After hours of ultrasounds, blood work and all kinds of other checkups, I was finally rolled into a room. I was tired and scared, though not as badly as before. Dante settled on the edge of the mattress and brushed a few strands of hair from my face. My eyelids were heavy but I didn’t want to sleep. Dante had talked to the doctors, as I didn’t feel like my brain could follow their explanations right now. “What did they say?” I asked.
“He said you had a preterm rupture of membranes. That’s why you lost some of your amniotic fluid.”
“What does it mean? Do they have to deliver our baby early?” Fear felt like a vice around my throat. It would be too soon. What if I lost our child?
Dante settled himself against the pillow and pulled me against his chest. “No, they don’t. It didn’t rupture completely, but of course there’s a higher risk of an infection now, which is why you’ll have to take antibiotics for a while. You didn’t go into labor, so that’s a plus. They hope to delay the birth until week thirty at least. You’ll have to stay in bed as much as possible and aren’t allowed to exert yourself in any way.”
“Okay,” I whispered. “I just want our baby to be safe.”
“It will be. We won’t let anything happen to her,” Dante said in his calm, soothing voice.
I startled. “Her?”
Dante nodded. “I asked the doctor. They could see it when they did the ultrasound. It’s a girl.”
I wanted to be happy, and I was. I would love our child no matter if it was a girl or a boy, but I knew what was expected of me. I licked my dry lips, searching Dante’s eyes. “Are you angry because it isn’t a boy? I know you need an heir. Your father—”
Dante cupped my cheek, stopping me from saying more. “I’m happy. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. And my father will eventually see reason.”
He sounded honest, but I knew the realities of mob life, and the need for a Made Man to have a boy who could follow in his footsteps, be inducted into the mafia and guarantee the success of the Outfit. A man needed a son to be fully respected by his fellow Made Men. “You don’t have to sugarcoat things for me, Dante. I know how things work in our world.”
Dante pulled back a few inches, eyebrows raised. “I’m not sugarcoating anything. I told you the truth. I’m happy that we’re having a daughter. I’ll be happy about every child we have. I’m not going to lie—many people in the Outfit will see it as something less desirable. They will only really congratulate me once you’re pregnant with a boy, but I don’t care about them. You’re still young, and we have time. We’ll have more children and maybe there’ll be a boy among them. But for now let’s be happy about our daughter.”
“Are you happy?” I asked, already getting teary again. That was the one thing I hated most about being pregnant: my loss of self-control when it came to my emotions, especially my tears. “Since I told you I was pregnant, you never once asked about the baby. You pretended it wasn’t there. You made me feel horrible for something that should have been cause for joy. Why did you change your mind? Because I almost lost our baby?”
“I didn’t change my mind. I’ve been happy about your pregnancy for a while now.”
I gave him a doubtful look. “That’s not what I saw.”
“I’m good at hiding my thoughts and emotions,” Dante said regretfully. “But I shouldn’t have done it in this case. You are right, I ruined your first weeks of pregnancy for you. All because I was too proud to admit I’d been wrong.”
I waited patiently for him to say more. I wasn’t ready to accept his unspoken apology yet.
Dante rested his palm lightly on my stomach. “You were right during our fight after you told me about your pregnancy. I never wanted Carla to see a doctor about her inability to conceive because I didn’t want to find out it was me who was infertile. I’m a proud man, Val. Too proud, and somehow I had convinced myself that I couldn’t become Capo if I found out I was incapable of getting my wife with child. I would have been half a man.”
“No, you wouldn’t. But I understand where you’re coming from. But if that’s the case, then why weren’t you elated when I told you I was pregnant with your child? After all, that meant you weren’t infertile. Shouldn’t you have been proud?”
Dante’s smile was solemn. “Yes, I suppose I should have been.” He paused, and I gave him the time he needed to figure out his next words. I had a feeling he’d share something very personal with me. “But when you told me about your pregnancy, it almost felt like an attack on Carla’s memory, as if you were blaming Carla for her inability to give me children by getting pregnant so quickly.”
