She said nothing. I couldn’t imagine anything she would be frightened to ask at this point. Her heart sped again, and I groaned aloud. “I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse.”
“I’m glad you can’t read my thoughts,” she countered at once. “It’s bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking.”
Strange that this would be her one objection to my stalking, but I was too eager for her missing question, the one that made her heart race, to worry about that now.
“Please?” I pleaded.
Her hair brushed back and forth across my chest as she shook her head.
“If you don’t tell me, I’ll just assume it’s something much worse than it is.” I waited, but that bluff didn’t move her. In truth, I had no ideas, either trivial or dark. I tried begging again. “Please?”
“Well…” She hesitated, but at least she was talking. Or not. Silence fell again.
“Yes?” I prompted.
“You said… that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon.…” She trailed off, leaving me baffled again at her train of thought. Did she want an invitation?
“Is that… marriage… the same as it is for humans?”
Even as quickly as my brain worked, it took me a second to follow. It should have been more obvious. I needed to keep firmly in mind that nine times out of ten—in my experience with her, at least—whenever her heart started to race, it had nothing to do with fear. It was usually attraction. And should this train of thought be in any way shocking when I had just recently climbed into her bed with her?
I laughed at my own obtuseness. “Is that what you’re getting at?”
My question sounded light, but I could not help responding to the subject at hand. The electricity rioted through my body, and I had to resist the urge to reposition myself so that my lips could find hers. That wasn’t the right answer. It couldn’t be. Because there was an obvious second question following the first.
“Yes, I suppose it is much the same,” I answered. “I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires.”
“Oh.”
She didn’t continue. Maybe I was wrong.
“Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?”
She sighed. “Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday.…”
No, not wrong. The sudden grief felt like a weight pressing against my chest. How I wished I had a different answer to give her.
“I don’t think that… that…”—I avoided the word sex because she did—“would be possible for us.”
“Because it would be too hard for you?” she whispered. “If I were that… close?”
It was hard not to imagine.… I refocused.
“That’s certainly a problem,” I said slowly. “But that’s not what I was thinking of. It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.” I reached up carefully to lay my hand against her cheek. “If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn’t paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.”
Admitting to this obstacle seemed less shameful than confessing my thirst. After all, my strength was simply part of what I was. Well, my thirst was, too, but the intensity of it around her was unnatural. That aspect of myself felt indefensible, disgraceful. Even now that it was under control, I was mortified it existed.
She thought over my answer for a long time. Perhaps my wording was more frightening than I’d intended. But how would she understand if I edited the truth too much?
“Are you scared?” I asked.
Another pause.
“No,” she said slowly. “I’m fine.”
We were silent for another pensive moment. I wasn’t thrilled with where my thoughts went in her silence. Even though she’d told me so much about her own past that didn’t align… even though she’d introduced the topic with such bashfulness… I couldn’t help but wonder. And I knew well enough by now that if I ignored my intrusive curiosity, it would only begin to fester.
I tried to sound indifferent. “I’m curious now, though.… Have you ever…?”
“Of course not,” she answered at once, not angrily, but incredulously. “I told you I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, not even close.”
Did she think I hadn’t been paying attention?
“I know,” I assured her. “It’s just that I know other people’s thoughts. I know love and lust don’t always keep the same company.”
“They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all.”
Her use of the plural was a kind of acknowledgment. I knew that she loved me. The fact that we both also lusted was definitely going to complicate matters.
I decided to answer her next question before she could ask it. “That’s nice. We have that one thing in common, at least.”
She sighed, but it sounded like a pleased sigh.
“Your human instincts…,” she asked slowly. “Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?”
I laughed out loud at that. Was there any way in which I did not want her? Mind and soul and body, body no less than either of the others. I smoothed her hair against her neck.
“I may not be a human, but I am a man.”
She yawned, and I suppressed another laugh. “I’ve answered your questions, now you should sleep.”
“I’m not sure if I can.”
“Do you want me to leave?” I suggested, though I was extremely loath to do so.
“No!” In her outrage, her answer was much louder than the whispers we’d been using all night. No harm done; Charlie’s snores didn’t even stutter.
I laughed again, then pulled myself closer to her. With my lips against her ear, I began humming her song again, so quietly it was little more than a breath.
I could feel the difference when she crossed over into unconsciousness. All the alertness escaped her muscles, until they were loose and languid. Her breathing slowed and her hands curled together against her chest, almost as if in prayer.
I felt no desire to move. Ever again, in fact. I knew eventually she would begin to toss, and I would have to get out of her way so as not to wake her, but for now, nothing could be more perfect. I was still unused to this joy, and it didn’t really feel like something a person could get used to. I would embrace it for as long as that was possible, and know that no matter what happened in the future, just having this one paradisiacal day was worth any pain that might follow.
“Edward,” Bella whispered in her sleep. “Edward… I love you.”
