CHAPTER FIVE
Gianna
The first ultrasound showed that the baby’s heart was beating. It was strange to see the pulsating thing on the screen. I was relieved that there wasn’t much more to see yet. There wasn’t a baby to speak of yet. I’d worried a little person would stare right back at me. It made things easier. As long as the kid looked like an undistinguishable black-and-white blob in the ultrasound and I didn’t feel it, I could pretend I wasn’t really pregnant—except for the few amendments to my lifestyle.
In the week following my appointment, Lily surprised me when she showed up in the Famiglia women gym. She hadn’t worked out these last four weeks, probably because of the pregnancy. She’d mentioned something about some light bleeding. Like me she wore yoga tights and a loose-fitting yoga tank, not that either of us showed yet. It was actually quite informative to see her since she was a week ahead of me, and always gave me a glimpse of what lay ahead. Her dark blond hair was piled atop her head in a messy bun just like mine.
“Hey stranger,” I called across the yoga room as Lily slid her wool socks off and padded toward me barefoot. We hugged before we both sank down on the round yoga pillows. The yoga lesson wasn’t about to begin for another fifteen minutes, but I was always early to prepare everything.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Great,” Lily said, brushing her palm across her belly. It was something I’d often seen with pregnant women, especially if you asked them about their well-being. As if they always answered for two.
“Are you going to do yoga today?”
She nodded with a smile. “My doc cleared me for exercise. I want to keep doing something for my health.”
Lily had been a constant presence in my yoga classes from the very first day. Aria had been in the beginning but she preferred my Pilates classes so she switched to them later. “Perfect,” I said with a smile. Lily and I didn’t see each other as often as Aria and I did so I’d missed our weekly yoga sessions and chats afterward.
“But I might not be able to do everything. I have to be mindful of what my pregnancy allows. I’ll read up on it so I’ll know what I can’t do.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll give you alternative yoga exercises in case it’s necessary or you don’t feel comfortable,” I said, touching her leg.
Uncertainty crossed Lily’s face. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
It sounded like “are you sure you can do it?” to me, but I pushed my annoyance down. “Pregnancy adapted workouts were part of my training. Trust me, I can make sure you and your kid are safe.” It wasn’t even a lie. Knowing that many mob wives popped out one baby after the other, I’d made sure to be versed in the special needs of pregnant women or women recovering from birth. I didn’t mention that I’d read up on the matter again to make sure I kept the secret passenger in my belly safe until its delivery to Aria and Luca. For a moment, I considered telling Lily. But Lily, far more than Aria, had completely lost herself in being a mom. Sometimes it seemed there was hardly any room for anything else anymore. It was something that I’d always considered the most deterrent thing about becoming a mother—losing yourself and everything you used to be, as if by giving birth you lost every right to still have your own needs and interests.
Lily beamed at me. “Thank you!” Then her expression turned sheepish. “I’m sorry if I’m being annoying. I’m just so excited about my pregnancy. I can’t wait for Sara to have siblings.”
My eyes widened. “Siblings? Are you preggers with more than one?”
“Oh no.” Lily giggled, again caressing her flat belly. For some reason the motion made me unreasonably angry, which was completely irrational. “But Romero and I want at least three kids.”
I nodded, smiling tightly. I’d never minded Lily’s exuberance when it came to being a mom but for some reason, I had trouble being around it now that I was pregnant myself. Yet, I was determined not to vent my irrational feelings on Lily. She had every right to be happy and I wouldn’t ruin it.
* * *
Matteo and I sat at the bar in our kitchen, drinking coffee and chatting about Matteo’s plans to head out with Growl today to seek out a hiding place of the MC giving them trouble.
“Do you really have to join Growl?” I asked.
Matteo’s eyebrows rose. I wasn’t someone who clucked. I was more like the mother hen who kicked her eggs out of her nest. With Matteo I’d grown used to his thrill-seeking ways. “Are you worried?”