“I never wanted to attack your wife,” I said, horrified. “I know you loved her more than anything. I knew it before we married, and you never let me forget it in all the time we’ve been together.” The last part came out more accusatory than intended.
“I know,” Dante said, his cool blue eyes tracing my face. “I treated you badly. You did nothing to deserve it. When you gave yourself to me for the first time, I should have held you afterward. It would have been the decent, the honorable thing to do. Instead, I left. I didn’t want to allow myself to be close to you. I’d allowed myself to love once, and after I had to watch Carla die a slow, horrible death, I’d sworn to myself that I wouldn’t let a woman into my life again.”
I nodded slowly. “I’m sorry for what happened to Carla. I’m sorry you had to watch her die.”
Dante’s eyes were distant. He wasn’t crying. I didn’t think he’d ever allow himself to do so in front of anyone, but there was a deep sadness in his eyes that tore at me. “I killed her.”
I jerked in his embrace, my eyes wide. “You did what? But I thought she died from cancer.”
“She would have, yes. The doctors said there was nothing they could do for her. She was home, drugged up most days so she wasn’t in too much pain, but even the morphine eventually didn’t help anymore. She asked me to help her, to free her from the horror that her life had become. She didn’t want to spend more weeks bound to her bed, unable to get out and wracked by pain.” He paused, and I was openly crying, even if he couldn’t. I pressed my hand against his chest, trying to show him that it was okay, that I understood. “She wanted me to shoot her because she thought it would be easier for me, less personal. I couldn’t do it. Not like that. Not the same way I dealt with traitors and scum that wasn’t even worth the dirt under her feet. I injected her insulin, and she fell asleep in my arms and never woke up again.”
“I didn’t know. I was always told that she died because her organs failed in the end.”
His eyes settled on me, dark and haunted. He brushed his thumb under my eyes, wiping away my tears. “That’s what I wanted. I never told anyone.”
I shivered against him, too overwhelmed to say anything. I buried my face in his neck, seeking his warmth and scent. His hand rubbed gentle circles on my stomach. “If I’d known, I wouldn’t have pushed you so much.”
“Val, you didn’t push me. When I married you I made a vow to take care of you and try to be a good husband, and I don’t take my vows lightly. I’m a man of honor, and yet I didn’t fulfill the promises I made to you.”
“Why did you ever agree to marry if you knew how hard it would be for you?”
“My father wanted me to marry, and I knew I was starting to look weak because I couldn’t move on from Carla, so I did what I thought would be best for my claim to power. You seemed like the perfect choice.”
The way he said it made it sound as if I wasn’t, but I didn’t interrupt him.
“I thought you’d be reluctant to allow closeness so shortly after your first husband died.”
The mention of Antonio tightened my throat, but I swallowed past it. “I would have if we’d been in love, or had had anything resembling a real marriage.”
“I’m not blaming you for wanting something real after how Antonio used you. Which makes it even worse that you married another man who used you for his own purposes.” He let out a low breath.
“So when you decided to marry me, you never intended to sleep with me?”
Dante laughed darkly. “I’m not that honorable. No, I thought I’d consummate our marriage and then sleep with you whenever I felt like it, without any kind of emotional attachment.”
“Then why didn’t you sleep with me on our wedding night or in the days after?”
“I wanted to. When I brought you into my bedroom on our wedding night, I wanted nothing more than to rip your gown off and bury myself in you. I was angry. I wanted to fuck you until I got that anger out of my system, but then you stepped out of the bathroom in that modest silk nightgown looking every bit the lady, and you were my wife, and you had that fucking hopeful and insecure look in your eyes, and I knew I couldn’t use you like that.”
My lips parted in surprise. “Did you suspect that I had never slept with a man?”
