Jessica’s eyes popped even wider, but she did not flinch or take a step back as I expected. Though she’d often found me alluring in the past, she’d always kept a safe distance before, the way all our admirers unconsciously did. It was strange and amusing… and, honestly, a bit embarrassing… to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed as though no one was afraid of me anymore. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.
“Er… hi,” Jessica mumbled, and her eyes flashed to Bella’s face, full of significance. “I guess I’ll see you in Trig.”
You are so going to spill. Details. I have to have details! Edward freaking CULLEN!!
Bella’s mouth twitched. “Yeah, I’ll see you then.”
Jessica’s thoughts ran wild as she hurried to her first class, peeking back at us now and then.
The whole story. I’m not accepting anything less. Did they plan to meet up last night? Are they dating? How long? How could she keep this a secret? Why would shewant to? It can’t be a casual thing—she has to be seriously into him. I will find out. I wonder if she’s made out with him? Oh, swoon.… Jessica’s thoughts were suddenly disjointed, and she let wordless fantasies swirl through her head. I winced at her speculations, and not just because she’d replaced Bella with herself in the mental pictures.
It couldn’t be like that. And yet I… I wanted…
I resisted making the admission, even to myself. In how many wrong ways would I want Bella? Which one would end up killing her?
I shook my head and tried to lighten up.
“What are you going to tell her?” I asked Bella.
“Hey!” she whispered fiercely. “I thought you couldn’t read my mind!”
“I can’t.” I stared at her, surprised, trying to make sense of her words. Ah—we must have been thinking the same thing at the same time. “However,” I told her, “I can read hers—she’ll be waiting to ambush you in class.”
Bella groaned, and then let the jacket slide off her shoulders. I didn’t realize that she was giving it back at first—I wouldn’t have asked for it; I would rather she kept it… a token—so I was too slow to offer her my help. She handed me the jacket and put her arms through her own.
“So, what are you going to tell her?” I pressed.
“A little help? What does she want to know?”
I smiled, and shook my head. I wanted to hear what she was thinking without a prompt. “That’s not fair.”
Her eyes tightened. “No, you not sharing what you know—now that’s not fair.”
Right—she didn’t like double standards.
“She wants to know if we’re secretly dating,” I said slowly. “And she wants to know how you feel about me.”
Her eyebrows shot up—not startled, but ingenuous now. Playing innocent.
“Yikes,” she murmured. “What should I say?”
“Hmmm.” She always tried to make me give away more than she did. I pondered how to respond.
A wayward lock of her hair, slightly damp from the fog, draped across her shoulder and curled around the place where her collarbone was hidden by the ridiculous sweater. It drew my eyes, pulled them across the other hidden lines.…
I reached for it carefully, not touching her skin—the morning was chill enough without my touch—and twisted it back into place in her untidy bun so that it wouldn’t distract me again. I remembered when Mike Newton had touched her hair, and my jaw flexed at the memory. She had flinched away from him then. Her reaction now was nothing the same; instead, there was a rush of blood under her skin, and a sudden, uneven thumping of her heart.
I tried to hide my smile as I answered her question.
“I suppose you could say yes to the first… if you don’t mind.” Her choice, always her choice. “It’s easier than any other explanation.”
“I don’t mind,” she whispered. Her heart had not found its normal rhythm yet.
“And as for her other question…” I couldn’t hide my smile now. “Well, I’ll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself.”
Let Bella consider that. I held back my laugh as shock crossed her face.
I turned quickly, before she could ask any more questions. I had a difficult time not giving her whatever she asked for. And I wanted to hear her thoughts, not mine.
“I’ll see you at lunch,” I called back to her over my shoulder, an excuse to check that she was still staring after me. Her mouth was hanging open. I turned again and laughed.
As I paced away, I was vaguely aware of the shocked and speculative thoughts that swirled around me—eyes bouncing back and forth between Bella’s face and my retreating figure. I paid them little attention. I couldn’t concentrate. It was hard enough to keep my feet moving at an acceptable speed as I crossed the soggy grass to my first class. I wanted to run—really run, so fast that I would disappear, so fast that it would feel like flying. Part of me was flying already.
I put the jacket on when I got to class, letting her fragrance swim thick around me. I would burn now—let the scent desensitize me—and it would be easier to ignore it later, when I was with her again at lunch.