I was, and more than that, I was terrified. Matteo’s life was dangerous and while I’d worried in the past as well, I’d usually kept my feelings to myself, knowing that he could handle things.
I glared in response. Matteo grinned and wrapped an arm around my hip, dragging me closer so he could kiss me. “All these hormones are turning you into a softy.”
It was the first time we’d mentioned the pregnancy since my doctor’s appointment in my seventh week, which was more than four weeks ago. And even on that day our conversation about the pregnancy had only consisted of “Everything okay?” from Matteo and a curt nod from me. We’d kept living our life, minus the club visits and drunk escapades.
“Just be careful,” I pressed out. Matteo searched my eyes as he did so often recently, then nodded. “You know me.”
“I do, which is why I want you to be careful. Don’t leave me alone to deal with this mess.”
Matteo smiled, but there was something dark behind it. “Luca and Aria will deal with the mess, babe.”
I didn’t get the chance to ask what that was supposed to mean because our bell rang. “Aria,” I said, because vigilance had taken over Matteo’s face. “She made another appointment with her OB/GYN today.”
Matteo stood and allowed her to take the elevator up to the penthouse. Aria probably knew the code from Luca but unlike him, she always rang the bell like any decent human being would.
Matteo waited for her with his back to me. Aria smiled hesitantly as she stepped in. “Ready?”
“Sure,” I said. I’d tried to avoid another examination for as long as possible, but Aria had insisted it was time for another checkup now that I was twelve weeks along.
I kissed Matteo and he stroked my back in an almost lingering way. Then I pulled back and followed Aria.
* * *
At first, I considered not looking at the ultrasound screen but then curiosity got the better of me. The moment my eyes registered the small baby on the screen, I wished I hadn’t given in. This wasn’t a mere blob anymore. The doc explained what we saw and marked the feet, head, hands… a complete human being in my belly.
I looked away. Aria met my gaze, her eyes alight with joy then slowly she sobered. She reached for my hand and squeezed. I was glad she didn’t say anything. I stared at the painting on the wall, some kind of abstract art, because Aria’s expression tightened my chest. The doc kept blabbering about how things looked good. I tried to block her out but it was impossible.
I practically leaped off the examination table when she was done and got dressed, desperate to leave as soon as possible. When I left the changing area, the doc held out a string of photos. Ultrasound photos of the baby. I stared at them. Aria gingerly took them from the doc before she touched my arm and led me outside. We didn’t talk until we were in the elevator. “Do you want to have them?”
I shook my head. “You and Luca should have them.”
Aria slid them into her purse. “Are you still okay with Luca and me adopting the baby?”
“Of course,” I said. “That’s not it… I just want to pretend nothing changed, that I’m not pregnant, but days like today make that really hard.”
Aria gave me an understanding look. “Maybe try to make peace with it. See it as an exercise you need to get through. It won’t be long until it’ll be even harder to pretend you aren’t pregnant.”
“My belly’s still flat, hallelujah,” I muttered, trying to resort to my usual sarcasm that seemed out of reach so often recently.
“It’s not just your growing belly,” Aria said quietly as we approached the car with our bodyguards. “You’ll feel the baby eventually.”
I couldn’t imagine feeling something inside of me like that. Weren’t there women who didn’t realize they were pregnant until labor started and a baby plopped out of them? They couldn’t have felt the baby inside of them, so maybe I would be lucky too.
Matteo
I wiped blood off my knife while Luca leaned against the wall, watching me.
“While I appreciate your talents with your knife, you realize we’ll run out of MC assholes for you to torture to release some tension eventually. Maybe you should ask your wife for some yoga mantras. A few oms might help you relax.”
I slanted him a dark look. “Says the man who slaughtered an entire chapter to release tension. And stop reading shit into my actions. I always loved to torture.”
Luca’s phone rang and considering his softer expression, it could only be Aria. “That’s good. When’s the next appointment?”
I knew at once that they were talking about Gianna and the baby. Shoving my knife back into the holster at my chest, I approached my brother. He hung up.
“So what did your wife say?”
