I knew something was wrong the moment I saw Fabi’s expression. Recently Father had involved him more and more in the mob business, even though Fabi wouldn’t turn 13 for several more weeks. Had something happened? He couldn’t have been forced to kill someone already, right? The idea that my little brother might already be a killer turned my stomach into an icy pit.
“Sit,” Father said with a nod toward the armchair in front of his desk. Fabi immediately freed himself of my embrace, but what worried me more was that he made sure to keep his eyes on my chin.
“It’s good to see you back in Chicago. I trust Luca and Aria took good care of you?” Father asked.
No mention of Gianna, which wasn’t a huge surprise.
I sank down on the chair across from him. “Yes, they did. It was lovely.”
I tried to catch Fabi’s gaze; he’d returned to his spot at the window where he was busy avoiding my eyes, his hands balled to fists at his side and his lips a thin white line in his angry face. My stomach tied itself into a knot.
Father tapped his fingers against the smooth wood of the desk. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he looked almost ashamed. Fear gripped me. Again I darted a look at Fabi but he was glaring at the floor.
The silence stretched between us until I was sure I’d suffocate. “You said to Luca that you wanted me here for a few parties?”
“That’s part of the reason. You need to become part of our social circles again.” Father paused, then he cleared his throat. He looked almost guilty. “Life must go on. Death is part of our existence but we must make sure that our family line stays strong.”
Where was he going with this?
“I’m going to marry again.”
I was torn between relief and shock. At least I wasn’t in trouble but I couldn’t believe, much less understand how he could be considering another marriage when Mother had been dead for less than six months. “But—” I stopped myself. Nothing I could say would change a thing. It would only get me in trouble. “Who is she? Do I know her?”
There were a few widows in Father’s age I knew but I wasn’t sure if any of them were his type. Even thinking that made me feel guilty and I wasn’t even the one considering replacing Mother. Maybe Father was lonelier than he’d let on. I’d always thought he and Mother hadn’t cared much for each other but maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe he had loved her in some twisted way. Maybe he hadn’t been able to show it. Some people were like that.
Fabi let out a low sound, drawing my eyes toward him, but he was still glowering at his feet. Which was probably for the best because Father gave him a look that sent a shiver down my back. I noticed a fading bruise on Fabi’s left temple, and I couldn’t help but wonder if there were more hidden beneath his clothing and if Father was responsible for all of them.
Father’s fingers took up their tapping again. “Maria Brasci.”
I almost fell forward in my chair. “What?” I blurted. He had to be kidding. Maria was only one year older than me. She could have been Father’s daughter. She’d gone to school with me, for God’s sake!
I peered at Fabi again, needing him to tell me this was a joke, but his grimace was all the answer I needed. This was disgusting. Was this some kind of midlife crisis thing on Father’s part? I couldn’t even begin to understand how he could choose someone who could be his daughter.
“In turn,” Father continued evenly. “You are going to marry her father, Benito Brasci.”
And that’s when my whole world shattered. I could see it right before my eyes. All the images of a future with Romero, of happiness and smiles, of sweet kisses and endless nights of lovemaking splintering into tiny pieces, and they were replaced by something horrendous and dark. Something people whispered about in hushed voices because they were worried the horrors might become reality if they spoke about them too loudly. Not in my darkest nightmares had I imagined that Father would marry me off to an old man like Benito Brasci. I didn’t remember much about him, but I didn’t have to. Everything about this was wrong.
I tried to speak but I was mute. I wondered when the first tears would fall. Right now, I still felt too numb.
“You’re condemning Lily to a life of misery.” Fabi said the words I could only think. He sounded so…old. Like he’d become a man some time when I hadn’t been looking. I wanted to give him a grateful smile but my face was frozen, all of me was. Was this really happening?
This morning I’d still kissed Romero and now I was supposed to marry Brasci.
“I’m making reasonable decisions. You don’t understand it yet, but you will.”
“No. I would never do something like that.”
“You will do worse, believe me, Son.” He sighed. “We all have to make sacrifices. That’s life.”
What kind of sacrifice was it to marry a young woman who could be his daughter? I was supposed to do the sacrificing.
I couldn’t stop wondering when the tears would come but there wasn’t even the trademark prickling yet. There was nothing. I was nothing. Again I tried to call up an image of Benito Brasci, but I came up empty. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t Romero.
“You’ll meet him tomorrow. He and Maria are coming over for dinner.”
Maybe it could have been funny if it wasn’t so terrible.
“Okay,” I said simply. I sounded collected. Fabi frowned at me, but Father looked immensely pleased. I rose from my chair and crossed the room toward the door. “I’m going to bed. I had a long day.”
“Aren’t you going to join us for dinner?” Father asked, but he didn’t sound like he cared.
“I’m not hungry,” I said calmly.
“Then sleep well. Tomorrow is an exciting day for both of us.”
My hand on the door handle stilled for an instant. A flicker of something, maybe anger, seized my body but then it was gone and I was numb again.
One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. The mantra filled my head as I ascended the staircase. Steps thundered after me and then Fabi was beside me. He grabbed my arm. He was stronger than I thought. He was so grown. These thoughts repeated themselves in my mind. Maybe my brain had been broken by shock, or shut down because the reality of the situation was too much to bear.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Lily?” he growled. His voice wasn’t man yet, but not boy either.
“Wrong?” I asked.