It was a good thing that my teachers no longer bothered to call on me. Today might have been the day they caught me out, unprepared and answerless. My mind was in so many places this morning; only my body was in the classroom.
Of course I was watching Bella. That was becoming natural—as automatic as breathing, something I barely thought about consciously. I heard her conversation with a demoralized Mike Newton. She quickly directed the conversation to Jessica, and I grinned so wide that Rob Sawyer, who sat at the desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat, away from me.
Ugh. Creepy.
Well, I hadn’t lost it entirely.
I was also loosely monitoring Jessica, watching her refine her questions for Bella. I could barely wait for fourth period, ten times as eager and anxious as the curious human girl who wanted fresh gossip.
And I was listening to Angela Weber.
I had not forgotten the gratitude I felt to her—for thinking nothing but kind things toward Bella in the first place, and then for her help last night. So I waited through the morning, looking for something she wanted. I assumed it would be easy; like any other human, she must desire some bauble or toy. Several, probably. I would deliver something anonymously and call us even.
But Angela proved almost as unaccommodating as Bella with her thoughts. She was oddly content for a teenager. Happy. Perhaps this was the reason for her unusual kindness—she was one of those rare people who had what she wanted and wanted what she had. If she wasn’t paying attention to her teachers and her notes, she was thinking of the twin little brothers she was taking to the beach this weekend—anticipating their excitement with almost maternal pleasure. She cared for them often, but was not resentful of this fact. It was very sweet.
But not really helpful to me.
There had to be something she wanted. I would just have to keep looking. But later. It was time for Bella’s Trigonometry class with Jessica.
I wasn’t watching where I was going as I made my way to English. Jessica was already in her seat, both her feet tapping impatiently as she waited for Bella to arrive.
Conversely, once I settled into my assigned seat in the classroom, I became utterly still. I had to remind myself to fidget now and then to keep up the charade. It was difficult; my thoughts were so focused on Jessica’s. I hoped she would pay attention, really try to read Bella’s face for me.
Jessica’s tapping intensified when Bella walked into the room.
She looks… glum. Why? Maybe there’s nothing going on with Edward Cullen. That would be a disappointment. Except… then he’s still available.… If he’s suddenly interested in dating, I don’t mind helping out with that.
Bella’s face didn’t look glum, it looked reluctant. She was worried—she knew I would hear all of this.
“Tell me everything!”Jess demanded while Bella was still removing her jacket to hang it on the back of her seat. She was moving with deliberation, unwillingly.
Ugh, she’s so slow. Let’s get to the juicy stuff!
“What do you want to know?”Bella stalled as she took her seat.
“What happened last night?”
“He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home.”
And then? C’mon, there has to be more than that! She’s lying anyway, I know that. I’m going to call her on it.
“How did you get home so fast?”
I watched Bella roll her eyes at the suspicious Jessica.
“He drives like a maniac. It was terrifying.”
She smiled a tiny smile, and I laughed out loud, interrupting Mr. Mason’s announcements. I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one was fooled. Mr. Mason shot me an irritated look, but I didn’t even bother to listen to the thought behind it. I was hearing Jessica.
Huh. She sounds like she’s telling the truth. Why is she making me pull this out of her, word by word? I would be bragging at the top of my lungs.
“Was it like a date—did you tell him to meet you there?”
Jessica watched confusion cross Bella’s expression, and was disappointed at how genuine it seemed.
“No—I was very surprised to see him there,” Bella told her.
What is going on? “But he picked you up for school today?” There has to be more to the story.
“Yes—that was a surprise, too. He noticed I didn’t have a jacket last night.”
That’s not very much fun, Jessica thought, disappointed again.
I was tired of her line of questioning—I wanted to hear something I didn’t already know. I hoped she wasn’t so dissatisfied that she would skip the questions I was waiting for.
“So are you going out again?”Jessica demanded.
“He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks my truck isn’t up to it—does that count?”
Hmm. He sure is going out of his way to… well, take care of her, sort of. There must be something there on his side if not on hers. How could THAT be? Bella’s crazy.
“Yes.”Jessica answered Bella’s question.
“Well, then, yes,” Bella concluded.
“Wow… Edward Cullen.” Whether she likes him or not, this is major.
“I know,” Bella sighed.
The tone of her voice encouraged Jessica. Finally—she sounds like she gets it!
I wondered if Jessica was reading Bella’s tone correctly. I wished she would ask Bella to explain what she meant, instead of assuming.