Luca narrowed his eyes at me. “Everything’s fine. The ultrasound showed a healthy baby.”
I gave a terse nod. “See, Gianna’s taking care of your kid.”
Luca didn’t say anything for a while. “It’s not our kid yet. It can still be yours.”
I considered that, becoming a dad, having responsibility for a small human being. Gianna and I loved staying up late and doing whatever we felt like. We loved traveling too—as much as me being a mobster allowed. I loved seeing the joy on Gianna’s face whenever she managed to wrangle a bit more freedom out of the mafia life. A kid would take away plenty of her freedom, even more so than mine.
“No, you and Aria should adopt it like we agreed.”
* * *
When I returned late in the afternoon, Gianna was browsing travel pictures on her laptop. She didn’t mention her examination, nor did I. Instead she pointed at a lush green forest and then white beaches and blue water. “Costa Rica.”
I kissed her and sank down beside her. “You want to play name a country?”
She rolled her eyes. “I want to flee the cold this winter. Why don’t we spend a few weeks in Costa Rica in November? New York is always so depressing in winter.”
“Can you fly?”
She frowned. “Of course.”
I gestured at her flat belly. “I mean because of the kid.”
“I know what you mean, but it’s not a problem.”
“Then we should fly to Costa Rica for a bit of adventure.”
Her entire face transformed. Relief and happiness shone in her eyes. This was the Gianna I wanted to keep seeing, and this Gianna needed her freedom.
Maybe for the first time since we’d agreed to giving Luca and Aria our child, I felt a sense of certainty and acceptance. Some people weren’t meant to be parents, and we were among them.
When I told Luca about our travel plans, expecting to be met with resistance, I was surprised when he nodded. “That’s actually a good plan. Maybe you’ll be more chilled afterward.”
I stifled a comment, but his words proved to be correct. Gianna and I really enjoyed the two weeks away from everything. The only thing that occasionally dimmed our joy was when people congratulated Gianna on her pregnancy. In her sixth month, the bump was now visible when Gianna wore only a bikini. Apart from that, this vacation was like all of our vacations before, except we couldn’t drink or dive, but Gianna was still fit and eager to do as many activities as possible.
One evening as we watched the sunset in the hammock in front of our beach villa, Gianna leaned her head on my shoulder, whispering, “I wish we could stay in this moment forever. I’m scared of returning to New York.”
Gianna admitting to being afraid was a rare event and immediately fired up my protectiveness. I pulled her closer against me. “There’s nothing for you to be scared of. You have me.”
She looked at me. “I do, don’t I?”
I frowned. “Of course.”
“Things will get tough. Pretending this pregnancy isn’t there is impossible with my belly, and it’ll be hard hiding from the public to keep it hidden.”
“You’ll spend plenty of time in the Hamptons with Aria and Liliana.”
Gianna cringed. “I still have to tell Lily. I can’t postpone it anymore. It’s not fair.”
“Then tell her.” I paused, knowing Gianna would loathe what I had to say next. “You should stop teaching classes. Hiding your bump in gym clothes is much harder, especially if you do all those yoga poses.”
Gianna nodded slowly, surprising me. “I know. It’s been hard to avoid ab exercises these last few weeks. Eventually my clients will get suspicious.”
Wistfulness swung in her voice. Gianna loved her job. She loved feeling useful. A life as a trophy wife wasn’t what she was born to be. She pulled her legs up against her body, her gaze returning to the ocean cloaked in darkness.
When suddenly she jumped, her eyes going wide and darting down to her belly.
“What is it?” I asked, alarmed.
Gianna didn’t say anything at first and only stared down her body. Slowly she lowered her legs and met my gaze. “It’s nothing. I think my stomach is acting up.”
Gianna was lying. “Are you sure you are okay?”
She glanced down at her belly again and nodded slowly. “I’m fine. I’ll just do a few detox-days once we’re back home, then everything will be okay.”
I had a feeling her reaction had little to do with stomach issues and more with the baby.