“Yes, wrong,” Fabi muttered. He released me and I rubbed my arm from the force of his grip.
Was something wrong with me? Maybe that was the problem. I’d done many wrong things in the past. I’d slept with Romero, even though we weren’t married. Maybe this was punishment for my sins. The pastor in our church would probably have said so.
“Why aren’t you freaking out? Why did you just say okay? Do you even realize what you agreed to?”
I wasn’t aware I’d agreed to anything. How could I have when nobody had ever asked me about my opinion? “Because there is nothing I can do.”
“Bullshit,” Fabi said, stomping his foot. Maybe not as grown up as I thought.
I almost smiled, if my face had been capable of movement. “When did you start swearing so much?”
“All the Made Men do.”
“But you aren’t one of them yet.”
“But soon.”
I nodded. That’s what I’d feared. Father seemed keen on ruining both of our lives.
“And that doesn’t even matter right now. You can’t just accept this marriage. You have to do something.”
“What? What can I do?” I asked with a hint of anger. That brief burst of emotion scared me because I preferred the numbness.
“Something,” Fabi said quietly, blue eyes pleading with me. “Anything. Don’t just accept it.”
“Then tell me what I can do. You are the future Made Man. Tell me.”
Fabiano averted his gaze, guilt on his face.
I touched his shoulder. “There’s nothing either of us can do.”
“You could run like Gianna,” Fabi burst out.
“She got caught.”
“But you wouldn’t.”
“I would.” I was nothing like Gianna. I wouldn’t even last one month, probably not even a week. I wasn’t a rebel. I didn’t even want to leave this life behind. There was no way I would survive on my own for long.
But maybe I wouldn’t have to be alone. Romero could come with me. He knew how to evade pursuers. Together we could make it.
“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Fabi asked with a boyish grin.
“Remember where your loyalties are,” I whispered. “This is betrayal. If Father finds out, you’re going to be punished harshly.”
“I’m not a Made Man yet.”
“But as good as, you said it yourself. They will judge you as they would a Made Man, and that would mean death.”
“Father needs an heir,” Fabi said.
“Father will soon have a young bride who can give him plenty of children. Maybe he won’t need you after all.”
Fabi made a gagging sound. “It’s like he’s marrying you. It’s sick.”
I couldn’t deny it. “Benito Brasci is older than Father, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know. He looks ancient.”
“I should go up to my room,” I said absentmindedly. I needed to talk to Romero. Fabi didn’t stop me as I walked up the remaining steps and headed for my room.
When the door closed after me, I feared for a moment that I’d actually burst into tears, but the stopper keeping my emotions in held fast.
I fumbled my phone out of the bottom of my travel bag and dialed Romero’s number. My hands shook and when Romero didn’t pick up after the first two rings like he usually did, I could feel panic slip through the cracks in my numbness. He didn’t know I’d call, but I couldn’t help but worry that something had happened to him. Or that he’d found out about my engagement to Brasci and didn’t want anything to do with me. What if Luca had known all along? It was possible that Father had told him on the phone and Luca hadn’t mentioned it because he knew Aria and Gianna would make a scene.
I was sent to voicemail and quickly hung up. I hadn’t even put the phone away when the screen flashed with Romero’s name. Taking a deep breath, I answered.
“Lily, are you okay? I was in a meeting and had the phone on mute.”
I slumped against the wall at the sound of Romero’s voice. It calmed me but at the same time it made me realize what I could lose if I had to marry Brasci. “Father has chosen a husband for me,” I said eventually. I sounded like I was talking about the weather, completely detached.
Silence followed on the other end. I couldn’t even hear breathing. I didn’t dare say anything, although I was bursting with fear and anxiety.
“Who is it?” Romero asked in a low voice. I wished I could see his face to get a hint about his emotions. He sounded as emotionless as I had.
“Benito Brasci. You probably don’t know him, but—”
Romero interrupted me. “I know him. I met him during a gathering last year.”
“Oh,” I said, then waited but again Romero was silent. Why was he so calm? Didn’t he care that I was going to marry another man? Maybe this had always been a distraction for him. Maybe he’d never intended for us to have more than…what? An affair? I felt dirty just thinking about it. “He’s much older than me.”
“I know.”
Of course Romero knew but I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“I thought,” I said hesitantly. “I thought we could…”
I didn’t dare utter the words.
“You thought we could what?”
I closed my eyes. “I thought we could run away together.” I cringed when the words had left my mouth. Could I sound any more pathetic and naïve?
“That would mean war between the Outfit and New York.”
He said it matter-of-factly, like it had absolutely nothing to do with him. I hadn’t thought of that but of course that would be the first thing that crossed Romero’s mind. The Famiglia always came first.
I’d been stupid. Mother had always warned me that men promised you the world if they wanted something from you. Romero had been kind and loving, and I’d given him everything in turn. My body, my heart, every little thing I could give. I’d given it gladly and I didn’t want to feel regret over a single thing, but it was hard.
I bit my lip, suddenly on the verge of crying. I could feel the floodgates open. It wouldn’t be long now. “You’re right,” I croaked. “I—” I choked and quickly hung up. Then I hid the phone in my travel bag again and curled up on my bed, letting sobs wrack my body until my muscles hurt, until my throat hurt, until everything hurt, but nothing as much as my heart. Was this it? The end of every dream I had?