“Of course we did. But do you know what it felt like to look Rhys in the eye and tell him I had no idea where you were? To realize—for myself—that you had vanished, and likely duped me into enabling it?” She scrubbed at her filthy face, smearing the mud and gore further. “I thought you were smarter than that. Better than that sort of thing.”
The words sent a line of fire searing across my vision, burning down my spine. “I’m not going to listen to this.”
I turned to leave, but Mor was already there, gripping my arm. “Oh, yes, you are. Rhys might be all smiles and forgiveness, but you still have us to answer to. You are my High Lady. Do you understand what it means when you imply you don’t trust us to help you? To respect your wishes if you want to do something alone? When you lie to us?”
“You want to talk about lying?” I didn’t even know what came out of my mouth. I wished I’d killed Ianthe myself, if only to get rid of the rage that writhed along my bones. “How about the fact that you lie to yourself and all of us every single day?”
She went still, but didn’t loosen her hold on my arm. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Why haven’t you ever made a move for Azriel, Mor? Why did you invite Helion to your bed? You clearly found no pleasure in it—I saw the way you looked the next day. So before you accuse me of being a liar, I’d suggest you look long and hard at yourself—”
“That’s enough.”
“Is it? Don’t like someone pushing you about it? About your choices? Well, neither do I.”
Mor dropped my arm. “Get out.”
“Fine.”
I didn’t glance back as I left. I wondered if she could hear my thunderous heartbeat with every storming step I took through the muddy camp.
Amren found me within twenty steps, a wrapped bundle in her arms. “Every time you lot leave me at home, someone manages to get gutted.”
CHAPTER
62
I couldn’t bring myself to smile at Amren. I could barely keep my chin high.
She peered behind me, as if she could see the path I’d taken from Mor’s tent, smell the fight on me. “Be careful,” Amren warned as I fell into step beside her, heading for our tent again, “of how you push her. There are some truths that even Morrigan has not herself faced.”
The hot anger was swiftly slipping into something cold and queasy and heavy.
“We all fight from time to time, girl,” Amren said. “Both of you should cool your heels. Talk tomorrow.”
“Fine.”
Amren shot me a sharp look, her hair swinging with the motion, but we’d reached my tent.
Rhys and Azriel were holding Cassian between them as they gently set him into a chair at the paper-strewn desk. The general’s face was still grayish, but someone had found a shirt for him—and washed off the blood. From the way Cassian sagged in that seat … He must have insisted he come. And from the way Rhys lightly mussed his hair as he strode to the other side of the desk … That wound, too, had been patched up.
Rhys lifted a brow as I entered, still stomping a bit. I shook my head. I’ll tell you later.
A caress of claws down my innermost barrier—a comforting touch.
Amren laid the Book onto the desk with a thud that echoed in the earth beneath our feet.
“The second and penultimate pages,” I said, trying not to flinch at the power of the Book slithering through the tent. “The Suriel claimed the key you were looking for is there. To nullify the Cauldron’s power.”
I assumed Rhys had told Amren what had occurred—and assumed that he’d told someone to fetch Nesta, since she pushed through the heavy flaps a moment later.
“Did you bring them?” Rhys asked Amren as Nesta silently approached the table.
Still coated in mud up to her shins, my sister paused on the other side—away from where Cassian now sat. Looked him over. Her face revealed nothing, yet her hands … I could have sworn a faint tremor rippled through her fingers before she balled them into fists and faced Amren. Cassian watched her for a moment longer before turning his head toward Amren as well. How long had Nesta stood atop that hill, watching the battle? Had she seen him fall?
Amren reached into the pocket of her pewter cloak and chucked a black velvet bag onto the desk. It clacked and thunked as it hit the wood. “Bones and stones.”
Nesta only angled her head at the sight of the bag.
Your sister came immediately when I explained what we needed, Rhys said. I think seeing Cassian hurt convinced her not to pick a fight today.
Or convinced my sister to pick a fight with someone else entirely.
Nesta lifted the bag. “So, I scatter these like some backstreet charlatan and it’ll find the Cauldron?”
Amren let out a low laugh. “Something like that.”
Arcs of mud lay beneath Nesta’s nails. She didn’t seem to notice as she untied the small pouch and dumped out its contents. Three stones, four bones. The latter were brown and gleamed with age; the former were white as the moon and smooth as glass, each marked with a thin, reedy letter I did not recognize.
“Three stones for the faces of the Mother,” Amren said upon seeing Nesta’s raised brows. “Four bones … for whatever reason the charlatans came up with that I can’t be bothered to remember.”
Nesta snorted. Rhys echoed the sentiment. My sister said, “So what—I just shake them around in my hands and chuck them? How am I to make sense of any of it?”
“We can figure it out,” Cassian said, his voice rough and weary. “But start with holding them in your hands and thinking—about the Cauldron.”
“Don’t just think about it,” Amren corrected. “You must cast your mind toward it. Find the bond that links you.”
Even I paused at that. And Nesta, stones and bones now in hand … She made no move to close her eyes. “I—am I to … touch it?”
“No,” Amren warned. “Just come close. Find it, but do not interact.”
Nesta still didn’t move. She could not use the bathtub, she’d told me. Because the memories it dragged up—
Cassian said to her, “Nothing can harm you here.” He sucked in a breath, groaning softly, and rose to his feet. Azriel tried to stop him, but Cassian brushed him off and strode for my sister’s side. He braced a hand on the desk when he at last stopped. “Nothing can harm you,” he repeated.
Nesta was still looking at him when she finally shut her eyes. I shifted, and the angle allowed me to see what I hadn’t detected before.
Nesta stood before the map, a fist of bones and stones clenched over it. Cassian remained at her side—his other hand on her lower back.
And I marveled at the touch she allowed—marveled at it as much as I did the mud-splattered hand she held out. The concentration that settled over her face.
Her eyes shifted beneath their lids, as if scanning the world. “I don’t see anything.”
“Go deeper,” Amren urged. “Find that tether between you.”
She stiffened, but Cassian stepped closer, and she settled again.
A minute went by. Then another.
A muscle twitched on Nesta’s brow. Her hand bobbed.
Her breath then came fast and hard, her lips curling back as she panted through her teeth.
“Nesta,” Cassian warned.
“Quiet,” Amren snapped.
A small noise came out of her—one of terror.
“Where is it, girl,” Amren coaxed. “Open your hand. Let us see.”
Nesta’s fingers only clutched tighter, the whites of her knuckles as stark as the stones held within them.
Too deep—whatever she had done—
I lunged for her. Not physically, but with my mind.
If Elain’s mental gates were those of a sleeping garden, Nesta’s … They belonged to an ancient fortress, sharp and brutal. The sort I imagined they once impaled people upon.
But they were open wide. And inside …
Dark.
Dark like I had never known, even with Rhysand.
Nesta.
I took a step into her mind.
The images slammed into me.
One after one after one, I saw them.
The army that stretched into the horizon. The weapons, the hate, the sheer size.
I saw the king standing over a map in a war-tent, flanked by Jurian and several commanders, the Cauldron squatting in the center of the room behind them.
And there was Nesta.
Standing in that tent, watching the king, the Cauldron.
Frozen in place.
With undiluted fear.
“Nesta.”
She did not seem to hear me as she stared at them.
I reached for her hand. “You found it. I see—I see where it is.”
Nesta’s face was bloodless. But she at last dragged her attention to me. “Feyre.”
Surprise lit her terror-wide eyes.
“Let’s go back,” I said.