“Wait!”Jessica said, suddenly remembering her most vital question. “Has he kissed you?” Please say yes. And then describe every second!
“No,” Bella mumbled, and then she looked down at her hands, her face falling. “It’s not like that.”
Damn. I wish… ha. Looks like she does, too.
I frowned. Bella did look upset about something, but it couldn’t be disappointment, as Jessica assumed. She couldn’t want that. Not knowing what she knew. She couldn’t want to be that close to my teeth. For all she knew, I had fangs.
I shuddered.
“Do you think Saturday…?”Jessica prodded.
Bella looked even more frustrated as she said, “I really doubt it.”
Yeah, she does wish. That sucks for her.
Was it because I was watching all this through the filter of Jessica’s perceptions that it seemed as though she was right?
For a half second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try to kiss Bella. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk.…
And then she dies.
I shook my head, wincing, and refocused.
“What did you talk about?”Did you talk to him, or did you make him drag every ounce of information out of you, like this?
I smiled ruefully. Jessica wasn’t far off.
“I don’t know, Jess, lots of stuff. We talked about the English essay a little.”
A very little. I smiled wider.
Oh, c’MON. “Please, Bella! Give me some details.”
Bella deliberated for a moment.
“Well… okay, I’ve got one. You should have seen the waitress flirting with him—it was over the top. But he didn’t pay any attention to her at all.”
What a strange detail to share. I was surprised Bella had even noticed. It seemed an inconsequential thing.
Interesting.… “That’s a good sign. Was she pretty?”
Hmm. Jessica thought more of it than I did.
“Very,” Bella told her. “And probably nineteen or twenty.”
Jessica was momentarily distracted by a memory of Mike on their date Monday night—Mike being a little too friendly with a waitress whom Jessica did not consider pretty at all. She shoved the memory away and, stifling her irritation, returned to her quest for details.
“Even better. He must like you.”
“I think so,” Bella said slowly, and I was on the edge of my seat, my body rigidly still. “But it’s hard to tell. He’s always so cryptic.”
I must not have been as transparently obvious and out of control as I’d thought. Still, observant as she was… how could she not realize that I was in love with her? I sifted through our conversation, almost surprised that I hadn’t said the words out loud. It had felt as though that knowledge was the subtext of every communication between us.
Wow. How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation?“I don’t know how you’re brave enough to be alone with him,” Jessica said.
Shock flashed across Bella’s face. “Why?”
Weird reaction. What does she think I meant? “He’s so…” What’s the right word? “Intimidating. I wouldn’t know what to say to him.” I couldn’t even speak English to him today, and all he said was good morning. I must have sounded like such an idiot.
Bella smiled. “I do have some trouble with incoherency when I’m around him.”
She must be trying to make Jessica feel better. She was almost unnaturally self-possessed when we were together.
“Oh well,” Jessica sighed. “He is unbelievably gorgeous.”
Bella’s face was suddenly colder. Her eyes flashed the same way they did when she resented some injustice. Jessica didn’t process the change in her expression.
“There’s a lot more to him than that,” Bella snapped.
Oooh. Now we’re getting somewhere. “Really? Like what?”
Bella gnawed her lip for a moment. “I can’t explain it right,” she finally said. “But he’s even more unbelievable behind the face.” She looked away from Jessica, her eyes slightly unfocused, as if she was staring at something very far away.
I was reminded of how it felt when Carlisle or Esme praised me beyond what I deserved. This emotion was similar, but more intense, more consuming.
Sell stupid somewhere else—there’snothing better than that face! Unless it’s his body. Swoon. “Is that possible?” Jessica giggled.
Bella didn’t turn. She continued to stare into the distance, ignoring Jessica.
A normal person would be gloating. Maybe if I keep the questions simple. Ha ha. Like I’m talking to a kindergartener. “So you like him, then?”
I was rigid again.
Bella didn’t look at Jessica. “Yes.”
“I mean, do youreally like him?”
“Yes.”
Look at that blush!
“Howmuch do you like him?” Jessica demanded.
The English room could have gone up in flames and I wouldn’t have noticed.
Bella’s face was bright red now—I could almost feel the heat from the mental picture.
“Too much,” she whispered. “More than he likes me. But I don’t see how I can help that.”
Shoot! What did Mr. Varner just ask? “Um—which number, Mr. Varner?”
It was good that Jessica could no longer quiz Bella. I needed a minute.