19. HOME
I WONDERED IF I WOULD EVER SPEND A NIGHT HAPPIER THAN THIS ONE. I doubted it.
As she slept, Bella told me again and again that she loved me. More than the words themselves, the sound of perfect bliss in her tone was all I could ever want. I made her truly happy. Did that not excuse everything else?
Eventually, in the very early morning, she settled into deeper sleep. I knew she wouldn’t speak again. After finishing her book—one of my favorites now, too—I’d thought mostly about the day ahead, about Alice’s vision of Bella visiting my family. Though I’d seen it clearly in Alice’s head, it was hard to believe. Would Bella want that? Did I?
I considered Alice’s fairly well-developed friendship with Bella, of which Bella was completely ignorant. Now that I felt assured about the future I was pursuing—and the likelihood of it happening—it did feel a little cruel to keep Alice away from her. What would Bella think of Emmett? I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he would behave himself. He would find it hilarious to say something off-putting or frightening. Maybe, if I promised him something he wanted… A wrestling match? A football game? There had to be a price he’d accept. I’d already seen how Jasper would keep his distance, but had Alice thought to tell him that, or was her vision contingent on my action? Of course, Bella had met Carlisle, but it would be something different now. I found that the idea of Bella spending time with Carlisle was appealing to me. He was the very best of us. It could only make her think more highly of us all to know him better. And then, Esme would be ecstatic to meet Bella. The thought of Esme’s pleasure almost had my mind made up.
There was just the one obstacle, really.
Rosalie.
I realized there was prep work I absolutely had to accomplish before I could even think of bringing Bella home. And that meant leaving her.
I gazed at her now, deep in her dreams. I’d moved to the floor beside her bed when she’d begun her nightly gyrations. I leaned against the edge of the mattress, one hand outstretched, a lock of her hair wrapped around my finger. I sighed and untangled myself. It had to be done. She would never know I’d left. But I would miss her for even this short interlude.
I hurried home, hoping to conclude my tasks in the briefest time possible.
Alice had done her part, as usual. Most of the things I wanted to accomplish were just details. Alice knew which were most vital, and sure enough, Rosalie was waiting on the front porch, perched on the top step of the stairs, as I ran up to the house.
Alice had not told her much. Rosalie’s face was a little confused when I first spotted her, as if she had no idea what she was waiting for. As soon as she caught sight of me, her confusion turned to a scowl.
Oh, what now!
“Rose, please,” I called to her. “Can we talk?”
I should have realized Alice was just helping you.
“And herself, a little.”
Rosalie stood up, brushing her jeans off.
“Please, Rose?”
Fine! Fine. Say what you have to say.
I swept my arm out as an invitation. “Come for a walk with me?”
She pursed her lips but nodded. I led the way around the house, to the edge of the night-black river. At first we were silent as we paced north along the bank. There was no sound but the gush of the water.
It was by design I’d chosen this path. I hoped it would remind her of the day I’d been thinking of earlier, the day she’d brought Emmett home. The first time we’d found common ground.
“Can we get on with this?” she complained.
Though she sounded only irritated, I could hear more in her head. She was nervous. Still afraid that I was angry about her bet? A little ashamed of that, I thought.
“I want to ask you a favor,” I told her. “It won’t be easy for you, I know.”
This was not the direction she’d been expecting. My gentle tone only made her angrier, though.
You want me to be nice to the human, she guessed.
“Yes. You don’t have to like her, if you’d rather not. But she’s part of my life, and that makes her part of your life, too. I know you didn’t ask for this, and you don’t want it.”
No, I do not, she agreed.
“You didn’t ask my permission to bring Emmett home,” I reminded her.
She sniffed derisively. That’s different.
“More permanent, certainly.”
Rosalie stopped walking, and I paused with her. She stared at me, surprised and suspicious.
What do you mean by that? Aren’t you talking about permanence?
Her thoughts were so caught up with these questions, it took me by surprise when she spoke to a different subject.
“Did you feel harmed when I chose Emmett? Did that injure you in any way?”
“Of course not. You chose very well.”
She sniffed again, unimpressed with my flattery.
“Could you give me the chance to prove that I have, too?”
Rosalie spun away from me, striding north again, breaking a path now through the untamed forest.
I can’t look at her. When I look at her, I can’t see her as a person. I just see awaste.
Against my intentions, I felt my anger flare. I bit back a growl, and tried to compose myself. Rosalie glanced over her shoulder and saw the change in my expression. She paused again, swinging around to face me. Her features softened.
Iam sorry. I don’t mean that to sound so cruel. I just can’t… I can’t watch her do this. “She’s got a chance for everything, Edward,” Rosalie whispered, her whole body rigid with intensity. “A whole life of possibilities ahead of her, and she’s going to waste it all. Everything I lost. I can’t bear to watch it.”
I stared back at her, shaken.