Dante shook his head. “No. I could tell you were unpracticed in your advances and attempts at seducing me, but I guessed your first husband had been dominant in the bedroom and didn’t let you take the initiative, although it didn’t match up with my assessment of Antonio.”
“Was I that bad at trying to seduce you?” I asked with a small, embarrassed laugh. It felt incredible talking to Dante like this, so openly, and being in his arms without him trying to pull back was even better.
Dante’s lips curled into a wry smile. “I’m a man who prides himself on his self-control. Believe me, most men wouldn’t have been able to resist your charm. To be honest, when I found out I would be your first, I had an even harder time holding back. It’s probably a male thing, but I wanted to put my claim on you.”
“That sounds very animalistic.”
“It is. Before I married you, I didn’t want an inexperienced bride, but once I knew the truth about you, I had a hard time thinking about anything else other than making you mine.” Dante’s eyes darted to my round belly where his hand was still resting. “And the knowledge that you’re carrying my baby makes me proud, though it really isn’t something that should cause that notion in me. After all, it’s not a great achievement to impregnate your wife.”
I shook my head with a smile that slowly died on my lips as my eyes sought out Dante’s. “I love this. I love talking to you like a real husband and wife. Please don’t pull back from me again. I can’t go back to being lonely.”
Dante cupped my cheek. “I won’t. Today was the wake-up call I needed. I’ll try to be the best husband I can possibly be, which probably is still much less than you deserve. I’m not an emotional man, and I hate public displays of affection, but I won’t go back to ignoring you. That I can promise.”
I kissed him. “Thank you.”
We lay in silence beside each other until I felt our daughter move. I quickly shifted Dante’s hand so he could feel it too. He stilled.
“Do you feel her moving?”
Dante nodded. He didn’t say anything, but I knew this time it wasn’t because he was unaffected by what was happening. Smiling, I put my head back down on his shoulder.
“When can I return home?”
“Tomorrow. They want to keep you overnight.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t really happy about this. I worried about being separated from Dante for that long, but not because I was clingy or couldn’t be alone; no, I was worried that despite his promise, Dante would find reasons to retreat from me once more if we were separated so shortly after we’d come to an understanding.
“I’ll stay with you. I won’t let you alone in this place,” he said as if he knew about my worries, and my heart swelled with gratitude. “And I already told Leo that he would have to handle the casino alone for a while.”
“You don’t want me to work anymore?”
“The doctor said you need to stay in bed as much as possible, so you won’t be able to work. Once our child is born and you’re feeling well enough, we can still talk about finding you a new job.”
“That’s reasonable,” I said, then pulled back and kissed him again. Now that he let me, I wanted to do it over and over again. Soon my breathing quickened, but Dante drew back with a small shake of his head. “We shouldn’t. You need rest.”
“Did the doctor say something about sex?”
“Because of the rupture sex is too risky. It could lead to an infection or cause the rupture to widen.”
“So we can’t have sex for three months if I’m going full-term?”
“Yes. That’s right.”
I knew some men started using mistresses when their wives got pregnant. I didn’t think Dante was the type, but it still worried me. And it wasn’t as if I didn’t enjoy sex. Three months, and possibly longer, without any kind of relief sounded like a challenge.
Dante smoothed out the furrows between my brows. “What are you thinking?”
“Will you be okay with it?”
“You mean with no sex?” he asked with a hint of amusement. “Yes. As I said, self-control isn’t my problem.”
“I hope you have enough for both of us.”
Dante kissed a spot below my ear. “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I always want you, Valentina. You drive me insane with desire, but I won’t do anything that could endanger our child.”
“I know. Me neither.” I smiled. “I still can’t believe that we’ll have a little girl soon. When we’re back home tomorrow, I’ll have to show you something I bought today.” I couldn’t wait to see his face when he saw the onesie. I hated that something as horrible as a rupture of membranes had finally brought us closer, but I was glad it had. Now we could look forward to the birth of our daughter together.
* * *