What on earth was the girl thinking now? “More than he likes me”? How did she come up with that? “But I don’t see how I can help that”? What was that supposed to mean? I couldn’t fit a rational explanation to the words. They were practically senseless.
It seemed I couldn’t take anything for granted. Obvious things, things that made perfect sense, somehow got twisted up and turned backward in that bizarre brain of hers.
I glared at the clock, gritting my teeth. How could mere minutes feel so impossibly long to an immortal? Where was my perspective?
My jaw was tight throughout Mr. Varner’s entire Trigonometry lesson. I heard more of that than the lecture in my own class. Bella and Jessica didn’t speak again, but Jessica peeked at Bella several times, and once noticed that her face was brilliant scarlet again for no apparent reason.
Lunch couldn’t come fast enough.
I wasn’t sure whether Jessica would get some of the answers I was waiting for when the class was over, but Bella was quicker than she was.
As soon as the bell sounded, Bella turned to Jessica.
“In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night,” Bella said, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I understood this for what is was—offense as the best defense.
Mike asked about me?Joy made Jessica’s mind suddenly unguarded, softer, without its usual snide edge. “You’re kidding! What did you say?”
That was all I was going to get from Jessica today, clearly. Bella was smiling as though she was thinking the same thing. As though she’d won the round.
Well, lunch would be another story.
I moved apathetically through Gym class with Alice, the way we always moved when it came to physical activity with humans. She was my teammate, naturally. No one human would ever choose to partner with one of us. It was the first day of badminton. I sighed with boredom, swinging the racket in slow motion to tap the birdie back to the other side. Lauren Mallory was on the other team; she missed. Alice was twirling her racket like a baton, staring at the ceiling. She took a step closer to the net, and Lauren flinched two steps back.
We all hated Gym, Emmett especially. Throwing games was an affront to his personal philosophy. Gym seemed worse today than usual—I felt just as irritated as Emmett always did. Before my head could explode with impatience, Coach Clapp called the games and sent us out early. I was ridiculously grateful that he’d skipped breakfast—a fresh attempt to diet—and the consequent hunger had him in a hurry to leave campus to find a greasy lunch somewhere. He promised himself he would start over tomorrow.…
This gave me enough time to get to the math building before Bella’s class ended.
Enjoy yourself, Alice thought as she headed off to meet Jasper. Just a few days more to be patient. I suppose you won’t say hi to Bella for me, will you?
I shook my head, exasperated. Were all psychics so smug?
FYI, it’s going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend. You might want to rearrange your plans.
I sighed as I continued in the opposite direction. Smug, but definitely useful.
I leaned against the wall by the door, waiting. I was close enough that I could hear Jessica’s voice through the bricks as well as her thoughts.
“You’re not sitting with us today, are you?” She looks all… lit up. I bet there’s tons she didn’t tell me.
“I don’t think so,” Bella answered, oddly unsure.
Hadn’t I promised to spend lunch with her? What was she thinking?
They came out of the classroom together, and both girls’ eyes widened when they saw me. But I could only hear Jessica.
Nice. Wow. Oh yeah, there’s more going on here than she’s telling me.
“See you later, Bella.”
Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure. Her skin was pink across her cheekbones.
I knew her well enough now to be sure that there was no fear behind her hesitation. Apparently, this was about some gulf she imagined between her feelings and mine. More than he likes me. Absurd!
“Hello,” I said, my voice a tad curt.
Her face got brighter pink. “Hi.”
She didn’t seem inclined to say anything else, so I led the way to the cafeteria and she walked silently beside me.
The jacket had worked—her scent was not the blow it usually was. It was just an intensification of the pain I already felt. I could ignore it more easily than I once would have believed possible.
Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with the zipper on her jacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot. She glanced at me often, but whenever she met my gaze, she looked down as if embarrassed. Was this because so many people were staring at us? Maybe she could hear the loud whispers—the gossip was verbal as well as mental today.
Or maybe she realized from my expression that I was going to want some explanations.
She didn’t say anything until I was assembling her lunch. I didn’t know what she liked—not yet—so I grabbed one of everything.
“What are you doing?” she hissed in a low voice. “You’re not getting all that for me?”
I shook my head, and shoved the tray up to the register. “Half is for me, of course.”
She raised one eyebrow skeptically, but said nothing more as I paid for the food and escorted her to the table we’d sat at last week. It seemed like much more than a few days ago. Everything was different now.
