I take her hand in mine and brush my lips against her scars, and like every fucking time, she shivers, as if I’m not kissing her skin but her soul.
“To heal,” I say against her most beautiful part. The proof she’s a survivor.
“T-to heal?”
“Rehab. Dad and I agreed on the thirty-day program, but it could go to the sixty-day one.”
“Oh,” the word leaves her lips in a breath. She’s happy about it, but like me, she has that imminent doom lurking in her expression.
The fact of our separation.
I stroke her green strands back. Another beautiful part – her quirky old self shining through. It’s proof that the little girl is still there, broken but able to pull her pieces together.
“Then there’s the whole shitstorm with my mother. If she carries on with her threats, we’ll be under a lot of scrutiny for being siblings and I don’t want you in the middle of that.”
She places a hand in front of my mouth, cutting off my sentence. “I don’t care what the world says. You were never and will never be my brother. I have one sibling and it’s not you.”
I kiss her fingers before removing them. “Thank fuck for that.”
She bites on the corner of her lip. “Dad says we might have to leave the country altogether.”
“Mine did, too.”
“I don’t care, you know.”
“No?”
She threads her fingers through mine. “It’s not places that keep me rooted, it’s people. This place is my home because you’re all in it. If we go together, we’ll just be relocating home.”
I’m glad she’s thinking like that, even though she’s forgetting important things – like our friends and everyone we know.
But I keep that to myself and change the subject. “If this shitstorm had never happened, where were you planning to go next year?”
“Imperial College, and I was going to take Kirian with me. There’s no way in hell I was leaving him with Jeanine. Now that Dad is around, my plans have slightly changed.”
“To what?”
“I don’t know. The sky is my limit.” She strokes the back of my hand. “What about you? Do you still want to go to Harvard?”
“How do you know about that?”
She blushes. “I heard you talk to Lewis once.”
I smirk. “Stalker.”
“Shut up. So? Are you?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I only wanted to go there because it was the farthest place I could go to be away from you. I chose it to escape you. Now, that won’t be happening, even if you beg for it.”
Her smile is contagious and I can’t help pulling her cheek to me and kissing it.
“Then what’s your plan now?” she asks.
“You.”
“M-me?”
“Yes, you. Wherever you go, I go.”
“Come on. You must have some dream in mind. Do you still like reading the economic part of the news?”
“Yes, I do.”
“So you’re following business?”
“Probably, but only if it doesn’t keep me away from you.”
“Of course it wouldn’t. Besides, sacrifices need to be made for success.”
“The only sacrifice I’m making is the rehab. I mean, healing, not sacrifice.”
Her expression falls and her deep green eyes fill with wretchedness.
“When are you going?” she asks in a small voice.
“Tomorrow.”
“That soon?” Her words break at the end.
“Yeah, Lewis Knight’s friends work fast.”
“They do.”
“I’m sorry.”
I also don’t want to leave this soon, but I have to do it anyway, so I might as well rip it as a Band-Aid.
“Don’t be.” She leans over and brushes her lips against mine. “I’m proud of you.”
“I’m proud of you, too, Green.”
A tear falls down her cheek and she wipes it away quickly.
I cup her chin. “Hey, what is it?”
“It’s just, I waited so long to hear you say something like that to me.”
I kiss her tear away. “From now on, you’ll be hearing it the entire fucking time. You’re mine, Green, and I’ll protect you with my life.”
“I’ll protect you, too.”
“Is that so? From who?”
“From yourself. From the world. From anyone who tries to harm you.”
“So you’re like my knight now?”
“Uh-huh. Get used to it.”
“Let me see about that.” I pull her to me and lift her leg so I can slide my dick into her cunt.
She’s already so wet. Both of us moan as I’m sheathed deep inside her.
I fuck her as slow as the time that passed while I waited for her those seven years.
I fuck her while staring at her, letting her know that she’s it for me. I don’t have to be thirty-something to know that. I’ve known it since the moment the woman who gave birth to me abandoned me and Kim hugged me, promising never to leave me.
I knew it when she held my hand and cried with me, even when I told her I didn’t like seeing her cry.
I didn’t understand the levitation in my chest back then, but now, I do.
What I feel for Kim isn’t only about our bodies’ connection or our history, it’s also about our pain. It’s about the fact that her presence dulls the emptiness like no alcohol ever will.
The orgasm that hits her shakes both of us to the core. She wraps her arms around me and hides her face in my neck as she whispers, “I love you, Xan. I’ve been in love with you for so long, I don’t know when it started or if it’ll ever end.”
And just like that, I’m a goner.
Xander
After tangling herself around me, kissing me, and whispering things in my ear, Kim finally loses the long biological battle with sleep and drifts off.
My chest still aches at remembering the words she said. Like how much she loves me, how much loving me has saved her.
At that moment, I couldn’t speak. I still can’t, because I have no right to say those words when I’m leaving.
I stand by the bed, fully dressed, and stroke the stray green hair off her cheek. She moans softly, leaning into my touch.
Everything in me shouts at me to stay.
To hold her.
Kiss her.
Never leave her side again.
But Dad is right; I don’t deserve her. Not yet.
With one last glance at her, I step out of her room. Before leaving, I have to go to a place and get her a gift, but first, I bring out my phone and type.
Xander:Remember that day you named me your knight? We were in the park and you were wearing that green princess dress with ribbons and lace and shit. Your hair wasn’t brushed, and you had this green crown on top that you made Calvin buy you for Halloween. Then you said, ‘Hey, Xan. Every princess needs a knight and you’re honoured cuz I’m making you mine.’ The moment I knelt in front of you while you blessed me with a bamboo sword, mimicking the queen, was my happiest childhood memory. It was the first time you dressed up and smiled after your grandmother’s death and I felt so damn proud to bring joy to your life. That’s why I hugged you straight after and nearly squeezed you to death. When you looked at me with those huge eyes, I wasn’t only a knight, I was a fucking God. I still feel the same whenever you look at me, and that’s why I had to hate you after I overheard Dad and Jeanine.
I knew. I just knew, even at eleven, that I didn’t want to be your brother. I fucking hated it and I wanted to shout it out loud. I wanted to grab Dad and ask him why, but I bottled it all inside. For years, I looked at you and knew I couldn’t touch you. For years, I ached to talk to you, to tell you it hurt without you, and that I missed you. I missed being your knight, your armour against the world, but most of all, I missed being your closest friend. The more I wanted to do that, the harder I hated myself and I directed that hatred at you. I hurt you because it hurt me. I hated you because the opposite was fucking impossible. I became War because wars are mass destruction to everyone – me included.
I couldn’t be your knight anymore and it slowly killed me. Finding out I’m part of the reason you decided to end your life was the last chip in my armour before it was destroyed to pieces. But then it started building again because of someone. You. Since that night you barged into my room, hugged me, and told me we share no DNA, I’ve been slowly shedding War and building back my armour.
You were right. I was honoured to be your knight. Now, I have to be a worthy of that title and you again.
I’ll heal, like I’m sure you will. I won’t fix you and you won’t fix me. We’ll just hug each other like we used to do in the past. If Samantha stirs any shit up, I’ll kiss you in front of the world and shout that you’re mine, their judgement be damned. The universe doesn’t matter, Green, you do.
Then. Now. Always.