I walk to the deep end and sit on the edge, submerging my legs in the water halfway up my calves. The cool water covers my skin like a hug, instantly easing my heated nerves.
Cole will be back late. By then, we’ll both have calmed down, he’ll climb into bed, I’ll spoon him, and he’ll layer his hands with mine, our signal to each other that everything will be fine.
I need to relax. I’m nineteen, and I have money worries and relationship problems. Who doesn’t at my age? I’m too hard on myself. Pike seems fine with me being here, so I’ll continue to pull my weight, and he won’t have cause for complaint.
And worse comes to worse, my father would never turn me away at the door. Everything will be fine. It might not be right now, but it will be.
I smile a little, almost convinced. Looking down at the blue surface of the water, and the white light illuminating the clean bottom of the pool, I feel a sudden urge to prove it.
I can do it.
Everything will be fine.
And I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and leap, pushing myself off the edge and into the water. Bubbles pour out of my mouth as I release air and sink to the bottom of the pool. My hair floats around me, the water caressing my scalp, and the flannel billows up as I cross my legs and sit on the floor of the pool.
I don’t know when I started doing this. I didn’t grow up with a pool, of course, but maybe it was summer camp when I was twelve or Cam taking me to the public pool as a kid that I realized how scared I could get of the unknown. I like to challenge that part of myself, because it boosts my confidence when I succeed.
Taking my laundry down to the seedy basement at the old apartment by myself. Sleeping in the dark without even the hall light on. Driving home at two o’clock in the morning after a shift and not checking the backseat to make sure I’m alone in the car.
I look around, twisting my head and seeing nothing but water, but my vision only takes me so far and the view fogs into nothing. Anything could come swimming out of the distance and toward me. Anything could be behind me. Anything could come up from the drain or dive in from the surface.
I close my eyes.
If I can do this, Cole and I will be fine. Everything will be good, and I’ll just keep trucking.
My lungs start to ache, but I keep my eyes closed and remain still. Something is staring at me. And there’s something slinking through the water, heading straight for me. I feel it. It’s coming for me.
I know it’s my fear, so I keep my eyes shut, pressing on. I know everything will be fine. It’s my imagination.
I can do it. I can do it.My lungs stretch painfully, and my throat burns, but I squeeze my fists. Just another second. One more second.
But suddenly, the water shakes around me, and I pop my eyes open, knowing that it’s not my imagination this time. I look up and see Pike just as he’s reaching out for me. He grabs me under my arms, and I bat at him, shaking my head.
My lungs are done, though, and I can’t take anymore. Pushing him away through the water, I plant my feet on the bottom of the pool and push off, shooting for the surface.
I break through, coughing with hair plastered to my face. I hear him spit water out next to me.
“What the hell are you doing?” I growl.
“I thought you were drowning! What the hell? What were you doing?”
I cough again, wheezing as I draw in a lungful of air. “Facing my fears. Damn,” I grumble as I swim for the edge.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I swing my arm up and over the ledge, my muscles weak from the scare he just gave me.
“Are you sure?”
He hauls himself up and climbs out of the pool, reaching out a hand for me to take.
I ignore it and the question, pushing myself up to sit on the edge again.
If he saw me go into the water, then I guess he was probably wondering what I was doing there, but still…
I almost beat the challenge.
The shirt hangs on me, heavy and wet, but I can’t take it off. There’s nothing on underneath. I cough again, clearing my throat and catching my breath. He stands next to me, quiet.
“I heard you and Cole fighting,” he finally says.
From outside? Great.
He squats down next to me, facing the water, too. I can’t imagine what he must be thinking. I’m fighting with his son, and then I’m diving fully-clothed into a pool. Yeah…
I take a deep breath, making sure to calm my tone to ease him. “I make deals with myself,” I say to him but don’t meet his eyes. “If I can do something I don’t want to do, then everything will be fine. If I do something that scares me, then I can beat whatever else comes.” I half-smile. “I don’t like to swim alone. It creeps me out. Especially at night.”
I finally turn my gaze on him. He’s staring down at the pool, listening.
“It’s a game I play with myself,” I tell him.
He nods, understanding.