I’d been annoyed by Rosalie’s strange jealousy, which indeed had roots in my preference for Bella. That part was all so petty. But this was something different, so much deeper. I felt that I understood her now for the first time since I’d saved Bella’s life.
I reached out carefully to place my hand on her arm, expecting she would shake it off. But she just stood very still.
“I’m not going to let that happen,” I promised, matching her intensity.
She examined my face for a long moment. Then she pictured Bella in her mind. It wasn’t the perfect representation of Alice’s visions, more of a caricature, really. But it was clear what she meant. Bella’s skin was white, her eyes bright red. The image was flavored with heavy disgust.
This is not your goal?
I shook my head, just as disgusted. “No. No, I want her to have everything. I won’t take anything away from her, Rose. Do you understand? I won’t hurt her that way.”
She was unsettled now, too. But… how do you see that… working?
I shrugged, feigning a nonchalance I didn’t feel. “How long until she grows bored with a seventeen-year-old? Do you think I can keep her interested until she’s twenty-three? Maybe twenty-five? Eventually… she’ll move on.” I tried to control my face, to hide what the words cost me, but she saw through me.
This is a dangerous game you’re playing, Edward.
“I’ll find a way to survive. After she goes…” I flinched, my hand falling to my side.
“That’s not what I meant,” she said. Look, you’re not up to my personal standards, but there’s not a human man alive who can compare with you, and you know it.
I shook my head. “Someday she’ll want more than I can give her.” There was so much I couldn’t give her. “You would have wanted more, wouldn’t you? If you were in her position, and Emmett in mine?”
Rosalie took my question seriously, thinking it through. She imagined Emmett just as he was now, his easy smile, his hands held out to her. She saw herself human again, still lovely but less remarkable, reaching back to him. Then she imagined her human self turning away from him. Neither image seemed to satisfy her.
But I know what I lost, she thought, her tone subdued. I don’t think she’ll see it that way. “I’m going to sound like an octogenarian now,” she continued aloud, the faintest hint of levity suddenly in her voice. “But… you know kids these days.” She smiled weakly. “All about the here and now, no thought for five years into the future, let alone fifty. What will you do when she asks you to change her?”
“I’ll tell her why it’s wrong. I’ll tell her everything she’ll lose.”
And when shebegs?
I hesitated, thinking of Alice’s vision of a grieving Bella, her hollow cheeks, her body curled in on itself in agony. What if my presence, and not my absence, were the reason she felt that way? I imagined her full of Rosalie’s bitterness.
“I’ll refuse.”
Rose heard the iron in my tone, and I could see that she finally understood my resolve. She nodded to herself.
I still think it’s too dangerous. I’m not sure you’re that strong.
She turned around and started walking slowly back toward the house. I kept pace with her.
“Your life isn’t what you wanted,” I began quietly. “But in the last seventy years or so, would you say you’ve had at least five years of pure happiness?”
Flashes of the best parts of her life, all of them revolving around Emmett, moved through her head, though I could see that, obstinate as ever, she didn’t want to agree with me.
I smiled halfheartedly. “Ten years, even?”
She wouldn’t answer me.
“Let me have my five years, Rosalie,” I whispered. “I know it can’t last. Let me be happy while happiness is possible. Be part of that happiness. Be my sister, and if you can’t love my choice the way I love yours, can you at least pretend to tolerate her?”
My words, gentle and quiet, seemed to hit her like bricks. Her shoulders were suddenly stiff, brittle.
I’m not sure what I can do. Seeing everything I want… out of my reach… It’s too painful.
It would be painful for her, I knew that. But I also knew that her regret and sorrow wouldn’t equal even a fraction of the anguish that was waiting for me. Rosalie’s life would go back to what it was now. Emmett would be there throughout to comfort her. But I… I would lose everything.
“Will you try?” I demanded, my voice sterner than before.
Her walk slowed for a few seconds, and her eyes were on her feet. Finally, her shoulders slumped and she nodded. I can try.
“There’s a chance… Alice saw Bella coming to the house in the morning.”
Her eyes flashed up, angry again. I need more time than that.
I held my hands up, placating. “Take the time you need.”
It made me sad, and tired, to see that her eyes were suspicious again. Maybe she wasn’t strong enough. She seemed to feel the judgment in my gaze. She looked away, then suddenly ran for the house. I let her go.
My other errands did not take so long, nor were they as difficult. Jasper agreed easily to my request. My mother was glowing with happy anticipation. What I’d wanted from Emmett no longer applied; it was clear he’d be with Rosalie, and she’d be somewhere far from here.
Well, it was a start. At least I’d gotten Rose to promise to try.
I even took a second to put on fresh clothes. Though the sleeveless shirt Alice had given me long ago had not brought about any of the miseries I’d feared—and had brought some pleasures I hadn’t anticipated—I still found it strangely distasteful. I was more comfortable in my usual clothes.