She sat across from me again. I pushed the tray toward her.
“Take whatever you want,” I encouraged.
She picked up an apple and twisted it in her hands, a speculative look on her face.
“I’m curious.”
What a surprise.
“What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?” she continued in a low voice that wouldn’t carry to human ears. Immortal ears were another matter, if those ears were paying attention. I frowned.
“You’re always curious,” I complained. Oh well. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t had to eat before. It was part of the charade. An unpleasant part.
I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bit off a small piece of whatever it was. Without looking, I couldn’t tell. It was as slimy and chunky and repulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly and swallowed, trying to keep the grimace off my face. The gob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat. I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it back up later. Disgusting.
Bella’s expression was shocked. Impressed.
I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions. “If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn’t you?”
Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. “I did once… on a dare. It wasn’t so bad.”
I laughed. “I suppose I’m not surprised.”
How could he? That selfish jackass! How could he do this to us?Rosalie’s piercing mental shriek broke through my humor.
“Easy, Rose,” I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria. His arm was around her shoulders, holding her tight into his side—restraining her.
Sorry, Edward, Alice thought guiltily. She could tell Bella knew too much from your conversation… and, well, it would have been worse if I hadn’t told her the truth right away. Trust me on that.
I winced at the mental picture that followed, at what would have happened if I’d admitted to Rosalie that Bella knew I was a vampire when we were at home, where Rosalie didn’t have a façade to keep up. I’d have to hide my Aston Martin somewhere out of state if she didn’t calm down by the time school was over. The sight of my favorite car, mangled and burning, was upsetting—though I knew I’d earned the retribution.
Jasper was not much happier.
I’d deal with the others later. I only had so much time allotted to be with Bella, and I wasn’t going to waste it.
Edward and Bella look cozy, don’t they?As I tried to ignore Rosalie, Jessica’s thoughts intruded. This time I didn’t mind the interruption. Good body language. I’ll give Bella my take later. He’s leaning toward her just the way he should if he’s interested. He looks interested. He looks… perfect. Jessica sighed. Yum.
I met Jessica’s curious eyes, and she looked away nervously, cringing back into her seat. Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy.…
Little time had passed, but Bella had noticed my abstraction.
“Jessica’s analyzing everything I do,” I said, using the lesser distraction as my excuse. “She’ll break it down for you later.”
Rosalie’s outrage continued, a caustic inner monologue that barely paused for a second or two as she searched her memory for fresh insults to hurl my way. I forced the sound into the background, determined to be present with Bella.
I pushed the plate of food back toward Bella—pizza, I realized—wondering how best to begin. My former frustration flared as her words repeated in my head: More than he likes me. But I don’t see how I can help that.
She took a bite from the same slice of pizza. It amazed me how trusting she was. Of course, she didn’t know I was venomous—not that sharing food would hurt her. Still, I expected her to treat me differently. As something other. She never did.
I would start off gently.
“So the waitress was pretty, was she?”
She raised the eyebrow again. “You really didn’t notice?”
As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella. Absurd, again.
“No. I wasn’t paying attention. I had a lot on my mind.”
“Poor girl,” Bella said, smiling.
She liked that I hadn’t found the waitress interesting in any way. I could understand that. How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the Biology room?
But she couldn’t honestly believe that her human feelings, the fruition of seventeen short mortal years, could be stronger than this demolition ball of emotion that had wrecked me after a century of emptiness?
“Something you said to Jessica…” I couldn’t keep my voice casual. “Well, it bothers me.”
She was immediately on the defensive. “I’m not surprised you heard something you didn’t like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers.”
Eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves, that was the saying.
“I warned you I would be listening,” I reminded her.
“And I warned you that you didn’t want to know everything I was thinking.”
Ah, she was thinking of when I’d made her cry. Remorse made my voice thicker. “You did. You aren’t precisely right, though. I do want to know what you’re thinking—everything. I just wish… that you wouldn’t be thinking some things.”
More half lies. I knew I shouldn’t want her to care about me. But I did. Of course I did.
“That’s quite a distinction,” she grumbled, scowling at me.
“But that’s not really the point at the moment.”
“Then what is?”
She leaned toward me, her hand cupped lightly around her throat. It drew my eye—distracted me. How soft that skin must feel…
Focus, I commanded myself.
“Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?” I asked. The question sounded ridiculous to me, as though the words were scrambled.