“Cole doesn’t want me here,” I say, dropping my eyes as needles stab my throat. “I don’t think he wants me at all anymore.”
I don’t know why I’m telling him this, but he listens. On the rare occasions we have talked, he seems to want to hear. It’s easy with him.
“He’s young,” he explains. “We all do and say selfish things when we think we own the world.”
“Do I?” I shoot back.
I mean, I’m no angel, but I know I treat Cole better than he treats me.
Pike doesn’t say anything, but I can see him looking at me.
I’m a pushover. I walked away from my ex and my parents, but I never let them have it. I never fought back. I just ran.
Aside from my sister, Cole is all I have, and I let shit slide, because he was more to me than just a boyfriend.
“Can I ask you a question?” Pike says.
I glance at him, my heart skipping a beat at seeing his eyes cast down and locked on me. The reflection of the water makes them look cloudy blue.
“How did you and Cole meet?” he asks.
And despite my aggravation, I smile a little.
My eyes drop to the scar on my thumb, and I lick my lips. “When I was sixteen, I worked at a car wash,” I tell him. “No other girls worked there, but it was all I could find, so I gutted it out with a team full of guys.”
I feel the heat from his body next to me, and I time the rise and fall of his chest, finding myself matching it.
“I got a lot of crap,” I continue, remembering the snide comments every time I bent over or leaned into a car. “Teenage guys can be…”
“Yeah,” Pike finishes for me knowingly, humor in his voice. We exchange a grin.
He used to be a teenage guy, too, after all, I guess.
“There was a guy named Nick who always got people off my back,” I go on, remembering. “He was nice to me and talked to me. He didn’t leer or act immature.”
I absently rub my finger over the scar.
“One day he invites me to hang out, and he brings Cole along.” I look over at Pike, the anger from earlier suddenly gone now. “We all became friends, had a lot of fun, and I think I became closer to them than I have been to anyone. Except my sister, that is.”
He nods, looking like he’s thinking. And then he asks, “And you and Cole started dating? How did Nick take that?”
I turn my eyes back out at the pool, taking in a deep breath. “He never knew,” I say quietly.
Pike remains quiet, the tension in the air thick now. I said he never knew. Not he doesn’t know.
I clear my throat. “One night, a couple years ago, before Cole and I were seeing each other,” I tell him. “He and Nick were out together. Cole had too much to drink, and he passed out. Nick caught a ride home with someone else.”
Tears prick the backs of my eyes, and my mouth is so dry.
“The driver lost control of his truck, it rolled, and all the kids in the back of the bed went tumbling out.”
“Oh, my God,” he says under his breath, dropping his head.
I finish. “Nick was caught under. He died a couple days later.”
I squeeze my fists to try to keep from crying. He was the only person I knew who died. It wasn’t like my mom leaving. Nick didn’t want to go. He lived for video games, and his hair was always hanging over his glasses, and I miss all of his quirks.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to his little brother’s Nerf gun that we all used and all skinned our thumbs on.
“Jesus Christ,” Pike mumbles. “How did I not know about that? I faintly remember hearing something, but I didn’t know Cole was friends with anyone in that accident.”
I sit up straight and nod. “Yeah, Cole…” I pause, trying to find my words. “He had a hard time getting over it.”
Pike’s eyes narrow on me.
“He was supposed to be Nick’s ride that night,” I explain.
Realization crosses his face, and I’m sure he feels like he should know all this, but it makes sense Cole wouldn’t tell many people. He was ashamed.
“We didn’t let each other out of our sight after that,” I tell him.
I was hurting, Cole was hurting, and I was the only one who knew why he felt responsible, so I was the only one he could talk to.
And after a while, it just became habit. Us, side by side. Us, turning to each other. Us, wanting what was familiar, constant, and safe.
Us, holding onto Nick by holding onto each other. We both found ourselves desperate for one true friend. He and I hurting over Nick, but also me just getting away from my ex-boyfriend. It was so easy to dive into each other and escape. So easy.
“I’m so sorry, Jordan,” Pike says. “Are you okay?”
I peer up at him.
“Sorry.” He falters, looking away. “It’s stupid to ask that now, I guess.”