Shadow Kiss – Vampire Academy #3

My words suddenly dropped off. It isn’t you. It was the same thing I’d said to Lissa when I watched, terrified, as she used her magic to torture Jesse. I’d stood there, unable to believe what she was doing. She hadn’t realized she’d lost control and was on the verge of becoming a monster. And now, looking into Dimtiri’s eyes, seeing his panic and love, I realized it was happening to me. I was the same as she’d been, so caught up, so blinded by irrational emotions that I didn’t even recognize my own actions. It was like I was being controlled by something else.

I tried to fight it off, to shake off the feelings burning through me. They were too strong. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let them go. They would take me over completely, just as they’d done to Anna and Ms. Karp.

“Rose,” said Dimitri. It was only my name, but it was so powerful, filled with so much. Dimitri had such absolute faith me, faith in my own strength and goodness. And he had strength too, a strength I could see he wasn’t afraid to lend me if I needed it. Deirdre might have been onto something about me resenting Lissa, but she was completely off about Dimitri. What we had was love. We were like two halves of a whole, always ready to support the other. Neither of us was perfect, but that didn’t matter. With him, I could defeat this rage that filled me. He believed I was stronger than it. And I was.

Slowly, slowly, I felt that darkness fade away. I stopped fighting him. My body trembled, but it was no longer with fury. It was fear. Dimitri immediately recognized the change and released his hold.

“Oh my God,” I said, voice shaking.

His hand touched the side of my face, fingers light on my cheek. “Rose,” he breathed. “Are you okay?”

I swallowed back more tears. “I… I think so. For now.”

“It’s over,” he said. He was still touching me, this time brushing the hair from my face. “It’s over. Everything’s all right.”

I shook my head. “No. It’s not. You…you don’t understand. It’s true – everything I was worried about. About Anna? About me taking away spirit’s craziness? It’s happening, Dimitri. Lissa lost it out there with Jesse. She was out of control, but I stopped her because I sucked away her anger and put it into myself. And it’s – it’s horrible. It’s like I’m, I don’t know, a puppet. I can’t control myself.”

“You’re strong,” he said. “It won’t happen again.”

“No,” I said. I could hear my voice cracking as I struggled to sit up. “It will happen again. I’m going to be like Anna. I’m going to get worse and worse. This time it was bloodlust and hate. I wanted to destroy them. I needed to destroy them. Next time? I don’t know. Maybe it’ll just be craziness, like Ms. Karp. Maybe I’m already crazy, and that’s why I’m seeing Mason. Maybe it’ll be depression like Lissa used to get. I’ll keep falling and falling into that pit, and then I’ll be like Anna and kill – “

“No,” Dimitri interrupted gently. He moved his face toward mine, our foreheads nearly touching. “It won’t happen to you. You’re too strong. You’ll fight it, just like you did this time.”

“I only did because you were here.” He wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his chest. “I can’t do it by myself,” I whispered.

“You can,” he said. There was a tremulous note in his voice. “You’re strong – you’re so, so strong. It’s why I love you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “You shouldn’t. I’m going to become something terrible. I might already be something terrible.” I thought back to past behaviors, the way I’d been snapping at everyone. The way I’d tried to scare Ryan and Camille.

Dimitri pulled away so that he could look me in the eyes. He cupped my face in his hands. “You aren’t. You won’t,” he said. “I won’t let you. No matter what, I won’t let you.”

Emotion filled my body again, but now it wasn’t hate or rage or anything like that. It was warm and wonderful and made my heart ache – in a good way. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and our lips met. The kiss was pure love, sweet and blissful, with no despair or darkness. Steadily, though, the intensity of our kissing increased. It was still filled with love but became much more – something hungry and powerful. The electricity that had crackled between us when I’d fought and held him down earlier returned, wrapping around us now.

It reminded me of the night we’d been under Victor’s lust spell, both of us driven by inner forces we couldn’t control. It was like we were starving or drowning, and only the other person could save us. I clung to him, one arm around his neck while my other hand gripped his back so hard that my nails practically dug in. He laid me back down on the bed. His hands wrapped around my waist, and then one of them slid down the back of my thigh and pulled it up so that it nearly wrapped around him.

At the same time, we both pulled back briefly, still oh so close. Everything in the world rested on that moment.

“We can’t…” he told me.

“I know,” I agreed.

Then his mouth was on mine again, and this time, I knew there would be no turning back. There were no walls this time. Our bodies wrapped together as he tried to get my coat off, then his shirt, then my shirt. … It really was a lot like when we’d fought out on the quad earlier – that same passion and heat. I think at the end of the day, the instincts that power fighting and sex aren’t so different. They all come from an animal side of us.

Yet, as more and more clothes came off, it went beyond just animal passion. It was sweet and wonderful at the same time. When I looked into his eyes, I could see without a doubt that he loved me more than anyone else in the world, that I was his salvation, the same way that he was mine. I’d never expected my first time to be in a cabin in the woods, but I realized the place didn’t matter. The person did. With someone you loved, you could be anywhere, and it would be incredible. Being in the most luxurious bed in the world wouldn’t matter if you were with someone you didn’t love.

And oh, I loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt. All of our clothes finally ended up in a pile on the floor, but the feel of his skin on mine was more than enough to keep me warm. I couldn’t tell where my body ended and his began, and I decided then that was how I always wanted it to be. I didn’t want us to ever be apart.

I wish I had the words to describe sex, but nothing I can say would really capture how amazing it was. I felt nervous, excited, and about a gazillion other things. Dimitri seemed so wise and skilled and infinitely patient – just like with our combat trainings. Following his lead seemed like a natural thing, but he was also more than willing to let me take control too. We were equals at last, and every touch held power, even the slightest brushing of his fingertips.

When it was over, I lay back against him. My body hurt…yet at the same time, it felt amazing, blissful and content. I wished I’d been doing this a long time ago, but I also knew it wouldn’t have been right until exactly this moment.

I rested my head on Dimitri’s chest, taking comfort in his warmth. He kissed my forehead and ran his fingers through my hair.

“I love you, Roza.” He kissed me again. “I’ll always be here for you. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

The words were wonderful and dangerous. He shouldn’t have said anything like that to me. He shouldn’t have been promising he’d protect me, not when he was supposed to dedicate his life to protecting Moroi like Lissa. I couldn’t be first in his heart, just like he couldn’t be first in mine. That was why I shouldn’t have said what I said next – but I did anyway.

“And I won’t let anything happen to you,” I promised. “I love you.” He kissed me again, swallowing off any other words I might have added.

We lay together for a while after that, wrapped in each other’s arms, not saying much. I could have stayed that way forever, but finally, we knew we had to go. The others would eventually come looking for us to get my report, and if they found us like that, things would almost certainly get ugly.

So we got dressed, which wasn’t easy since we kept stopping to kiss. Finally, reluctantly, we left the cabin. We held hands, knowing we could only do so for a few brief moments. Once we were closer to the heart of campus, we’d have to go back to business as usual. But for now, everything in the world was golden and wonderful. Every step I took was filled with joy, and the air around us seemed to hum.