She froze for a moment; even her breathing stopped. Then she looked away, blinking quickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.
“You’re doing it again,” she murmured.
“What?”
“Dazzling me,” she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.
“Oh.” I wasn’t quite sure what to do about that. I was still thrilled that I could dazzle her. But it wasn’t helping the progress of the conversation.
“It’s not your fault.” She sighed. “You can’t help it.”
“Are you going to answer the question?” I demanded.
She stared at the table. “Yes.”
That was all she said.
“Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?” I asked impatiently.
“Yes, I really think that,” she said without looking up. There was a faint undertone of gloom in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously to worry her lip.
Abruptly, I realized that this was very hard for her to admit, because she truly believed it. And I was no better than that coward, Mike, asking her to confirm her feelings before I’d confirmed my own. It didn’t matter that I felt I’d made my side abundantly clear. It hadn’t gotten through to her, and so I had no excuse.
“You’re wrong,” I promised. She must hear the tenderness in my voice.
Bella looked up to me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. “You can’t know that,” she whispered.
“What makes you think so?” I wondered. I inferred that she thought I was underestimating her feelings because I couldn’t hear her thoughts. But, in truth, the problem was that she was grossly underestimating mine.
She stared back at me, furrowing her brows, teeth against her lip. For the millionth time, I wished desperately that I could just hear her.
As I was about to start begging, she held up a finger to keep me from speaking.
“Let me think,” she requested.
As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts, I could be patient.
Or I could pretend to be.
She pressed her hands together, twining and untwining her slender fingers. She watched her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke.
“Well, aside from the obvious,” she murmured. “Sometimes… I can’t be sure—I don’t know how to read minds—but sometimes it seems like you’re trying to say goodbye when you’re saying something else.” She didn’t look up.
She’d caught that, had she? Did she realize that it was only weakness and selfishness that kept me here? Did she think less of me for that?
“Perceptive,” I breathed, and then watched in horror as pain twisted her expression. I hurried to contradict her assumption. “That’s exactly why you’re wrong, though—” I began, and then paused, remembering the first words of her explanation. They bothered me, though I didn’t understand them. “What do you mean, ‘the obvious’?”
“Well, look at me,” she said.
I was looking. All I ever did was look at her.
“I’m absolutely ordinary,” she explained. “Well, except for the bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled. And look at you.” She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious it wasn’t worth spelling out.
She thought she was ordinary? She thought that I was somehow preferable to her? In whose estimation? Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms. Cope? How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful… the most exquisite…? Those words weren’t even enough.
And she had no idea.
“You don’t see yourself very clearly, you know,” I told her. “I’ll admit you’re dead-on about the bad things.…” I laughed humorlessly. I did not find the evil fate who hunted her comical. The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Sweet. Would she believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out? Perhaps she would find corroboration more persuasive. “But you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day.”
Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts. The speed with which they’d turned to impossible fantasies. Impossible, because she wanted none of them.
I was the one she said yes to.
My smile must have been smug.
Her face was blank with surprise. “I don’t believe it,” she mumbled.
“Trust me just this once—you are the opposite of ordinary.”
She wasn’t used to compliments, I could see that. She flushed, and changed the subject. “But I’m not saying goodbye.”
“Don’t you see? That’s what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it…” Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved a life. Not what Alice had seen coming for her. “If leaving is the right thing to do…” And it had to be the right thing, didn’t it? Bella didn’t belong with me. She’d done nothing to deserve my underworld. “Then I’ll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.”
As I said the words, I willed them to be true.
She glared at me. Somehow, my words had angered her. “And you don’t think I would do the same?” she demanded furiously.
So furious—so soft and fragile. How could she ever hurt anyone? “You’d never have to make the choice,” I told her, depressed anew by the vast difference between us.
She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out the little pucker between them.
There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone so good and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble.
Well, I thought with dark humor, at least she has a guardian vampire.
I smiled. How I loved my excuse to stay. “Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence.”
She smiled, too. “No one has tried to do away with me today,” she said lightly, and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again.
“Yet,” I added dryly.
“Yet,” she agreed—to my surprise. I’d expected her to deny any need for protection.
Across the cafeteria, Rosalie’s complaints were gaining in volume rather than dwindling.
Sorry, Alice thought again. She must have seen me wince.
But hearing her reminded me that I had some business to attend to.
“I have another question for you,” I said.
“Shoot,” Bella said, smiling.