like this long before today. I pulled two more chairs toward the bed and put them next to the one I’d spent countless hours in. We all sat down and Mother looked at peace for the first time in a while. I let Aria and Gianna talk and listened. Gianna leaned over to me when Aria told Mother about a new exhibition in New York. “Where’s Fabi? Shouldn’t he be home?”
“Father always has someone pick him up from school and then I don’t see Fabi until dinner.”
“Is he inducting Fabi already? Fabi’s way too young for that bullshit.”
“I don’t know. It’s difficult to talk to Fabi about it. He doesn’t tell me everything like he used to. He’s changed a lot since Mother got sick. Sometimes I don’t recognize him.”
“The mob changes them all. It sucks the good out of them,” Gianna murmured.
“Look at Matteo, Luca, and Romero, they aren’t all bad.”
Gianna sighed. “They aren’t good either. Far from it. With Fabi, I know how he used to be before the rottenness wormed its way into him, but with Luca and Matteo I always only knew them as Made Men, so it’s different.” Gianna narrowed her eyes in contemplation. “Are you still crushing on Romero? Shouldn’t you have moved on to a new target by now?”
I flushed, but didn’t reply. Luckily, Aria involved Gianna in the conversation and I could relax again.
* * *