Despite his absentee status, he’s always looked at his children as if they’re the only ones who matter. Not like Dad, who only looked back when his family was causing some sort of problem for his career.
Calvin’s gaze meets mine, and his smile doesn’t falter or change. It’s the same warmth, the same care.
I shake my head. I must be imagining things because I didn’t get my usual dose of alcohol.
Calvin is the last thing on my mind, and while I didn’t admit it to Dad, he’s right about how fragile Kim is during this period. We should focus on her, not on any other clusterfuck.
I pick up Kirian and he squeals with delight as I place him over my shoulders.
Kim tries to jump, but she can’t reach him. “Hey! That’s cheating.”
“Team Superman!” he shouts. “Xan, wrestle Kimmy like the other time.”
“Shut up, Kir.” She blushes, voice low.
“But you said it was special wrestling.” He stares at Calvin. “What does special wrestling mean, Dad?”
“No idea, Kir.” Calvin’s smile doesn’t change, hiding his reaction perfectly.
Fuck me. This little man will be the reason for the explosion in Kim’s cheeks.
She snatches the keys from Kirian’s hands and runs to the car. “I’ll start the car up.”
She leaves me alone with Calvin. Perfect. Not awkward at all.
He passes me Kirian’s bag and I take it from him. In the last second, he keeps it between us and says in a cool tone, “Take care of them and of yourself.”
I give a sharp nod. “Yes, sir.”
His lips curve in a smile. “Calvin’s fine.”
I smile back. “Yes, Calvin.”
Kimberly
Healing is a slow, painful process.
For the following week, I discover how weak I actually am. Even when Dad, Elsa, and Xander say otherwise.
I’m weak, because I still hide whenever Mum is in sight. I’m weak, because I’m scared of eating, and whenever I do, I vomit it right back up.
I’m weak, because I’m starting to think I’m a burden to everyone, even when my therapist has been trying to purge those thoughts.
Then in the midst of weakness, like now, he comes in.
Xander.
My knight, even if it’s in a different way than when we were children. He used to carry me on his back, and now, he pulls me to his side as if I’ve always belonged there.
After I return to school, he’s there every step on the way. Without saying any words, he announces to RES’s student body that I’m now his and if anyone breathes in my direction, let alone says anything, they better start preparing their funerals.
He holds my hand and kisses me in the halls as if we’ve been doing it for eternity.
He whispers things into my ears, like how much he misses me, even though I’m right there.
I’ve become so used to his presence, as if we were never separated, as if we’re picking up right where we left off seven years ago. Maybe that’s why whenever he disappears, the fog begins to slowly creep in through the cracks.
Today, I met Silver in the library, and although we didn’t speak, it brought back memories of the times where I hated myself and envied her body.
Through the years, I’ve always wondered why she grew up to be so beautiful while I became a potato. And sometimes, like now, those thoughts return with a vengeance. That’s why I’m hiding in the back garden.
Elsa’s been watching me eat my food and has been following me to the bathroom to make sure I don’t stick my finger down my throat.
Since that infamous night, I haven’t done it, but I can’t help feeling the involuntary need to puke. The doctors say it’s psychological.
Eating disorder.
Mental disorder.
Lifedisorder.
All I want is some solitude to collect myself and go back in there.
I’m not even three minutes in before Xan’s silhouette appears from between the trees. His blond hair is styled back and his Elites’ jacket forms to his bulging muscles. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I’ll look at him and not think he’s blindingly beautiful.
He slides beside me, and I can’t help the smile that breaks out on my lips. I might have wanted solitude, but not from him – never from him.
I let my head drop on his strong bicep. “I thought you guys had a meeting with the team manager?”
“We’re done. Or I’m done, anyway.”
“Are you still suspended?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters.” I lift my head and sniff him, and the waft of alcohol hits me, even though mint comes from his breath. “You’ve been drinking.”
“Define drinking.” He grins, but even that doesn’t charm him into my heart.
“You have a problem, Xan. You need to stop.”
“It’s all under control.”
I reach into his jacket and retrieve the small bottle of Absolut Vodka he usually keeps there. “How are you keeping it under control? You’re like an old alcoholic man.”
He inhales, then tries to snatch it away. I throw it ahead letting it smash to pieces against the asphalt.
“Why the fuck did you do that?” he snaps.
“Because you need to stop.”
“You’re starting to sound like Dad.”
“Well, maybe you should listen to him. Can’t you see that you’re poisoning yourself?”
“No, just like you’re not seeing how you’re starving yourself.”
I pull away from him.
“Fuck.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You’re right, I didn’t see how I was starving myself. I didn’t see how I was slowly hitting rock bottom both emotionally and mentally, but I do now. And the reason I’m not eating is because I don’t want to vomit. It pushes me back to those times and I hate those times. I told Calvin and Elsa about it, though. I also asked the doctor if there are any food supplements I can use. I’m trying, Xan. I just want you to try, too. Don’t throw your life away because of some grudge against Lewis.”
He strokes my cheek and I lean into his hand, briefly closing my eyes. “It’s not only because of Dad.”
I glance at him. “Then what?”
“You know that moment when you think your life has no purpose, and it’s kind of numb? Alcohol and fighting make me feel.”
“Just like cutting made me feel. There was so much pain and sometimes, I couldn’t breathe, and that’s when the cutting and the pills began. They made me feel something other than that pain. They were a pain I could control, a pain that could purge it all out with the blood. The physical cut was more tolerable than the thousand emotional and mental scars I walked with every day. But you know what?”
His finger never leaves my face. “What?”
“When I almost died, I realised how temporary those feelings are. The guilt is way more permanent and long. Besides, I want real feelings, not forced ones through addictions. Don’t you?”
He thins his lips into a line but says nothing.
“What’s more important? Me or alcohol?”
He scoffs. “The alcohol started because of you, Green. I mean, it was my choice, but you’re the reason.”
“Then I’m ending it.”
He smirks. “You’re ending it?”
“Absolutely. Watch me.”
“Meh, I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?”
“Climb on my lap so I can watch you clearly.”
I hit his shoulder. “You’re awful.”
“Come here, Green.” He taps his lap and he doesn’t have to say it twice.
I crawl on top of him so my legs are on either side of his strong thighs and my arms are wrapped around his neck.
“You know, with this position, I can see your underwear.” His lips tilt upward. “Green. Seriously?”
“I thought you’d appreciate it.”
“Oh, I fucking do.” He brushes his lips against mine, then quickly pulls back.
“Tease.”
“You know why I tease you?”
“No.”